WHO GIVES A SHIT: Does Your Dog Walk Like A Complete Asshole?

Cause Oliver T-O-T-A-L-L-Y does.

Now look: I know that this is mostly my fault cause I just let him do it, but my dog obsesively zigzags up and down the street like it's his job. I've drawn a diagram of a typical walk down our block, and I swear to you: this is not even remotely an exaggeration.

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WHO GIVES A SHIT: Have You Ever Almost Been Killed By A Kid On A Scooter?

illustration via My Complete Lack of Boundaries

Cause I have.

Like 11 billion million times.

You ppl are all: "bike lane, bike lane, bikes, baby bikes, BICYCLES" 24/7 and I just don't get it. Cause the only thing I'm worrying about in Park Slope is getting maimed by a reckless 8-year-old with a death wish on a motherfucking scooter.

THESE THINGS ARE A MENACE, PPL.

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WHO GIVES A SHIT: Has The 'Summer of Crime' Influenced You To Change Your Routine?

Like are you *actually* doing shit differently now that there are one or more maniacs on the loose?

Cause I totally am.

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WHO GIVES A SHIT: Has A Bird Ever Fallen In Love With You In Prospect Park?

Cause it happened to this chick...and she lived to tell the tale.

For the record: this would be my biggest nightmare x a billion. Birds are some freaky ass mofos.

Who Gives A Shit: The Pros and Cons Of Living Above A Restaurant?

Photo By Park Slope Lens

I've always wondered what it's like to live above a restaurant. The closest I've come is living directly below my landlord, who burned chicken every night and screamed at her kid like an angry short order cook. My friends Ed and Trevor live above a busy restaurant on 5th ave. I asked them what the pros and cons were of such a living situation. Here are their thoughts:

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