BREEDER REPORT: I Got Peed On At The Berkeley Lincoln Playground

Yesterday me, my bb and my strollz headed up to the Berkeley Lincoln Playground, and it was even more fucked than usual. While I'm totally used to this place being littered with trash and pieces of balloon, I guess I now need to add puddles of kid piss to my list of shit to watch out for. 

 

There I am, innocently trying to discourage my toddler from picking up pieces of broken glass from the ground when I feel something wet splash the back of my calf. I am hoping to god that it's just some run of the mill crazy man spitting on me, but actually it's a fedora clad dad helping his daughter pee all over the asphalt right the fuck next to me/ON ME. I mean !!!???

 

I am wise to you, people who think a crowded park and a really dirty public bathroom are excuses for total fuckery. I mean, I know people are all uppity about their right to let their kids pee wherever they want, but there are BATHROOMS at this park!? Please have your kid use the toilet. That's why they exist. FOR PEE.

 

Does anyone know wtf is up with this place?--It's like the Tea Lounge of Parks. In the meantime I will just keep going back and wait for shit to continually blow its wad all over my face...my kid likes it there.

BRING YOUR KIDS TO THE HARVEST FESTIVAL AND LEAVE THEM THERE

BALLERS should probably GTFO, because this Sunday kids and parents are gonna take over 5th ave at 3rd street like its their own fucking pride parade. It's the annual Harvest Festival at the Old Stone House park, people!

Tons of adorable kids will be interacting with BABY ANIMALS at the petting zoo (yikes!) while their parents bulk up on really necessary vegetables like legumes and what not.

According to Park Slope Parents, there will be pony rides (adorb), "monster making," crafts and a bunch of other junk. Shit goes down at 11:00 am and lasts til 3:00 pm.

I guess the childless are allowed, but remember, this event is kid-friendly, haters.

This Is So Not Cute...

You know how sometimes you look at something or see something...and its just so deeply fucking confusing, your brain is not able to process the information in a way that even remotely makes any sense?

Like right now for example:

Still confused? Well let me enlighten you ppl: according to the Park Slope Parents blog, this is a Bed Bug-a-Boo! You know, like a cross between a Bugaboo and a bedbug! Your worst nightmare crossed with your worst nightmare! And apparently we're going to meet some at this year's Halloweeen Parade!

BWAHHHAHHHHAHHHHHHAAA! ISN'T THAT FUNNY!??

Anyone?

Hello?

Ok, fine. If you don't think *THAT'S* funny, how bout their zingy description??:

–The hedge fund mommies have them, though, like a little botox and a tuck, they keep it to themselves.

–The fashion set surely has them; they need them…the pricier, the better!

–The alterna-daddies have them (they go great with a Diaper Dude, Chuck Taylors, and wicked tats).

–The best nannies have them, though they’d never brag about it to mommies.

The Bedbug-a-boos! They’re all the rage in Brooklyn. Watch out, or you’ll be getting them, too!

TEE HEEE HEEE HEE [BARF].

HA HA HA [PUNCHES SELF IN FACE]

LOL [STOMPS ON KITTEN'S HEAD].

(via PSP Blog)

STOP HAVING CHILDREN! [KINDERGARTEN CLASSES ARE FULL]

Look ppl, the choice is yours: either stop having bebes or get rich enough to send your kids to private school. Cause there ain't no more room in either P.S. 321 on 7th Ave OR P.S. 39 on Sixth Ave. 

According to the Daily News:

The most popular schools admitted just a fraction of pre-K kids at the same time there were dramatic increases in the number of applicants: PS 321 in Park Slope had space for just 12 of 475 applicants this year; last school year there were 292 applicants for 48 slots. At PS 39 on Sixth Ave., there were 406 applicants for 36 slots this school year; last year 236 kids applied. And P.S. 10 got 499 applications for 36 pre-K spots.

This pre-K shit show is apparently going down because waaay more people are poor now and can't afford private school, so they want their kids to slum it in public school. And since school budgets are being slashed too, the schools can't add enough seats to meet the needs of the community.

Oh wellzers...guess that leaves way more time for all the kiddos to play with rocket balloons in the park!

ATTN ALL MOMS WHO DON’T WANT THEIR KIDS TO BE VICTIMS OF CRAZY EYEBALL EXPERIMENTS

FIPS reader, Princess Pony Party Amazing, called our attention to this exclusive party invite:

Exceptional Eyecare. Incredible Eyewear. AND FREE “BABYSITTING”!!!

That’s right BREEDERS, cancel your nanny, cause the eye doctor has a new hobby (other than his self-proclaimed passion for working with Dry Eye Sufferers)...Taking care of your kiddies! What child doesn’t love going to the doctor? Park Slope Eye is turning their clinic into a mini movie theatre for your obnoxious children, in order to conduct cray cray eye science experiments on them, thank you for your patronage.

And what will you be doing during your off time? GETTING WASTED, LADIES!!!! On a Mini Mommy Vaca!!!
They have even provided you with the name of the closest happy hour, so if the kid by mistake performs Lasic eye surgery on someone, you can come reverse that shit pronto.

Ok, so there might be a chance that Park Slope Eye is secretly planning to dry your little one’s eyes out so that the doctor can get all passionate and whatev about fixing them. BFD. The more important issue is what four-year-old wants to sit all the way through Up? That movie had me crying within the first ten minutes.

Did anyone send their kid to this? Are their eyes all fucked now or did they come back normal? Is Park Slope Eye turning this hang sesh into a weekly event, because sign me up DUH.