Kiddie Worship-n-Balloon Boy

The absurdity that unfolded during the several hours that the Balloon Boy story broke yesterday and spread across the entire motherfucking galaxy like a bad rash, can only be described as I-N-S-A-N-E. And not like casual "I take Wellbutrin and I've stalked a coupled of ex BF's" insane." I'm talking full on serial killer, schizophrenic, "I'm from another planet and I'm here to educate your people" sort of loony tunes, bat shit c-r-a-z-y.

Though it was also kind of awesome.

Because more than any other event in recent history, Balloon Boy serves as a textbook example of exactly what I'm talking about when I say "kiddie worship."

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Japan Doesn't Give A Shit About Park Slope

Our friend is an Exec Producer on that show "I Survived a Japanese Gameshow" and they're currently shooting the second season in (wait for it....) Japan.  He sent me the above pic after his morning commute on the subway the other day.

Keep in mind, this is a Japanese person wearing this sweatshirt...not some snot-nosed BK hipster on spring vacay.

Needless to say, he's getting back to me on exactly how to say "FUCK YOU, WILLIAMSBURG" in Japanese.  We'll print up shirts soon and send you all one. Cool?

Our App For The "No Cussing" Club Was Fucking Rejected

Dear No Cussing Club,

I suppose its no surprise that our motherfucking, titty sucking application to join up with you snatch hats was summarily rejected.

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A Bank Robber's Guide to Park Slope NJ

Re-cesh got you down? Maybe its time to consider bank robbery!

Those yucksters over at NY Mag cooked up a killer list of do's and don'ts for any aspiring bank robbers out on the prowl: The New Etiquette of Bank Robbery.

We gotta hand it to em': the list is well thought out, chock full of great tips, and even green! (3. When making a getaway, always use public transportation).

Tres responsible.

But #4 is fucked up: Try to rob banks only in the boroughs. Every bank robbery in Manhattan has to be reported on the evening news, whereas it takes five in one day to report on the boroughs. Might we suggest Park Slope, any place in New Jersey, or Park Slope?

Ok, granted that suggestion is funny as shit, but we gotta pipe up regarding the fact that NJ would be a WAY better choice for a bank robb-er-ayyy. I mean, that place is a gigantic shithole!

In fact, we're gonna go one step further and suggest the following NJ towns as good places to start for any aspiring Jesse James-ers:

*Alpine - Rappers, celebs and rich Jews
*Franklin Lakes - Richy riches
*Short Hills - LOADS of rich Jews
*Livingston - more rich Jews
*Maplewood - sister city to Park Slope, yo!

Leave us alone in Park Slope...too many bebes in strollers runnin around while you're trying to grab people's money-n-shit.

*Awkward*

How To Be A Local Character [What Park Slope Needs More Of]

In my opinion, one of Park Slope's *main* downfalls, is the severe lack of totally fucking crazy people here.

I mean, yeah, we've got loads'o undercover, pill poppin, neurotic, "I spend half my salary on therapy" "crazy" people like me here, but I mean REAL crazy. We need more characters like Prince Mongo above.

Prince Mongo lives in a mansion in Memphis, TN. He takes in homeless people and believes he's from the planet Zambodia. Also he has a collection of 50 toilets he keeps in his front yard and has run for political office.

Anyone in Park Slope like this that we're missing??

And in the meantime, don't you think its time you really help out your community? Please read this article in Mental Floss...there are some great tips on how to be a bigger/badder/more eccentric local character in there.

(via Buzzfeed)