BREEDER vs. BALLER: If You Don't Have Kids, You're A Selfish Asshole

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:
The decision to have kids or not was not was fairly easy for me. It went something like this: Dear Self: am I giving, loving, rich, patient, selfless enough to take on 100% caring for another little human being? (no) Ready to nurture, teach, and love 24/7, 365 days a year, even when said little human being is being really, really fucking annoying and crying and pooping? (no). Willing to pay for all their shit (instead of minez), giving up travel, and expensive haircuts and shopping at Dean & Deluca so I can buy organic baby food and a $900 stroller? (no). I'm too fucking selfish.

Really that's it.

Choosing not to have kids is, considered by many, to be an incredibly selfish act. A virtual fuck you to society-at-large.

Whatevs, dudez...I get that the "children are our future"-n-shit, but that's all you, dawg. Good luck with it! I'll be chillin' at a random Brooklyn house party with Bill Murray.

It literally just hit me one day a few years ago...like those "aha moments" that Oprah is blabbing about all the time. Finally, one day it just flat out occurred to my ass that I don't *have* to have a baby. And not only do I not have to have a baby, its totally 100% ok if I don't want one. I DON'T WANT A BABY! WOOO HOOOO! It honestly, was that freeing...it felt like I was on that Batman ride at Six Flags or bungee jumping in Mexico on some makeshift, uninsurable bridge.

The selfish accusations started soon after. I believe my grandma (this sweet, unassuming, Long Island Jewish bubby) was the first to say "NO KIDS? Isn't that a little selfish?" At first I was kind of dumbfounded...like I didn't even quite know how to respond to the remark, so I just changed the subject.

After you get married, its pretty near impossible to avoid this conversation with well meaning busy bodies family members and friends. People get married, and then they have kids. That's just what's done. Conveying the fact that you don't want kids (REALLY don't want kids) is an art all unto itself. It's no easy task getting across, in a friendly and non-judgmental manner, the fact that you have zero desire to do what, in all likelihood, almost every human being you know has already done and/or will do at some point. This is touchy...and, not-surprisingly, this whole idea of being selfish actually comes up pretty often.

Usually its in the form of half-hearted, passive agressive judgments like this one: "No kids? Wow? Well, that will be nice...everyone has different priorities, I guess" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and I'm a loving, caring human being because I've made the decision to breed. Yay me).

Or this one: "No kids?! That's really great...really. Though, I just can't imagine how unfulfilled my life would be without [insert annoying SILTH baby name here]" (READ: You're a selfish asshole and you are gonna regret this decision when you're old and you have no one to take care of you. Yay me).

The thing is, while I don't appreciate the back handed judgments, I do agree that selfishness played a major role in my decision. I made the ultimate life choice: to tend my own damn garden, go after all my own dreams, eat chocolate cake for dinner, keep porn on my tivo, travel, keep all my money for me and my husband, do everything I want to do exactly when I want to fucking do it. BOOM!

So, yes: choosing not to have kids is totally fucking selfish...and I totally don't fucking care.

BREEDER:
Baller, I don't think you get it.

Unlike you, I would never publicly judge someone for the life decisions they make, as long as those life decisions don't hurt other people.

What you wrote is beautiful, and I'm glad you're happy. No retort.

BREEDER vs. BALLER: Why Do Mom's Get Special Fucking Privileges in the Workplace?

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:

Moms in the workplace get mad perks, allowances, "passes," and post Obama type freedoms that those of us with our uteri in tact do NOT enjoy.

"pslope non mom" is totally, 1000% fucking right and anyone who fights me on this is either:

*a liar
*an idiot
*a combination of the two

Period.

Now, let me lay out the facts: I currently work at a company that would definitely be considered more "sensitive" and life/balance forward thinking than most. However, throughout my life, I have worked in a variety of different workplace type shituations ranging from a large, scary behomoth of a corporate entity (what up Conde Nast!) to a small, poorly run internet start-up that focused more energy on their employee snack food options than our profit margins.

