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Happy Thanksgiving! ('Fo Shizzle, My Pilgrizzle)

From Urban Dictionary:

1. thanksgiving -
a day we commemorate taking advantage of the "indians" by stealing their land, food, and lifestyles in exchange for cheap trinkets.

Ahh thanksgiving, lets give thanks to those indians for letting us screw them wholeheartedly.

2. thanksgiving -
the one before Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving! This date lets everyone know that Christmas is just one month away.

3. thanksgiving -
another excuse for Americans to spend an entire day eating.

Damn, it's not a weekend, and i want to eat all day; Why Don't we invent a holiday and give it a stupid name?

Fo Shizzle, My Pilgrizzle!

[Happy Thanksgiving everyone!]



*Check out BAM's Punk "n" Pie Film Series (Brooklyn Based).

*Eat Peanut Butter Pie (no bake recipe for morons like me who call a stove repair man to fix my oven despite the fact that I had never called the gas company to switch on our gas in the first place) (Gothamist).

*Beat the shit out of a "slow blogger" (file under stupidest idea i've ever heard) (Buzzfeed).

*Go to Tempo (on Fifth Ave) on Sat night. They are donating 100% of any money spent in their restaurant to a charity that helps peeps on the brink of economic collapse. Yay for that (Brooklyn Paper).

*Watch The Burg: A Hilarious webisode series about a group of hipsters living in Williamsburg; i.e. the most annoying Brooklyn nabe in the history of the universe (yes, WAY more annoying than PSlope. Way). (TheBurg.TV)

*Volunteer or make a donation to the Greenpoint Reformed Church Soup Kitchen (New York Shitty).

*Track Simon Rich down, tell him I lurv him, and convince him to be my facebook friend (Daily Intel).


No One Wants To Live In Manhattan Anymore

Dear Manhattan,


Brooklyn is so cool now our rents are higher than yours.

Take that, bitches!

Park Slope +1
Manhattan -100,000,000,000

Call us when you don't suck...we'll be drinking Bloody Mary's at the Montauk Club.


(curbed via The Daily News)


Curbed Commenter #19 Destroys F.I.P.S.

Last night at 10:57, Curbed Commenter #19 launched the destructive blow that would end the careers of three aspiring wannabe bloggers.

Stupid. Some day they will wake up old and realize they contributed nothing of any use to society or even themselves.
boring snoooooooze

Comment #19, left at 11/25/08 10:57 PM.

Upon reading the prescient analysis, Erica, Greg, and Ben decided to hang up their hats and shut down site operations after only 3 days of's existence.

It's been a fun ride - thanks everyone!


BREEDER vs. BALLER: Can You Please Wipe Your Kid's Nose? (I'm Gonna Fucking Throw Up)

Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.


I've resigned myself to the fact that, as a Breeder, YOU (with your Park Slope platinum card status), are hereby permitted to engage in the following with no consequences whatsoever:

*run my ass over with your stroller
*block the aisles in all stores (including Babeland! A fucking sex shop!) with said stroller
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my lunch
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my dinner
*allow your kid to scream its head off while I quietly attempt to enjoy my motherfucking vodka gimlet


With the official change in season from Fall to full on, coats/hats/glove Winter weather, I've been noticing a rather disgusting development take shape that I can no longer ignore: i.e. WILL YOU PLEASE WIPE YOUR KIDS' DRIPPING, SNOTTY NOSES?

I was standing in line at the Rite Aid on Seventh Avenue (which is punishment fucking enough, thank you very much) and some crunchy, Birkenstock wearing organic farm patronizing MIWNLF was standing in front of me with her Bugaboo and her two screaming kids. Of course she was standing there with one of those "I know my kids R being assholes right now but what the hell do you want from me?" looks. After a few failed attempts at shutting her cootie-infested future douchetards up, I was actually feeling kinda bad for this chick. That is until her son (2? 3? Fuck if I know) who she happened to be holding as her baby was screaming in the "boo," actually started dripping *real* snot down over his mamz shoulder onto my roll of toilet paper, large bottle of tums, and bag of Utz Super Dark Pretzels.

I shit you not, people.

I had kid snotz all over my future purchases.

I'm about as far as a germaphobe as you can comfortably get, and I was disgusted so profoundly, I had to leave.

(no apologies, of course, and YES she did see what was happening b/c she turned around and said "oh...sorry.").

Before you start ranting and raving about "isolated incidents" and all that bullshit, I submit the following: last night I got a (very mediocre, granted) slice of pizza at Smiling Pizza on 9th & 7th before hopping on the F. I was taking my coat off and getting my ass settled as I left my pizza sitting on the table. I'm literally pulling my sweater over my head as I watch (THROUGH THE FIBERS OF MY SWEATER, PEOPLE) some little devil spawn in the booth next to me take his hand, wipe his nose and then reach into my booth to place said hand all over my motherfucking piece of pizza.


My jaw was on the floor, of course, as at the last second, this devil spawn's dad looks over and sees what's going on. He then says to me "sorry...he didn't mean it" and turns around. Uhm. He didn't mean WHAT, YOU COCKSUCKER!!?? He didn't "mean" the snot rocket that has now been wiped all over my goodammed slice of pizza!?

Thankfully, the caring and considerate peeps at Smiling saw this all go down, rolled their eyes, and gave me a brand new slice no charge.



Baller, you ignorant slut.

Are you fat? You sound fat.

Listen: Why do you give a FUCK whether my kid has a runny nose? Maybe if you stopped getting late night pizza at Smilers and started jogging, you wouldn't have to concentrate on my kid's crusty-ass boogers so intently.

Your argument is that of a typical kidless individual -- how do I know? Because you remind me 100% of myself before I had kids: "Wipe your kid's nose! Why do they get so messy when they eat? Why are they so loud on planes? waaaaaaah!"

What I didn't understand, and what you can't understand now, is that YOU CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL THEM. You think I let their noses run on purpose, cause I like how it fucking looks, or because I like doing 10 loads of snot-laundry a week? I can't fucking stop it! When I wipe my kids nose, it starts running again. If I follow them around wiping their noses, WHICH I DO, it keeps running! I'm not gonna cauterize my kid's nose with a soldering iron just so that you don't have to look at his crusty face.

You think I think it's cute? It's the bane of my fucking existence! You think it inconveniences YOU? All YOU have to do is look away -- and please, I'm not buying that the snot GETS ON YOU or on your pizza - it's just nasty to look at so you're using the physical-contact stories in your argument like some Joe the Plumber shit. Get the fuck outta here with that.

Wiping their noses doesn't help. I've tried. Why don't *you* try shutting the fuck up and looking somewhere else.