Happy 12th Anniversary, The Gate—Now Suck It

Saturday, May 23rd, marked Fifth Avenue's mainstay, The Gate's 12th anniversary. The Gate, known for it's huge beer selection and prime outdoor patio, is a nice enough bar with good ambiance and decent music.

But here's the deal: I am sick and fucking tired of its beer snob bartenders.

I will be the first to admit that I'm not well-versed in the art of beer, and I know that some people take it very seriously. But goddamn, if a bar doesn't have Stella or Heineken, I am out of ideas.

And I would hope that as a nice bartender, if I ask you for a Stella and you don't have it (FOR EXAMPLE), you could, I dunno...suggest a comparable one?! I mean, if you LOVE beer so fucking much, don't you think you'd want to introduce a poor, dumb girl (i.e. me, in this scenario) to a more high-brow selection of brew?

The conversation could go something like this:

Me: Hey, do you have a beer that doesn't sound scary and weird?
You: You're a dumbass for trying to come up in here, but how about a Heffewienerschnitzelbrau? It tastes kind of like Stella, except it's infused with the nectar of the Gods and that's why I can be so self-righteous about it.
Me: Oh, awesome, let me have that!
You: Great, enjoy!

Yeah, not so much. The bartender blew me off (even though they weren't that busy), and suggested that I read the chalk board menu. You know...the one written in tiny, tiny letters, partially obscured by their anniversary balloons in dim lighting? Yeah, that one.

Happy anniversary, d-bags. I'm heading to Bar Reis.

I Think It's Easier To Buy Cocaine Than It Is To Get Pills For My Dog

God bless America...seriously.

If I need some Vicodin I check in with my friend Mark, and he hooks a sista up. I have 4 extra Valium leftover from when we "borrowed" them from a generous family member (who wanted to be paid back in weed) from the time we took our overnight flight back from Spain. And I can buy my ephedra diet pills, no problemo, online.

Who knew that the most difficult fucking prescription drug challenge I'd have was getting my dog some goddamned pills.

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Fuck You, Time Warner. Right In Your Fucking Face

In the scrappy, fuck-the-man spirit of the Atlantic Center Target mission, I decided to use this blog to point yet another self-righteous, angry finger at another gigantic, ucaring corporation: Time motherfucking Warner.

Apparently, my little portion of Seventh Avenue in Park Slope is a black hole of unreliable internet service.

The receptionist at my office offered up the theory that mercury is in retrograde as a possible reason why I’m having consistent technology problems. And I was like really, can I have my mail now?

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Hi Target, Corp! [Waves Hello]

Thanks to our handy little statcounter program, we see you clicking all around our lil ole site.

We hope you are enjoying our four-part takedown of your Atlantic Center Mall Tarjay!  What with the helpful staff there, plentiful resources and surgeon-like level of cleanliness in the store, it really was quite a hoot to put it all together!

Anyway.

In the meantime, do let us know if you have any questions about:

*The deeply disturbing level of suckage at the Atlantic Center Mall Target

*What you might do about this deeply disturbing level of suckage

*How Park Slope originally got its name.

*Or anything else you might be curious about!

Really...we're here to help. FIPS CARES, yo!

FIPS UNDERCOVER IV: Target, Atlantic Center Mall [A Final Plea]

This is part four of our four part series in which we attempt to uncover, once and for all, why the hell Target at the Atlantic Center Mall sucks a big dick.

ICYMI, Here's part one, part two and part three.

Dear Target Corporation,

Over six months ago, we embarked on a journey.  There was danger all around us, and uncertainty around every corner, but the people had spoken and our mission was clear: figure out WTF is going on at the worst, most horrendous joke of a retail establishment in (we're guessing) the entire U.S of A: Target at the Atlantic Center Mall.

The conditions at this store are so hard to believe for the average Target-goer, at times the people turned on us. We were accussed of being racist....manipulating the situation....planting Starbucks coffee cups.  Alas, we can confirm, without reservation, that we are responsible for none of those things.

Here's the thing, Target: I LOVE your asses.  I have been to Target stores in California, New Jersey, Florida, Connecticut and other parts of New York.  On every single one of these occassions I have encountered friendly staff members, shelves busting with stock, reasonable check-out lines and clean aisles.  I LOVE that you guys are forward thinking and work with all sorts of cool up-and-coming designers.  I LOVE that you used a Sam Prekop song in one of your commercials.  And I LOVE that you guys give a ton of money to great charities and support awesome community and cultural organizations (like the First Saturday series at the Brooklyn Museum of Art).  Mostly, you guys fucking RULE.  Target is seriously one of my fav-OH-rite stores....for realz.  HOWEVER, the Target at Atlantic Center Mall is truly an abomination...and you guys really need to do something about it.

True, I am a bitchy, smart-ass, know-it-all blogger--and it might seem like the easy thing to do to just dismiss my ranting. But I'm honestly sharing these videos with you for your own good.  Actually, no...WE are sharing these videos with you for your own good. Because I'm quite sure that I speak for a majority of my Brooklyn and NYC homies when I say: this is the worst Target I've ever seen.

So, please get your act together.  Pretty please, with sugar on top?

In lieu of an actual letter, we are asking that everyone who has ever had a bad experience at this Target to leave a comment below and "sign" this missive along with us.

Together we stand, united we fall.

Sincerely,

FIPS (& the frustrated citizens of the BK)

[A special, gigantic, Brooklyn We Go Hard thanks to :30 Second Life, who busted his ass (and almost got arrested) to bring you all of these kick ass vids.  Go to his site a lot AND follow him on Twitter]