I Wonder If Puppet Babies Are Better Than Muppet Babies?

Dear BREEDER,

Thanks so much for the baby slippers you sent me a couple of months ago.  I've been wearing them out to Lucky 13 and also to that underground sex club on 5th ave--they've been quite a hit! Anyway, I've been looking around for something to get you to say thanks, and I finally found it!...PUPPET BABIES!

I bought your ass 5 of these, so now you can add em to your 3 and be just like Jon & Kate Plus Eight (who, by the fucking way, have a HUGE announcement that they're making tonight).

Anyhoo, enjoy the puppet babies! And your real babies!

Or not!

I don't really care....cause I'm just busy just B-A-L-L-I-N.

xo,

BALLER

(via Buzzfeed)

Turf Wars: Breeders vs. Ballers in Washington Park

From Brooklynian:

The battle of the century is taking place right now folks. The stroller brigade thinks that the new turf put in at the improved Washington (?) Park on 3rd st and 5th Ave. should be theirs. Never mind that they already have the playground and the open grassy area; they want it all. Meetings have taken place, and if you want your voice to be heard, you better get on it. The Parks Dept wants to please the "community." This means the loudest most organized amongst us gets heard. Speak up for the right to play softball on your team; your kids soccer games; wait, I don't want to have to appease the stroller brigade here....

ADULTS AND TEENS ALSO NEED A PLACE TO PLAY!

(And yes yes y'all, I have kids)

So, says The Chipster.

Click to read more ...

Dear Tyra: You Stole Our Fucking Idea

Ok, so I don't watch Tyra...or tivo Tyra.  And I gave up on America's Next Top Model like 10 years ago.  But our friend Hell & Heartaches alerted us to a disturbing situation going down on Tyra's show:

"Yesterday's Tyra featured a debate between heterosexual single women who believe that husbands and children hold women back from reaching their full potential and married, heterosexual women who believe that women aren't complete until they've found a man and started a family."

What was the title of her show? Single, Childless Women vs. Married Mothers.

Ok, not very clever...and doesn't exactly roll of the tongue. But also, a TOTAL FUCKING RIPOFF OF BREEDERS vs. BALLERS.

I mean, right!?

You owe me some bank, bitch...

(via Jezebel)

Obnoxious Park Slope Brats Likely To Turn Into Obnoxious Park Slope BREEDERS

Ok, well this isn't exactly shocking news, but inneresting nonetheless: there's a new study out in the Journal of Personality that says:

"Adolescents who say they always take charge, tell others what to do, anger quickly, get into fights easily, and walk, talk and eat fast end up having more kids than others when they grow up. That's true regardless of the kids' performance in school."

So that little asshole who ruined your brunch at Dizzy's last weekend? Uhm, yeah so we're actively recruiting him for our BREEDER vs. BALLER column circa 2019.

(via Cityfile)

BALLER SPECIAL REPORT: ITS CONFIRMED: KIDS TOTALLY RUIN YOUR LIFE

Dear BREEDER,

HAAAA!

"An eight-year survey of 218 couples found that children brought on a sudden case of the relationship blues, with about 90 percent of mothers and fathers feeling dissatisfied with their partner after the birth of a child, according to research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 'Sex almost ceases to exist,' said Diana Kirschner, a therapist from Manhattan. 'All their attention goes to the child.'"

Sucks to be you, hunh?! 

What are you guys up to today? We're off to go smoke a joint, enjoy a boozy brunch with some friends and then watch some porn.  Have fun at Kidville!

xoxo,

BALLER

(Urbanite via Daily Intel)