Who Gives a Shit: How Do You tell Park Slope Parents that their kids and Their Scooters Are a Menace to Society?

After a recent incident involving some negligent parents and their maniacal scooter-racing child, a Park Slope newbie wrote to us asking for a polite way to tell these parents: Hey, fuckface. Your kid is plowing through the crowd like an asshole on his shitty little scooter. Wanna do something about it or what?!

  Here’s an excerpt from her email:

My roommate and I were walking along 5th ave on a busy Saturday, and we both had a little mishap with a kid on a scooter. First he scooted in front of me and then stopped, causing me to basically fall over him as my roommate almost ran into me. His parents, who were walking in front of us, didn't even notice. So we power-walked to get ahead of the group, but as we got to through the next intersection the scooter kid powered ahead and ran over my roommate's foot. The kid didn't react or apologize and the parents didn't seem to notice. Is there a good way to tell the parents of Park Slope to maybe watch your kids (especially those on the scooter who might be a little out of control), without causing a scene or argument?

But of course! This inconvenience by a breeder and their tyrannical spawn means that you have officially been initiated to the hood. Welcome to Park Slope!  

Now, despite the fact that this is a common occurrence and shouldn’t be a surprise (see: Have you ever almost been killed by a kid on a scooter?), after reading this message I can’t help but fill to the brim with furious rage at the level of inconsideration prevalent in our little society. That being said, today’s your lucky day, Park Slope newbie with a problem, as you’ve come to the perfect place for advice on this matter.

Here are several options of what you can do the next time you desire a nice stroll in the neighborhood without getting injured by poorly-trained children and their careless parents. Options range from completely passive to completely aggressive:

1. Keep it to yourself and gear up: Stock up on knee-high socks, elbow pads, a helmet and any other gear that you can find until your entire body is completely covered and impenetrable -- we're talking to the point where you could get clipped by a blimp and be none the wiser. Doesn’t matter how hot it is or how ridiculous you look, this is just what you do now.

2. Be one with the scooter: Get really ninja about listening for scooter sounds, and learn how to dodge them before they hit you. You can likely find scooter sounds online and play them on your iPod when you’re hanging around your apartment. You can even practice dodging scooters in front of the mirror to perfect your form. Click here for a scooter video to get you started.

3. Make them care: Next time a kid runs over your or your roommate’s foot and neither the kid nor the parent seem to notice or care, scream as loudly as you possibly can and fall to the ground. Fake tears, keep screaming and DO NOT get up. At this point you should be drawing a crowd. Unless they are completely void of a soul, the parent should show concern, embarrassment and remorse for their negligence. The kid will hopefully get a rude awakening of what sort of consequences can come from their careless, scootering about.

4. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em: Run them over with YOUR scooter! Order one online now and show those little punks what it’s like.

5. Fuck it, unleash the rage: Just say something, anything, that gets the “You're-Being-Inconsiderate-And-Now-I’m-Injured-And-Uncomfortable-And-Pissed” point across. What’s the worst that could happen? You cause a verbal scene that calls these parents out for not having a hold on their kids’ behavior? Good. Someone needs to say it or nobody will ever learn.

Hope this helps and good luck out there!

Comments

[dave]

handful of pebbles tossed into the path of said scooter will generally solve the problem.