WINDSOR TERRACE BALLET STUDIO GOES ASSHOLE (VEGAN)

The Cynthia King Dance Studio on Prospect Ave is turning your kids into douche bags.

Cynthia, a former professional dancer, forces her students to wear cruelty free “vegan” shoes. This cray cray be-atch says that leather ballet slippers don’t “mesh with the beautiful passionate joy” she has for dancing.”  

BARF.

You guys, I’M WORRIED. Does Cynthia have a sweat shop full of little tutu-wearing kids sewing silk to hardened tofu or woven wheat grass? OH WAIT, did I say tutu? My bad –– that shit ain’t allowed at Cynthia’s studio. Her students are required to wear leotards and tights only. Any kid that shows up different has to GTFO.

Don’t worry, things get whacker: Cynthia’s studio is decorated with elaborate costumes that dangle from the ceiling above the innocent children dancing below (souvenirs of former victims?)

Cynth explains, “I didn’t come from a normal, peaceful, fairy-tale life.”

OMG. BLACK SWAN ALERT.

(via NYT)

Tenant To Children: STFU; Stuy Town, We Salute You!

Well, well, well.

Looks like Park Slope is not alone when it comes to whiny assed misbehaving children.

Our BALLER comrade over at Lux Living, a blog about life at that gigantic NYC apt megalopolis Stuy Town, received a plea from an angry resident about some gregarious, loud-mouthed kids:

"FOR WHATEVER REASON parents feel the need to get their hostile and annoying children OUT of their apartments and INTO this "playground" first thing in the morning on weekends. How do they pass the time? They scream! At each other. At the squirrels. At their parents, who mostly ignore them because they have become desensitized to how awful their children are.

Parents, nobody likes your kids. THEY ARE ONLY CUTE TO YOU. Keep them indoors, tied up, gagged, drugged, WHATEVER, and stop letting them loose at 8AM on Saturday mornings."

Some pretty sage advice if you ask me.

Click to read more ...

Jonathan Safran Foer To Park Slope: WHERE ALL MY WHITE BOYYYIIIZZZZ AT??

Ok, so mayyyybbbeeee JSF himself didn't put up this casting notice, but the coincidence is just too much fun to ignore.

From the Village Voice:

"Spotted in Park Slope by Runnin' Scared friend @stvspl: a casting notice for "9-13 year-old Caucasian boys" to appear in the upcoming Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, a film adaptation of Jonathan Safran Foer's 2005 novel about a nine-year-old boy's life in the aftermath of September 11th. With the names already attached to this project, forget the coop, Brooklyn parents -- this could be your (child's) big break!"

As for the names already attached, do Tom Hanks or Sandra Bullock ring a bell? I know it's not exactly Jake-n-Taylor or anything, but that still ain't chopped liver. Though you probs shouldn't audition if you *do* eat chopped liver, cause JSF is a locavore, vegan, raw foodist, or some shit.

Obvies Park Slope is ground zero for cute white kids, so I'd like to encourage all you over-the-hill BREEDERS (over-the-hill enough to have a 13-year-old at least) to audition immeds! This is your chance to make billions of dollars AND become BFF's with JSF so you can feed us "anonymous" tips about his take-out habits and/or propensity to download porn! Or illegal movies! Or whatever!

(via Daily Intel)

Speaking of Piss: The Skankiest Public School Potty Award Goes To....

P.S. 58 (aka The Carroll School) in the economically deprived neighboring hood of Carroll Gardens. 

Yes, per a few (dare we say it) pissed-off parents, the fancily nicknamed Carroll School cannot seem to supply students with soap or paper towels. This despite "tony restaurants, boutiques catering to your every whim, moms clogging the streets while pushing $700 Bugaboo strollers and stomping around in $100 Hunter rain boots" 

Click to read more ...

KIDS EAT FOR FREE! [SCOTTADITO HEARTS YOUR KIDS]

It's Tuesday night and you've just left the COOP with a bunch of healthy crap you don't really know how to cook with. You're all: wtf now? I just want to eat some "harvested" and "sourced" food, GOD. 

The good news is Scottadito is right next door! The bad news is that it will probs be a total freak show, filled with a bunch of little kids eating each others boogers and peeing in their pants all over the place. Scottadito lets kids eat for free on Tuesdays, and apparently this shit's been going down for six years!

Man...as if kids don't get everything else handed to them on a plate already, at Scottadito, IT'S FOR REAL.

Fuck them. I am totally bringing my baby there, getting him a bunch of free shit, and then eating it while he sits there and watches in his stroller.

On the upside, Scottadito must be a total safe zone for BALLERS every other night of the week. Do you guys know what other restos in the nabe that do this kids eat free thing? I want to go to them all immeds.