Hipster Invasion?

photo: Sarah Schmidt

Apparently the Brooklyn Museum is not, indeed, under siege...they were just filming some stupid show called Kings for NBC.

(Vulture via Brooklynian)

What's With All The Hipsters?

(photo = Hipster Runoff via theCobrasnake)

"What's the deal? The dark frame glasses, tight jeans, scruffy faces, Brooklyn Industries bags, incredible skinniness, Chuck Taylor sneakers? Why are they all such carbon copies? I thought that whole style started as a way to be different, and now it's like a population of people who are exactly like each other and who are, in fact, very difficult to tell apart. I'm not trying to be offensive here, I'm truly curious. Does anyone know?"

BWAAAHHAHAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA.

Yes, please! Does anyone KNOW??

(via Brooklynian)

Asian Sandwiches = TRENDY

Yet again, Park Slope is at the crossroads of whatever is hot and happening in the world at large.

Check it: The NYT has declared Asian sandwich shops the next hot food trend.

And what should be opening up RIGHT HERE in Park Slope in a few short weeks!?

HANCO'S! AN ASIAN SANDWICH SHOP.

It's like, we jump on shit before some asshole even recognizes it as a trend! We're soooooooooo trendy!

Don't you sometimes just sit there wondering how is it that we rule so fucking hard?

Us too!

(Good for you, Park Slope).

Are You Raising A Douchebag?

Details was wondering (and fine, so were we).

"Do you think it's cute when 4-year-olds opine about Damien Hirst and demand heirloom tomatoes?"

(If we had a category like Gawker called Shut Up Brooklyn, this would most def be in it).

A Tea Lounge Survival Guide For the Babyless

(photo: NY Mag)

After my internet went out early last week, I found myself desperate, alone, and left with no choice: I had to go to the Tea Lounge.

Now, I really do love the Tea Lounge. I like the energy there, the feeling that we're all typing away for the collective good of the dub dub dub at large, and I also really dig the hot apple cider. But, after spending an extended party remix amount of time there, I can handily confirm that all the rumors are true: "Tea Lounge" IS actually code for "daycare center."

R u babyless? Wanna survive your Tea Lounge experience without killing anyone? Learn from my mistakes and follow these 5 simple rules...

5. Choose the right seat - I cannot stress how critical this is. More than anything else, this will likely influence your overall Tea Lounge level of enjoyment. As a general rule, I find that closer to the wall is best. Most ideal = that platform seating against the back wall. Is it the most comfortable? No, but have you ever seen anyone lug a bugaboo up there? Also, misbehaved kids can fall off the platform onto their fucking faces and so Mommies-n-Daddies seem to avoid this spot at all costs. 2nd choice would be seating at the communal table against the side wall. Now if there is some sort of live muzak or poetry slam going on, they move this table, so this isn't *always* an option, but that tends to happen later at night after most of the kiddos are gone anyway. Also, a seat at the bar is always a good bet, which brings me to #4.

4. Order Booze - I don't care what time it is, order yourself up a cocktail. Nothing else says "fuck off" to a parent quite as effectively as a hipster with their macbook drinking a beer at 10:30am. Even if you don't plan on really drinking, its worth the $8 for the martini glass. Trust me: its almost like wearing a garlic necklace to ward off a vampire: the shit works.

3. Avoid the front half of the Lounge - This is sorta related to #5, but is worth calling out: that front sectional couch area (closest to the free standing video game in the corner) seems to be the unofficial Romper Room area. I don't know if its because its closest to the stroller parking lot (i.e. where all the SUV strollers are left) or if its a legitimate Tea Lounge designated playpen area, but don't go there. This is especially critical if you find yourself there anytime before 8pm (the morn, unsurprisingly, seems to be the worst. OH, also, at 11am on Wednesdays there is a "sing along;" DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT ever go there at this time).

2. Don't make eye contact, Smile or say "aww, how cute" to anyone - This one seems pretty obvious, but is also crucial. Just as weirdos like that dude Mystery who has that whole show about pickin' up women on VH1 talks about the signals you give off at a bar, so is the case at TL. Smiling at a kid or engaging one in conversation is a classic sign that you are open/interested in tot time. If one parent sees you being all shmoopy with someone else's kid, then they won't think twice when their little rug rat comes running through and throws their blankie in your face. They saw you showing Cooper what a cappuccino is! You Love kids! N'uh uh. Keep to yourself and don't talk to anyone (unless you are sitting next to a hot guy/girl and you are single and ready to mingle...in which case you should watch that Pick Up Artist show on Vh1).

1. Surf porn - When all else fails, this is your most effective go to getthefuckawayfromme technique. When Super Mom walks by you as you're casually surfin on Hot XXX Latina Bitches dot com, you're guar-awn-teed that she'll be keepin her lil bebe as far away from you as she possibly can (i.e. probably on the front couch). TIP: I like to keep some porn open in one of my browser tabs, just in case I ever need to quickly pull it up.

So, yeah--I get that there is no hope of ever having a babyless Tea Lounge enviro. But is segregation really so bad after all?