Bikers Need to Suck My Entitled Pedestrian Balls

And now, a few words about Brooklyn's most obnoxious, whiniest Minority: Bikers. Brooklyn's Bikers are so preachy, they make my relentless Jewish grandmother seem like a dead mime. Our Bikers are so whiny that they make Al Sharpton '87 look like an Asian Stuyvesant student. Come on Brooklyn, how many times have you been witness to this scene:

You're walking down sunny 7th avenue, and all of the sudden, your ears get a trebly blast of spastic white-guy rage:

"What the FUCK, man??" 

You turn around to see a guy on a bike SCREAMING at a terrorized motorist through a closed driver's-side window.

Whenever I see this, I just want to walk right up to the Biker as if I was Tom Cruise - as if I was ANY good Scientologist - and try to assist his situation.

"Really, Biker?" I would like to say, "You're shocked that this is happening? Because you see, I see it happen once a week, so I'm surprised that as a Biker, you haven't seen it before. Let's chalk that up to bizarre coincidence. Regardless, let me help by explaining the cause of your problem: You're on a bike, and this is a street, where cars drive. Look around: see how there are no other Bikes? It's all cars, right? That's because it's a street.

If you want to ride a bike, or a Segway, or roller skates, wow: you are creative and admirable, but don't forget the most important attribute of your decision; You're doing something weird. Why not go to the park? You can do all the biking and yelling you want and just let your spirit roam free.

While you're here on the streets though, remember our predicament: Most city people don't ride bikes for transport; they drive or take trains or they walk - and we can't make the rules based on what .001% of the population does. It doesn't add up! I guarantee that these cars are not trying to cut you off or hit you, because I know their drivers don't want to go to jail - it's just that your tiny appearance (compared to cars) and erratic behavior makes it difficult to accommodate your odd choice of vehicle. 

The reason that cities don't focus on bikes is the same reason Rockefeller Center doesn't focus on Chanukah: just going by the numbers, there aren't enough of you to matter. It's nothing personal, it's just numbers. So don't act shocked, don't get so uppity, and don't pretend that you have an equal right to the road: you don't. You're on a road that is for cars, and what you're doing is dangerous. Careful that you don't get hit!"

As for the new Brooklyn Bridge hubbub as reported by the NY Post, when I think about the controversy bubbling around it, i become so enraged that it's difficult for me to maintain my sarcastic, passive-aggressive tone. I have personally witnessed Bikers SCREAMING and cursing at children and tourists in that fucking Brooklyn Bridge Bike lane. They're like zooming little spandex hitlers. 

And Christ, by the way Bikers, by the time you get in to work, you're a sweaty, disgusting pile of spandex and sweat. You're like sweaty Chris Farley in a gimp suit. It's summer - what are you gonna do, shower at work? On behalf of everyone you work with: you're a big sweaty jerkoff; what the fuck is wrong with you? 

Bikers, please stand down. Stop acting like you're doing something great for society: you're riding a thousand-dollar adult version of a kid's playtoy. You're like a gigantic 35-year-old autistic child. If you're so morally superior, spend that thousand dollars on a charity, and then take the subway to work. Ooooooh, ethanol, hemp, co-op shift; I'm so impressed with you, idiot. "One less car" says your shirt. Oooooh, clever! How about one that says "One More Jerkoff."

Worst minority ever.

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