WHO GIVES A SHIT: Have You Ever Almost Been Killed By A Kid On A Scooter?

illustration via My Complete Lack of Boundaries

Cause I have.

Like 11 billion million times.

You ppl are all: "bike lane, bike lane, bikes, baby bikes, BICYCLES" 24/7 and I just don't get it. Cause the only thing I'm worrying about in Park Slope is getting maimed by a reckless 8-year-old with a death wish on a motherfucking scooter.

THESE THINGS ARE A MENACE, PPL.

I mean, how do all you parents not get that it's a colassally bad idea to let your wild, clueless, inexperienced children try to weave their way through the maze of a busy Park Slope sidewalk at 2pm on a Saturday at top breakneck speeds?! HOWWWW?

I don't give a rat's ass if you want your kids to ride these things up and down the less crowded blocks, but 7th and 5th Aves, for 99.9% of the kids in this neighborhood should be a no fly zone. Cause newsflash: when your little punk kids try to navigate their asses through people, dogs, babies, strollers, Food Coop carts, overflowing garbage cans and chained up bikes, they fuck it up. Like every. single. time.

I now have permanent scooter tire track marks on my ankles.

I'm glad your scooting kids have a motherfucking bike helmet on, but WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US!?

You guys srsly need to cool it with the legions of mini-maniac scoot-hooligans.

Am I alone on this, or what?