SAY NO TO PUBLIC DIAPER CHANGING UNLESS YOU HAVE A 0-6 MONTH OLD IN WHICH CASE ITS PROBS OK

I recently almost threw up at the "tot lot" when some mom changed her child (not baby) in front of me.  I knew I didn't like her from the moment she unbuckled her kid from his bike and he was wearing
crocs. I thought I could forgive that until she called out his name and it was the same as my own little guy's.

SIGH.

It's either you or me. Pack up your bugaboo and find a new park, fuckface.

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ATTN ALL MOMS WHO DON’T WANT THEIR KIDS TO BE VICTIMS OF CRAZY EYEBALL EXPERIMENTS

FIPS reader, Princess Pony Party Amazing, called our attention to this exclusive party invite:

Exceptional Eyecare. Incredible Eyewear. AND FREE “BABYSITTING”!!!

That’s right BREEDERS, cancel your nanny, cause the eye doctor has a new hobby (other than his self-proclaimed passion for working with Dry Eye Sufferers)...Taking care of your kiddies! What child doesn’t love going to the doctor? Park Slope Eye is turning their clinic into a mini movie theatre for your obnoxious children, in order to conduct cray cray eye science experiments on them, thank you for your patronage.

And what will you be doing during your off time? GETTING WASTED, LADIES!!!! On a Mini Mommy Vaca!!!
They have even provided you with the name of the closest happy hour, so if the kid by mistake performs Lasic eye surgery on someone, you can come reverse that shit pronto.

Ok, so there might be a chance that Park Slope Eye is secretly planning to dry your little one’s eyes out so that the doctor can get all passionate and whatev about fixing them. BFD. The more important issue is what four-year-old wants to sit all the way through Up? That movie had me crying within the first ten minutes.

Did anyone send their kid to this? Are their eyes all fucked now or did they come back normal? Is Park Slope Eye turning this hang sesh into a weekly event, because sign me up DUH.

[BITCHY MOM DIARIES] Mini Bugaboos-n-Me

Welcome our newest FIPS whack pack member, Bitchy Mom! Not all bitches are BALLERS, ppl. Take note.

So yesterday I took my kid to the park because I thought he could use a chance to run around after his escape into the bathroom wherein he stuck his hands up to his elbows in toilet water that still had pee in it.

So whatvever.

I went to that park on Berkeley between 4th and 5th Aves. Obvsies, I didn't want to have to talk to any other moms, so I parked my stroller next to some nannies who i knew weren't gonna even look at me let alone engange in conversation. One of the nannies' toddlers had one of those little mini-strollers that they were pushing around. I swear, the sight of all those little kids pushing around those little strollers is enough to make me want to give it all up.

What is wrong with this kids in this neighborhood!? Even the babies are baby obsessed! Kids around here would rather push around a fucking stroller than play on a slide...I don't get it!? But before I could properly process, I saw the horror of all motherfucking horrors: A MINI BUGABOO!!

This thing was being pushed around proudly all up and down the playground by some 3-year-old future overbearing mommy. I was so shocked and horrified, I needed to find out where someone could even buy one of these things, so I googled that shit the second I got home. And what I found was even more disturbing: some DIY HOW-TO GUIDE on Ohdeedoh on how to build your own mini goddamned Bugaboo.

GAG. ME.

Also, did you know the Danish word for END is SLUT. So like, there are hopscotch courses in Denmark and at the end it will just say SLUT. we should have that here. I know it doesn't relate, but those parents need to be taught a lesson.

FIPS First Annual Bad Breeder Contest

I've had my moments in the annals of crappy parenting. Yes, I've taught my kids to curse like little navvies. I didn't correct kid two when she used to think dump truck was pronounced dumb fuck. I'm a yeller. I like to nap even when my kids don't want to. I consider inconsistency kind of under-rated. I make my husband do all the bedtime stories. 

But I draw the line at smoking a bong while driving my kids around. A recent Park Slope Parents post emailed anonymously to FIPS headquarters (me having been permanently banned!) related the alarming daytripping of a stoner Park Slope daddy as reported by his wife.

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'I Love My Children. I Hate My Life' [I Love My Life. And Hate Your Children]

So, duh: clearly, I've got shit to say about New York Mag's cover story: Why Parents Hate Parenting.

I read it this morning on the subway with gusto, and if I'm being really honest, it was hard to get through it without already envisioning the comments that any perspective I shared would generate. I'm guessing shit is pretty much gonna go down like this: I'm gonna post some bullshit about why I love being a BALLER so damn much, and then the floodgates are gonna open. We're gonna get:

*regular group of FIPS BALLERS who offer up some "hells yeahs" and online high-fives.
*regular group of FIPS BREEDERS who are like "yeah, maybe for some people, but this is SO not how it is for me"...I LOVE being a parent and all scientists are whack!
*random group of fly by nighters who find out about this post on PSP or some shit and have to throw in their two cents about how pathetic and lonely my life will be cause I choose not to have kids (and all scientists are whack!)
*Winston throwing in a comment about dog shit

Here is a basic synopsis of the article: ALL EVIDENCE, EVERYWHERE, EMPIRACALLY POINTS TO THE FACT THAT MOST PARENTS ARE TOTALLY FUCKING MISERABLE 99.9% of the time. These are *not* my scientific experiments, ppl. These are the cold, hard, facts. There was one lil ole study a few years ago that everyone was jerking off to that FINALLY offered up evidence that parents are actually happier than non-parents, but oopsie! The scientist who conducted the experiment realized a few months later that all of his data was jacked, and as it turns out all the parents were still totally fucking suicidal.

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