Update: Jersey Still a Gigantic Shithole

On Saturday I had to drag the kids out to Highland Park, NJ to go visit friends who just moved there from Park Slope. I took horrifying pictures.

Please someone save these goddamn images to their hard drive and push them in my stupid face the next time I complain the tiniest little bit about how much I hate Park Slope.

In my defense, it's a logical thought progression; I live in Park Slope and:

• I pay an absurdly high rent for a small place with no backyard and mice


• I deal with politically-correct asstards, pushy parents, food co-op proto-scientologists, and wall street fucks for whom Park Slope was a last-ditch Safety School


• I have no fucking clue where my kids will go to middle-school


• I have no fucking money

...so when my wife and I stay up at night fighting because of all these factors, it's natural that we consider the all-out gamechange provided by dropping the atom bomb: Shoot the moon - just quit - fuckin move to Jersey!

Too bad it's not that easy. Just look at this shithole:




Imagine you actually had to live there and look at this crap every day? LIVE inside these pictures? Anything is better than that. This is why we fight; This is why we stay; This is why we tough it out and Zipcar to Fairway.

Sunset Park Sounds Dee-Lightful

Uhm, do you think Sunset Park is pissed about the fact that out of the top 5 reasons Metro suggests that people should live there:

*1-2 are all about Costco.
*3 involves getting a lapdance.
*4 is about 18 wheelers parking on 39th street.
*and 5 is about cheap rents.

?

Doomed Burger Joint Built on Indian Burial Ground

As if you couldn't recognize this place from the photo, this is the shapeshifting burger place on the corner of 9th street and 7th ave. I was walking back from getting raped by Bank of America ATM fees, when I noticed that the awning had changed again.

What is it with this shithole that none of its slightly-different flavors can keep their doors open for more than 6 months?

First there was a mysterious closure, then big health department signs, then a few shifts of the awning without any closures at all - what the fuck!?

Now, I've made it a point to personally sample every single one of the doomed instantiations - and with the exception of 'Bar Minnow' - which really was a kick-ass bistro, this place is always exactly the same: Mediocre burgers, and shitty fries that look awesome but taste like they've been cooked in elementary school cafeteria grease from the 80's.

The food isn't what kills it though - the hallmark of the restaurants in this spot is always the same: really really shitty service. Makes Dizzy's look like Lutèce. Each time I eat at one of these restaurants the same exact situation unfolds: I end up getting stressed when the hot teen waitress abandons me either while:

* I'm trying to order for my bratty kids (miss, sorry sorry - we're not done yet - miss? (wait a sec- why the fuck am I apologizing!? ))

* We're waiting for the food

* We're waiting for the one-more-thing check-in (e.g. this is great thanks, sorry, we're still waiting for that ketchup? thank you so much! sorry!)

* Waiting to get the little-too-expensive bill.

...and each time the waitress abandonment takes place I look around and think to myself where is the manager? No, fuck that, where is the owner? Is he independently wealthy? Does he WANT to succeed? I mean, if I was ballsy and psycho enough to open the same exact restaurant in a place that KEEPS failing, I'd be watching 24/7 to make sure shit was running smooth. I'd have a 3 day staff training in Cabo to make sure that my hot little waitresses never treated my precious customers like jerkoffs.

Haven't been to the new "Flipsters" yet, but I will go soon, for the good of science.

Anyone got more info?

New to Park Slope? Ignore EVERYTHING You Read in the Daily News

I happened across an article in the Daily News Money section (??) this morn entitled "New to Park Slope? Follow these rules."

Ok, rad. I'm thinking, of course, that this piece is gonna be a hella entertaining, tongue-in-cheek, humor-filled missive about life in our fave nabe we love to hate/hate to love.

Uhm....no.

I've read this article several times now, and I still have no fucking clue what its about. It seems to be a cross between a list of things to keep in mind when parking your car and a list of things to keep in mind in order to NOT make your multi-million dollar brownstone look like a piece of shit, bring down your neighbor's home values, and embarrass yourself.

Let us parse, shall we?:

1. A stoop is the brick or stone half-walls that jut from either side of the front door. Yours is attached to your home. Here’s the rule part — if it isn’t yours, don’t decorate it - OHHHHHHHHHHHH. OK, Daily News. So like we *shouldn't* spend 2.595 millies on an 1888 revival townhome on Lincoln Place, for instance, and then start decorating next door to make it look like the pic above? Good one! Got it!

2. Contact information: This is a biggie among all city-dwellers, not just alone old-school Slopers. Once you leave your car double parked, you must either place your phone number or address on the dashboard - Ok, back to the parking instructions it seems. I just so happened to walk by a hot, silver Porsche Cayenne with two car seats and an Obama bumper sticker on it last night that was double parked in front of our building. This was the note that I happened to glance at on the dash:

Dear Asshole,
First of all, if you can read this you are already WAY to close for comfort to my expensive fucking car. Back the fuck off. Second of all, if you need to get out of your spot during the 78 seconds I'm double parked here while I go pick up my daughter from her playdate, just chill. I will be right back. If you *absolutely* cannot wait, please call my cell: 800-STFU-LOL.
Thx,
Carol

3. Dress Code: Your neighbors don’t want to see your underwear or anything else under your robe, for that matter - Speak for your goddammed self, Daily News.

4. Stealth (Wealth): Old-school Slopers...literally cringe when they see the new wealthy residents do things like drape a 50-foot flag across the entire front of their home - Again, why is my fucking taste level called into question? If you're able to afford to buy a 2.595 million 1888 revival townhome, I think you should feel free to fly your gay pride flag without reservation.

In conclusion, I'm pretty positive this is the single stupidest thing I've ever read in a real life, for profit newspaper. Not only are these rules retarded, they have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Park Slope (except, I guess that there *are* stoops in PSlope...and cars).

Way to go, Daily News.

Keep Ur Eyes Peeled 4 Mango

Mango, the adorable Jack Russell Terrier of Steve Tarpin from Steve's Key Lime Pies in Red Hook is missing.

He was was last seen outside Jake's BBQ and the B-61 Bar, at the corner of Degraw and Columbia Streets on Sat, Nov 22nd. Mango, apparently, isn't one to wander (and if this were me, I would be going batshit insane right now), so please keep your eye out for the little guy.

(via Gothamist)