BREEDER TRIBUTE: 'Is This Real Life?'

David after the dentist

You. Are. Welcome.

FIPS UNDERCOVER III: Target, Atlantic Center Mall [Worse Than A Pap Smear]

This is part three of our four part series in which we attempt to uncover, once and for all, why the hell Target at the Atlantic Center Mall sucks a big dick.

ICYMI, Here's part one and part two.

NEWSFLASH: it's February. Christmas was over a month and a half ago. Now Duane Reade wants you to buy their Walt Whitman variety pack, chalky conversation hearts and pink M&M's. Back in our fave-oh-reet retail establishment, however, they *still* seem to be "restocking their shelves." That Christmas rush must have been fierce.

Dear anyone who is still claiming this shit is all a fluke: F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

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BREAKING: 'Gypsy' Becomes Momentarily Enjoyable

I never in a million years thought I'd say this - but I wish to christ I had been at this performance of Gypsy.

Check out the audio above - Diva Patti LuPone becomes psychotically enraged when a theatergoer dares to snap pictures of her during a performance. She stops the whole fucking show to scream like a lunatic and lecture this retarded couple, probably some redneck tourists from Nebraska, whose greatest sin in my mind was to give a fuck about Patti LuPone.

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FIPS UNDERCOVER: Target, Atlantic Center Mall [The Seventh Level of Hell]

This is part one of our four part series in which we attempt to uncover, once and for all, why the hell Target at the Atlantic Center Mall sucks a big dick.

(see part TWO here)

We double dawg dare you to try to conjure up a more poorly run, haphazardly stocked, woefully understaffed shit show of a retail establishment...a-n-y-w-h-e-r-e. Brownstoner wondered if the big box retailer's empty shelves over the holiday season signified the end of the global recession!

HAAAAAHHHH!

The only thing that shit signified was: Saturday.

Even if you can dig back into the deepest, darkest, furthest reaches of your mind to come up with a more fucked up store, it won't fly...cause dudez! This is Target! Tar-jay!

You're supposed to walk into Target, anywhere, and know exactly what you're getting. This place always looks like downtown Baghdad post Bush/Cheney special sauce bombz.

So here's what went down: we hauled our asses into the store on a typical Saturday afternoon and documented what we saw (and no, it was not pretty). I asked as many Target employees as I could find, one simple question: where are the duvet covers?

Hilarity ensued.

Please note: we have not manipulated or "reused" video in any way here (except to blur out faces). We shot endless rows of empty aisles and did not simply recycle shots of one poorly stocked aisle. This place actually sucks this hard.

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week!

FIPS ToDo's

*Tell us why we suck (or not): FiPS New Year's Resolutions (FIPS).

*Don't get divorced (at least right now) (Urbanite).

*Know how when you clean out your closet its a huge pain in the ass cause you can never figure out where the hell to donate your clothes? Well now you can take em to the Grand Army Plaza's Farmer's Market! Wearable Collections is going to have a collection bin every Saturday, from 8-4pm. Yay! (Wearable Collections).

*Relive the beautiful/craziness of the Polar Bear Club's New Year's Day swim (NewYorkology).

*Go shopping at one of NY's Top 10 new Stores of the Year (Racked).

*Recycle your Xmas tree! Curbside P/U starts tomorrow through Jan. 16th (OTBKB).