The Holiday Gift FIPStravaganza

The holidays are upon us, and since we all hate the Atlantic Center Mall as much as Tiger Woods’ wife hates him right about now (can you imagine what THAT place was like on Black Friday?  I’m shuddering), we decided to compile a list of cool gifts you can get for the various dbags in your life.

Each day, we’ll give you a bunch of gift suggestions for two of the people who fall into these ten gift-buying categories:

1. Co-worker you hate but have to pretend to like
2. Breeder friend and/or their bitch-ass kids
3. Douchey granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing hippie friend
4. The drunk in your life
5. Lovable nerds (and/or your dorky kid brother)
6. Home design gurus
7. Overly sentimental "spirit guide" friends who constantly remind you of their life motto: “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.”
8. Fur baby mamas-n-daddies
9. Foodie friends
10. Brooklyn snobs

All of the gifts we’ve picked are a.) relatively affordable and b.) can be bought right here in Park Slope (more specifically, on 7^th or 5^th avenues).  So stay tuned for FIVE DAYS of cool shit (via crappy iPhone photos, smart ass, potentially-offensive commentary, and an occasional high-res photo we googled when we got home). 

True confessions: doesn’t it feel nice to know that you can get all of your holiday shopping done without even having to get on the subway?  Good thing, too, because the F train isn’t running again. Or is it?  Who even fucking knows anymore?

Happy holidays!

Ad-derall: Dunkin Donuts Tuna Sandwiches

Ad-deral is (Amanda's!) new column in which we rant and riff on the ridiculous ads we're subjected to while trapped on the subway.  From the borderline racist local businesses (1-800-MARGARITA Divorce Attorneys) to the condescending national brands that pretend to know what it's like to ride the goddamned F train every day (Snickers, Delta), we'll tackle them all with the same smug outlook that has made us totally (not) famous.

I think we all can agree that a best-case-scenario normal ride on the subway still finds you crammed up against at least two to four people.  And I'm talking C-L-O-S-E. Like so close you're worried you might be pregnant, because you're pretty sure you just had sex with someone as you were trying to get to the motherfucking Jay Street exit.

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Where My Lesbos At?

I know that we've talked and talked about how Park Slope pretty much blows for singles (ed note: uh, that's why gawd invented the BK Meatup!), but the popular consensus seems to be that PS is a lesbian mecca. 

I get it—the setting is picture perfect for sapphic lifstyles. Lesbians can wear their Birkenstocks, have long talks about misogyny in Prospect Park, and buy organic food to their hearts content (to quote Amy Poehler in Baby Mama, "Organic food is for rich people who hate themselves").  But still, I've got to shout it from the rooftops (figuratively—I'm not allowed to go on my rooftop because my landlord will terminate my lease): WHERE MY LESBOS AT?!

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Count Metromix's Hot Plates Live as another successful tasting event at the Bell House

Featuring small bites (or, if we were in an episode of Top Chef, "amuse bouches") from 11 local restaurants, and four beers (Can I have four beers?) served in dixie cups (though, let's face it: I probably wouldn't be happy unless I was served beer in gallon jugs), alongside a cheese plate, the event space at the Bell House was crowded but not obnoxious at the Metromix Hot Plates Live shindig.

HOW'S THAT FOR A RUN-ON SENTENCE? Suck it, bitchez, I've got some food to write about.

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Park Slope Parents Run The Prospect Park Zoo?

And I don't mean "run the zoo" as in, those obnoxious aholes were all up in my grill when I was just trying to watch the 2pm sea lion feeding, letting their dbag children climb up onto the gates and scream loudly. I don't mean that AT ALL.

No. I mean this kind of shit being posted by the baboon cages: "We encourage our baboons to be themselves" --just like "we encourage our children to be entitled brats."

I mean, it's not much of a stretch, anyway. Baboons, small children...totally the same thing.