BREEDER vs. BALLER: Can You Please Wipe Your Kid's Nose? (I'm Gonna Fucking Throw Up)

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.

BALLER:

I've resigned myself to the fact that, as a Breeder, YOU (with your Park Slope platinum card status), are hereby permitted to engage in the following with no consequences whatsoever:

*run my ass over with your stroller
*block the aisles in all stores (including Babeland! A fucking sex shop!) with said stroller
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my lunch
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my dinner
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my motherfucking vodka gimlet

However.

With the official change in season from Fall to full on, coats/hats/glove Winter weather, I've been noticing a rather disgusting development take shape that I can no longer ignore: i.e. WILL YOU PLEASE WIPE YOUR KIDS' DRIPPING, SNOTTY NOSES?

I was standing in line at the Rite Aid on Seventh Avenue (which is punishment fucking enough, thank you very much) and some crunchy, Birkenstock wearing organic farm patronizing MIWNLF was standing in front of me with her Bugaboo and her two screaming kids. Of course she was standing there with one of those "I know my kids R being assholes right now but what the hell do you want from me?" looks. After a few failed attempts at shutting her cootie-infested future douchetards up, I was actually feeling kinda bad for this chick. That is until her son (2? 3? Fuck if I know) who she happened to be holding as her baby was screaming in the "boo," actually started dripping *real* snot down over his mamz shoulder onto my roll of toilet paper, large bottle of tums, and bag of Utz Super Dark Pretzels.

I shit you not, people.

I had kid snotz all over my future purchases.

I'm about as far as a germaphobe as you can comfortably get, and I was disgusted so profoundly, I had to leave.

(no apologies, of course, and YES she did see what was happening b/c she turned around and said "oh...sorry.").

Before you start ranting and raving about "isolated incidents" and all that bullshit, I submit the following: last night I got a (very mediocre, granted) slice of pizza at Smiling Pizza on 9th & 7th before hopping on the F. I was taking my coat off and getting my ass settled as I left my pizza sitting on the table. I'm literally pulling my sweater over my head as I watch (THROUGH THE FIBERS OF MY SWEATER, PEOPLE) some little devil spawn in the booth next to me take his hand, wipe his nose and then reach into my booth to place said hand all over my motherfucking piece of pizza.

!!!!!!!!!!

My jaw was on the floor, of course, as at the last second, this devil spawn's dad looks over and sees what's going on. He then says to me "sorry...he didn't mean it" and turns around. Uhm. He didn't mean WHAT, YOU COCKSUCKER!!?? He didn't "mean" the snot rocket that has now been wiped all over my goodammed slice of pizza!?

Thankfully, the caring and considerate peeps at Smiling saw this all go down, rolled their eyes, and gave me a brand new slice no charge.

Obvs the moral of the story is: IF YOU'VE GOT A FUCKING KID, WIPE THEIR FUCKING NOSES PLS.

BREEDER:

Baller, you ignorant slut.

Are you fat? You sound fat.

Listen: Why do you give a FUCK whether my kid has a runny nose? Maybe if you stopped getting late night pizza at Smilers and started jogging, you wouldn't have to concentrate on my kid's crusty-ass boogers so intently.

Your argument is that of a typical kidless individual -- how do I know? Because you remind me 100% of myself before I had kids: "Wipe your kid's nose! Why do they get so messy when they eat? Why are they so loud on planes? waaaaaaah!"

What I didn't understand, and what you can't understand now, is that YOU CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL THEM. You think I let their noses run on purpose, cause I like how it fucking looks, or because I like doing 10 loads of snot-laundry a week? I can't fucking stop it! When I wipe my kids nose, it starts running again. If I follow them around wiping their noses, WHICH I DO, it keeps running! I'm not gonna cauterize my kid's nose with a soldering iron just so that you don't have to look at his crusty face.

You think I think it's cute? It's the bane of my fucking existence! You think it inconveniences YOU? All YOU have to do is look away -- and please, I'm not buying that the snot GETS ON YOU or on your pizza - it's just nasty to look at so you're using the physical-contact stories in your argument like some Joe the Plumber shit. Get the fuck outta here with that.

Wiping their noses doesn't help. I've tried. Why don't *you* try shutting the fuck up and looking somewhere else.

Comments

[Anonymous]

I want to know how close this baller was standing to the breeder and her brethen get siad snot on his/her merchandise? Maybe baller should develop a better sense of personal space. And having eaten at Smiling pizza many times, and having burned my mouth on their slices many times, I can attest that their slices are piping hot. Now wouldn't the snot wiper have burned his hand if he wiped his snot on the ballers slice? Someone is this story is not telling the truth.......

[Anonymous]

Smiling pizza is best pizza in the slope asshole; lrn2pizza. and if you say pino's your even dumber than I thought.