'I Love My Children. I Hate My Life' [I Love My Life. And Hate Your Children]

So, duh: clearly, I've got shit to say about New York Mag's cover story: Why Parents Hate Parenting.

I read it this morning on the subway with gusto, and if I'm being really honest, it was hard to get through it without already envisioning the comments that any perspective I shared would generate. I'm guessing shit is pretty much gonna go down like this: I'm gonna post some bullshit about why I love being a BALLER so damn much, and then the floodgates are gonna open. We're gonna get:

*regular group of FIPS BALLERS who offer up some "hells yeahs" and online high-fives.
*regular group of FIPS BREEDERS who are like "yeah, maybe for some people, but this is SO not how it is for me"...I LOVE being a parent and all scientists are whack!
*random group of fly by nighters who find out about this post on PSP or some shit and have to throw in their two cents about how pathetic and lonely my life will be cause I choose not to have kids (and all scientists are whack!)
*Winston throwing in a comment about dog shit

Here is a basic synopsis of the article: ALL EVIDENCE, EVERYWHERE, EMPIRACALLY POINTS TO THE FACT THAT MOST PARENTS ARE TOTALLY FUCKING MISERABLE 99.9% of the time. These are *not* my scientific experiments, ppl. These are the cold, hard, facts. There was one lil ole study a few years ago that everyone was jerking off to that FINALLY offered up evidence that parents are actually happier than non-parents, but oopsie! The scientist who conducted the experiment realized a few months later that all of his data was jacked, and as it turns out all the parents were still totally fucking suicidal. Here are some choice quotes from the article:

"As I shuffled back to the living room, I thought of something a friend once said about the Children’s Museum of Manhattan—“a nice place, but what it really needs is a bar...”

"From the perspective of the species, it’s perfectly unmysterious why people have children. From the perspective of the individual, however, it’s more of a mystery than one might think. Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines."

"MOMS: Ever feel alone in how you perceive this role? I swear I feel like I’m surrounded by women who were once smart & interesting but have become zombies who only talk about soccer and coupons.

This was an opening gambit on UrbanBaby this past April. It could have devolved into a sanctimommy pile-on. It didn’t.

I totally feel this way."

So basically society keeps telling us all that being a parent is the most satisfying and fulfilling thing we could possibly ever do as human beings...and that you don't know "real true love" until the chubby-cheeked face of your child stares back at you with laughter in their eyes. From the comments of the above mentioned NY Mag article:

"You want more than one because there is nothing, nothing, nothing that compares to the unconditional love between a parent and child. It's the most amazing high and, like drugs, its easy to forget the lows and bad trips and you want to experience the highs all over again."

Do you hear that, ppl? N-O-T-H-I-N-G compares to the unconditional love you receive from your child, so like don't even TRY to come up with some other shit that could mebbe come close. It can't! Your only hope for really, truly, feeling satisfied and fulfilled is to procreate.

Only, newsflash: 99.9999% of the time its gonna suck a dick...and you're gonna be miserable...and poor...and stressed...and not feel like fucking your husband...or even having a normal conversation about ANYTHING not related to poop or sleep schedules...and you're not going to get to hang out with your friends anymore...or spend $400 on shoes you don't need...or ever take a vacation, ever, ever again. And I'M the asshole for not wanting to take part in that misery parade? I'm the sad, pathetic one who just doesn't get it?

And, look: I'm not a fucking moron either. I understand that not EVERYONE feels this way. And that there are *some* super duper evolved sons of bitches who are willing to admit that choosing to be child-free is kind of rad and no one needs to feel sorry for my ass. But I guess my beef is over the fact that, by and large, society still ain't on that gravy train...like at ALL. And despite the fact that parenthood seems to be scientifically proven to be a gigantic life-long suck fest, I'm a selfish bitch for choosing to be a #baller4life.

Anyway.

If being a parent sucks so damn hard, why are there so many fucking parents around, you might be wondering?

"The answer to that may hinge on how we define 'good.' Or more to the point, 'happy.' Is happiness something you experience? Or is it something you think?"

OOOOH, I get it! So all you bitches just *think* you are happy, even though you are so not. And if you admit that out loud, even just to yourself, you're a total fucking asshole...so you just don't. Until some scientist shows up on your doorstep ready to conduct a survey of how deeply shitty your lives actually are...then you've got a first class ticket on the truth train. It's alllllll making sense to me now.

I don't even know wtf I'm looking for anymore...maybe just some more of this sort of honesty? I have no hope of ever getting any, b/c of course if you say: "Eh...the scientists are mostly right. Being a parent sucks a dizzle, and I hate it 87% of the time" then there's not as much room for stories like "Mommy Hate" or "Mommy Rage." Also, people will probably burn diapers on your lawn in the shape of a duck or a kitty cat or something.

And, also: I don't really give a rat's ass! You do what you want, and I'll do what I want.

But still: it would be pretty fucking refreshing (also: I told ya so).

Here are some better/stronger/smarter takes on this shit around the dub dub dub:

Childlessness is Awesome And I Love It (The Awl)

It's Ok To Not Like Being A Parent (Or An Adult) (The L Magazine)