This Weekend: The F Takes Its Hatred for Me Out on You

Curious, you don't look much like a train to me.

Because I've somehow become the default bearer of F train (bad/gross/sexy/mostly gross) news, here's a HAPPY FUCKING FRIDAY announcement for you.

Tonight at 11:30 through the rest of the weekend, we're back to shuttle busses between Jay Street and Church Ave.  Transportation alternatives include Bugaboos, go-karts and dimensional teleportation.  I'll be too busy picking out the perfect shade of lilac for my bathroom walls and working on the teeny-weeny particle accelerator project I have going on in my garden to leave Brooklyn anyway, but I figured the rest of you might want a heads up.

I realize this affects the G train, too.  But since the G train is a mere figment of our collective imaginations, this is all of the acknowledgement it will get (also considering "You're still screwed" is no news, anyway).

This Is What Happens on the F Train

I always, always have something to say (to the point where it is a problem).  Well, "always" until something like this happens.  And then, at an unfamiliar loss for words, I quietly extract my BlackBerry from my bag, snap a photo to send to SubwayDouchery, whisper "Why god, why?" and then step off the F train with slightly less faith in the human race.

Discuss.

Ridin' the STF-Train

Click to enlarge, buds.

I don't have to tell you twice that I fucking love sitting on Missed Connections.  (Which, as I remain single becomes increasingly sadder, but we won't really deal with that right now, k?)  Trolling last night--for you guys, of course--I landed on this (unsanitary) shit:

"After a bumpy ride from Bed Bath and Beyond, I sat down in front of you. You got a little too close, but I figured it was because the train was getting crowded.  The crowd eased up a bit, and so did you.  You grabbed yourself once.  You grabbed yourself twice.  I figured you were sweaty.  You grabbed yourself a third, fourth, a fifth time. I figured you were REALLY sweaty.  You grabbed yourself a sixth and seventh time.  I thought you had a STD.  You grabbed yourself an eighth, ninth and finally tenth time - all between Smith and Ninth Street and Fourth Avenue.  I know you have an STD.  I know you are a creep. You got off at 7th Avenue, or maybe earlier."

I also know I don't have to tell you twice how much the F train causes me intense pain, though, apparently, not as much pain as this dude is going through.  I would like to add that ladies as a whole are not staring at your shit, but if you stick it in our faces, you leave us with no choice.

So, which one of you is the STD-infested creepy crotch grabber?  And, who of you have gotten an STD from him?  Not this chick, with her AP-style honed omission of the Oxford Comma, that's for sure.

Remember kids, use a condom. 

Interview with the F-train's 4th Amendment Vigilante

"Ladies and Gentleman, I'm tryina raise money... not for no team - this for me: to keep me off the streets and outta trouble; if you care to donate, all I got left are Starburss and M&M peanut." 

When the radio silence of your F-train commute is broken by a sudden vocal outburst, the chances are you're in for a proposition like the one above. 

There is a possibility, however, that the voice you hear will instead belong to this man: he's not asking for contributions, not looking to sell DVDs, or screaming about how his life was changed by Jesus.   

He's the F-Train's 4th Amendment Vigilante, and he just wants to make sure that New Yorkers know their rights. 

Click to read more ...

Your Weekend Plans = RUINED FOREVER

Daily Intel is reporting that the MTA is working on fixing the F train.  Of course, in typical MTA "let's do everything ass-backwards" fashion, things are gonna get a lot worse before they get even the tiniest bit better.

The weekends of February 20, February 27, May 8, May 15, May 22, November 13, and November 20, there will be absolutely no F train service.  For extra funsies, the G train will also be shut down on those weekends. 

Normally, I'm all like: I never want to leave Brooklyn anyway!  The problem with train service being shut down?  I can't get my friends to come to me if their only option for travel is a fucking shuttlebus.  And really?  THREE consecutive weekends in May?  Just when the weather is getting nice and I actually feel motivated to put down the remote control and stop watching epic marathons of "Bang for Your Buck" on HGTV? 

As always, thanks for nothing, MTA.