Kiddie Worship-n-Balloon Boy

The absurdity that unfolded during the several hours that the Balloon Boy story broke yesterday and spread across the entire motherfucking galaxy like a bad rash, can only be described as I-N-S-A-N-E. And not like casual "I take Wellbutrin and I've stalked a coupled of ex BF's" insane." I'm talking full on serial killer, schizophrenic, "I'm from another planet and I'm here to educate your people" sort of loony tunes, bat shit c-r-a-z-y.

Though it was also kind of awesome.

Because more than any other event in recent history, Balloon Boy serves as a textbook example of exactly what I'm talking about when I say "kiddie worship."

Here's my broad definition of KW: the current societal and cultural obsession that exists in our country with children (especially babies), the result of which, produces an ongoing deification of both children as a group, as well as the act of parenting itself.

It's kinda like a cult…except almost everyone on the planet is in it.

And because kiddie worship has become so prevalent, its gotten to the point where it is noticeably informing almost every aspect of our culture's psyche…particularly within the media.  The result is that virtually any atypical event, set of circumstances or situation that happens to involve a child in any way, shape or form is loudly and proudly tagged by every "dick-who-clicks" with a friggin internet connection--with a code red level of importance that is approximately a bajillion kajillion times higher than it would have been if a child were not involved.

Exhibit A: Balloon Boy.

Imagine, if you will, that instead of a snot-nosed, 6-year-old, anti-pussy lil' douchedude, a 42-year-old man was tragically trapped in the runaway UFO, whose image was splashed across every major news network in the English speaking world for two plus hours.

Are you imagining?

Of course you're not! Because if that were the case, you would have NO FUCKING CLUE what a home-made UFO looked like, why anyone would want to fly it, or why ANYONE in their right mind would have taken hours out of their work day to sit staring at some live feed of that stupid fucking UFO flying asshole's attempt to be meta. It barely would be a footnote on last night's newscast, and wouldn't have made it further than a few "news of the weird" columns on a number of blogs.

Q: But isn't the loss of life tragic no matter who it is?
A: No (*no one would give a shit about the 42-year-old dude…even if he crash landed face first into the side of a mountain ).

BUT WAIT, try this one one:

Now imagine that It was a misguided 42-year-old guy in the homemade UFO, BUTTTTT, he was a single dad with 4 young kids.

BOOM!

See that…now I got you feeling sympathetic again and boo hoo-ing all over your keyboard because of the addition of the kids and the single dad bullshit.

Inneresting, right?

I'm telling you bitches, this kiddie worship crap has spread so far and so wide, most people can't even identify it anymore as a thing that actually exists…its just part of our culture.

This Balloon Boy BS had everyone crazy glued to their flatscreens allllll afternoon---the world literally STOPPED while this shit was all going down. No one gives a rat's ass about you and your stupid job, but what about the scientists who are working on cures for cancer…and all the police officers…and all the air traffic controllers.  I saw rough estimates on CNN: they were guessing that hundreds of police officers and various law enforcement peeps were involved, and that this whole debacle likely cost taxpayers 50k in direct fees (and who knows how much in indirect fees, lost wages, time wasted etc). Now we gotta worry about everyone's asses being distracted by bullshit like this? Cause its gonna keep happenin.

True confessions: what annoyed the living fuck out of me most of all, was the high-n-mighty attitude that seemed to emerge around this whole thing (particularly on Twitter)--where people were saying things like how sad and disgusting and inappropriate it was for ANYONE to be making a joke about this. I have kids and this is JUST AWFUL. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS LIKE. How do you people live with yourselves? Blobbity blah blah.

a. You're seriously telling me not to make a motherfucking joke about a kid who runs away in a home-made "rogue" tin-foil UFO and has the entire state of Colorado following him on a manhunt, who's named Falcon and has parents who have been on Wife Swap? Like for realz?

b. No I don't think children dying is a laughing matter you fucktard, but where were you yesterday when some poor kid got run over by his popz in the driveway? Or when some other kid drowned in his bathtub. Where was the outrage then?? Horrible shit happens every day EVERYWHERE to kids and adults. But also, this father LEFT A FUCKING UFO UNATTENDED IN HIS BACKYARD (whythefuckdoyouhaveakid DOT COM??).

c. I totally called this bullshit. ANNND, I love how the kid full on admitted that the whole thing was a hoax that his mommy and daddy made him do (sidenote: its apparently also ok to encourage your 6-year-old to use the word "pussy"). Reality show in 3...2...1?

So, in summary: yeah, kids are v. fucking cute…but can all y'all relax with this kiddie worship bullshit?? Having kids used to be just that…have em, enjoy em, raise em. Big whoop. No one gave a rat's ass.

Now you gotta be building shrines-n-shit as dutiful card carrying members of the Cult of Kid…cause, I guess, Angelina Jolie told you to?

Gag me.

Try Scientology…its cheaper than breeding, with all the same cult-like perks (win/win).