ATTN BREEDERS: WHAT TO EXPECT TO BE TURNED INTO MOVIE

What To Expect When You’re Expecting (a book about totally FUCKED UP and UNFUN times) is being turned into a feature length film by Lionsgate.

Unless you’re totally high off kale chips, you know that What to Expect is the pregnancy bible for MILFS all around us. It spawned a whole unfortunate trend of fetus to fruit and vegetable comparisons that totally RUINED food for me. Moms at Associated Market (let’s get real--Union Market) are always talking about how their babies are the size of young ripe squash while I am just trying to mind my own business and eat a crap load of bread and olive oil samples.

Anyway, unless they are turning the book into a horror movie (I mean FILM), this news makes NO FUCKING SENSE. It’s as though no one at Lionsgate has ever had a mucus plug fall out of them--peeps don't want to imagine that shit, let alone see it on the big screen

Here are a few highlights from the book so that you'll know how many barf bags you should bring to the theatre with you:

• The fluid isn’t clear--it’s greenish brown.

• I cant seem to control my urine. It just leaks out.

• I did some cocaine a week before I found out I was pregnant... (OOPSIES!)

FUCK IT, I've changed my mind. This movie is going to rule harder than an erect penis that penetrates a vagina and gets it pregnant.

(via EW)

LOCO FOR LOKO: BROOKLYN ASSEMBLYMAN GETS SHITFACED FOR SCIENCE

There's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics: For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending a Brooklyn PTA meeting, one of the most annoying parts about them (which is like saying "one of the worst parts of cancer") is having these PTA jerkoffs standing around name-dropping Z-list "borough celebrities" and diddling each others' self-importance clits while keeping their arms folded and their heads a'nod.

So granted, while there's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics, even *I* had to learn a Brooklyn Assemblyman's name after he performed this heroically ridiculous stunt in the name of lawmaking:

Here's Assemblyman FELIX ORTIZ (a local rising star and a name to watch out for) downing 2.5 cans of Four Loko before puking and shitting his pants in front of a scruffy "doctor" and hot milfy "newswoman."

The ONLY way that I could possibly give Ortiz more props is if he had simultaneously decided to test the Health Department's statistics on STDs in the Latin American community by mounting the blonde newswoman and entering her without protection.

It'd be a sacrifice, sure, but I'm sure a public servant like Ortiz would be willing to do almost ANYTHING for the sake of the community. 

Fave part of the video -- better than watching Ortiz down that putrid shit or try to walk a straight line afterwards -- is at 2:02 when the American doctor pronounces GUARANA with a Spanish accent like some douchebag language-studies major saying "en-chee-LA-tha" to the guy behind the counter at Uncle Moe's. 

It's so awesome that Ortiz would do this. I will vote for him in every election for the rest of my life to keep him in office forever like King George, even though I don't know if that's possible because I don't know if "Assemblymen" have term limits or even what they do. 

I feel fine about this guy being in office FOREVER, regardless of his policies. Who cares what he thinks about the issues anyway? Nothing he could ever do could POSSIBLY affect a single human life. 

BEST THING EVER ALERT: Punch Me Panda

Rob Bennett for The Wall Street JournalUhm, this might be the best thing I've ever seen...like in my whole entire life.

This dude, Nate Hill, has created a roving art project called: Punch Me Panda. Basically he dresses up like a gigantic panda, and walks around Brooklyn looking for people to punch him. It costs a penny a punch...and based on these photos from the WSJ, it's TOTALLY FUCKING WORTH IT.

You can even call this dude for an appointment!? (Call or text 347-742-2293). Should we have the Panda meet us all at the corner of 7th Ave and Union Street tonight for a FIPS sponsored punch-a-thon?? For a penny a punch, all punches are on me!

In the meantime, you can get more Panda action on Twitter.

(via the WSJ)

Raccoon Terror Threat Alert = Red

This post goes out to allllll you mofos who thought that my post about the vigilante Park Slope raccoon who got beheaded a few months ago was a leetle too over the top...cause I'm just wondering how "over the top" you think shit will be when a motherfucking, titty sucking raccoon breaks INTO YOUR GODDAMNED APARTMENT AND EATS YOUR BABY!???

9-month-old Baby in Georgia Nearly Eaten By Raccoons; Animals Chewed on Face, Head, Hands:

A baby was hospitalized on Wednesday after being attacked by a pair of raccoons as she slept in her own crib.

The 9-month-old Georgia girl is listed in critical condition and suffered extensive injuries to her head, according to The Covington News.

The raccoons entered the home around 4 a.m. through the side panels of a window air conditioner in the mother's bedroom, where the baby slept, authorities said.

You know, I gotta say, if I've learned one thing through all these raccoon incidents it's this: those bitches are BALLSY. Like, they just don't give a FUCK who you are or what the fuck you think you're gonna do to them. If they wanna eat your baby's face, they will goddamned eat your baby's face.

I mean, DAYM.

Consider yourselves warned (AH-gain).

Brooklynian Mod Smackdown: Shit Just Got Real

Honestly ppl, go pop some popcorn, roll a joint and fire up ur laptops, cause this thread: Brooklynian Apologizes For Bone-Headed Editing of Posts is this stuff my motherfuckin dreams are made of.

As all y'all know, my love/hate relationship with Brooklynian is long and distinguished (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID). Don't get me wrong: there is always way good shit on those boards and not everyone is a douche canoe, but also there is so much back-and-forth whiny-assed, self-important bitch sniping, it almost makes this blog look like the Holly Hobby Chronicles. And from my very casual observations, much of this redonkulus bitch slappery, comes straight from the moderators themselves.

I don't spend nearly enough time over there to truly understand how the fuck one becomes a mod, how many mods there are, or what the fuck these mods actually do, but one mod in particular seemed to get a leetle bit drunk with power when he decided to replace all mentions of our president as "Barry" (across a number of threads) to "President Obama."

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