In every single solitary company on my two page resume (none of which are Earth shoe factories, by the way; nice one AnnaZed), mommyhood was the equivalent of winning the fucking lottery.

"OH, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to run out 15 minutes early because little Bronx Mowgli has a soccer game tonight! Finish up without me, OK?"

"Hi, this is [insert MILF name here]. I'm sorry, but I can't make it in today because my little Suri Suri Sur-pot has the sniffles and I have to take her to the doctor. Good luck on your two hour presentation! Call me if you need me!"

"Yikes, I'm sorry. I know you all have to work this weekend to finish up that proposal, but Gucci Hermes Lexus has her brownie troop comin over, so I'm gonna have to bail on that. I'll catch up with you guys next week."

3 months on the couch eatin bon bons maternity leave so you can bond with your bebe? No problemo!

Extra health insurance benefits and allowances? Sure!

All served up with a side of government tax breaks and a heaping helping of "its ok if you're fat cause you're a mom and that's beautiful."

Well, I say, fuck all y'all.

You made a CHOICE to be a mom, and I made a choice to be a BALLER. But, I don't expect your ass to allow me an extra fifteen to get home so I can take my fucking cat to the fucking feline acupuncturist. Even though my cat has an ongoing health issue that requires his hairy ass to get treatment 3 times a month at a place that's only open from 12-3pm. NOPE, that's my fucking problem.

YOU get to "work from home" three days a week, while I'm stuck in this stupid fucking chair, at my stupid fucking desk (probably finishing YOUR stupid fucking proposal).

And if there is one thing that I can be absolutely assured of...that I can LITERALLY fucking guarantee: you'll have another fresh excuse for something else that you need to avoid/cancel/pass off tomorrow (AND no one will notice).

mommyhood = quite a perk, indeed.

BREEDER:
Baller, take my advice: You seriously want to save what you just wrote up there, keep it in a safe place, and look at it again in 20 years so you can remember when you were acting like the psychotic Louis Farrakhan of angry, childless dykes.

Baller. baller. dude. shhhh; they're moms. What happened to you that you are so disturbingly enraged? It's such a dark place to be, to be whining nonstop about someone having something that you want.

Okay, some mothers, at workplaces like yours, might get a little lenience here and there - a little time to be with their kids - but why would you ever begrudge them that? They also have to get up 10 times in the middle of the night, while you get to operate on a full night's sleep. Fair? Don't make me say it: L*fe isn't fair.

The most intriguing thing about your rant is that I'm sure it conflicts with and exposes inconsistencies in your otherwise liberal worldview. As someone who lives in Park Slope, I'm betting you believe in Universal Health Care, right? Here's an interesting psychological question for you: what exactly do you think is preventing you from applying these socialist tendencies to the mom situation?

I mean, traditionally, someone who believes in Universal Health Care and other strong social benefits would tend to also support an understanding workplace that tolerates a mother's dual role in society. Or would you go back on that now, and say that if some can't afford health care, it's because of the CHOICE they made to be an artist or a freelancer, or some occupation which doesn't normally provide health care?

Well, we both know you'd lose your co-op membership for suggesting an idea like that, so then, why is it ok to support this socially progressive movement but deny the rights of mothers to have special allowances for their childcare needs?

Each according to their needs, right Kruschev? Or is that only when it's convenient for you?

Are you against poor women, who can't afford to be stay-at-home mom's, being allowed to have children? Or jobs? No? Then you need to support society's accommodation of their needs so that they can remain in the workplace.

Alright, it's getting late; I'm sure you should be running off to a veteran's hospital to stand outside and protest the fact that they get free health care and you don't. Why should they get free health care? They CHOSE to join the army for the Iraq war right? Why should they get special benefits just because they made a certain CHOICE?

Don't you want those benefits too? Shouldn't it be even-steven? Speak up!

BREEDER vs. BALLER: Can You Please Wipe Your Kid's Nose? (I'm Gonna Fucking Throw Up)

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:

I've resigned myself to the fact that, as a Breeder, YOU (with your Park Slope platinum card status), are hereby permitted to engage in the following with no consequences whatsoever:

*run my ass over with your stroller
*block the aisles in all stores (including Babeland! A fucking sex shop!) with said stroller
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my lunch
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my dinner
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my motherfucking vodka gimlet

However.

With the official change in season from Fall to full on, coats/hats/glove Winter weather, I've been noticing a rather disgusting development take shape that I can no longer ignore: i.e. WILL YOU PLEASE WIPE YOUR KIDS' DRIPPING, SNOTTY NOSES?

I was standing in line at the Rite Aid on Seventh Avenue (which is punishment fucking enough, thank you very much) and some crunchy, Birkenstock wearing organic farm patronizing MIWNLF was standing in front of me with her Bugaboo and her two screaming kids. Of course she was standing there with one of those "I know my kids R being assholes right now but what the hell do you want from me?" looks. After a few failed attempts at shutting her cootie-infested future douchetards up, I was actually feeling kinda bad for this chick. That is until her son (2? 3? Fuck if I know) who she happened to be holding as her baby was screaming in the "boo," actually started dripping *real* snot down over his mamz shoulder onto my roll of toilet paper, large bottle of tums, and bag of Utz Super Dark Pretzels.

I shit you not, people.

I had kid snotz all over my future purchases.

I'm about as far as a germaphobe as you can comfortably get, and I was disgusted so profoundly, I had to leave.

(no apologies, of course, and YES she did see what was happening b/c she turned around and said "oh...sorry.").

Before you start ranting and raving about "isolated incidents" and all that bullshit, I submit the following: last night I got a (very mediocre, granted) slice of pizza at Smiling Pizza on 9th & 7th before hopping on the F. I was taking my coat off and getting my ass settled as I left my pizza sitting on the table. I'm literally pulling my sweater over my head as I watch (THROUGH THE FIBERS OF MY SWEATER, PEOPLE) some little devil spawn in the booth next to me take his hand, wipe his nose and then reach into my booth to place said hand all over my motherfucking piece of pizza.

!!!!!!!!!!

My jaw was on the floor, of course, as at the last second, this devil spawn's dad looks over and sees what's going on. He then says to me "sorry...he didn't mean it" and turns around. Uhm. He didn't mean WHAT, YOU COCKSUCKER!!?? He didn't "mean" the snot rocket that has now been wiped all over my goodammed slice of pizza!?

Thankfully, the caring and considerate peeps at Smiling saw this all go down, rolled their eyes, and gave me a brand new slice no charge.

Obvs the moral of the story is: IF YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING KID, WIPE THEIR FUCKING NOSES PLS.

BREEDER:

Baller, you ignorant slut.

Are you fat? You sound fat.

Listen: Why do you give a FUCK whether my kid has a runny nose? Maybe if you stopped getting late night pizza at Smilers and started jogging, you wouldn't have to concentrate on my kid's crusty-ass boogers so intently.

Your argument is that of a typical kidless individual -- how do I know? Because you remind me 100% of myself before I had kids: "Wipe your kid's nose! Why do they get so messy when they eat? Why are they so loud on planes? waaaaaaah!"

What I didn't understand, and what you can't understand now, is that YOU CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL THEM. You think I let their noses run on purpose, cause I like how it fucking looks, or because I like doing 10 loads of snot-laundry a week? I can't fucking stop it! When I wipe my kids nose, it starts running again. If I follow them around wiping their noses, WHICH I DO, it keeps running! I'm not gonna cauterize my kid's nose with a soldering iron just so that you don't have to look at his crusty face.

You think I think it's cute? It's the bane of my fucking existence! You think it inconveniences YOU? All YOU have to do is look away -- and please, I'm not buying that the snot GETS ON YOU or on your pizza - it's just nasty to look at so you're using the physical-contact stories in your argument like some Joe the Plumber shit. Get the fuck outta here with that.

Wiping their noses doesn't help. I've tried. Why don't *you* try shutting the fuck up and looking somewhere else.