BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 2nd & 1st] vs. 5th Ave [btwn 1st & Garfield]

OMG!!! Have you guys heard about the best band on the planet? No, I’m not talking about Nickelback, although those Canucks know how to bring the generic rock with the best of them. It’s not Buckcherry either. OOH OOH!!! I’ll give you some hints…French band…named after a city in the last state to make MLK Day a holiday…burning bird…they were on SNL this past weekend…OMG!!! YOU KNOW IT!!! PHOENIX RULLZZ RIGHT!!! [ed note: hells to the motherfuckin YEAH.  I. AM. OBSESSED]

We paid tribute to one of rock’s aging legends with some hardcore Ozzy on Ozzy action last week, but this week, we’re going to skew a bit younger & help fuel a spiraling Phoenix obsession with a Block-Off! imbued with their Versailles spirit. Since the members of Phoenix would obviously hang out on 5th Ave, we’re keeping the competition there, focusing on the blocks between 2nd & 1st and 1st & Garfield.

2nd & 1st will be represented by the theme music of Phoenix’s 2006 album, It’s Never Been Like That, while 1st & Garfield will be themed by the band’s upcoming album, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, which I, through my utter awesomeness, have had the pleasure of hearing. By the time we’re done with our “Lisztomania,” one side will “Rally” and prove that they’re “Second to None,” an “Armistice” will be signed like it’s “1901” and if we’re feeling charitable, we’ll give out “Consolation Prizes” to the losing block. Let the indieelectropoptasmic judging begin!

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BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn Garfield & Carroll] vs. 7th Ave [btwn Lincoln & St John’s]

Over the past week, there have been two constants running through my days & nights. First, starting about a week back, I attempted to go without my daily kajillion cups of coffee. Without fail, every day by 5pm, I ended up tuckered out & taking naps. Second, when I could stay awake, I couldn’t stop listening to Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” That song fucking rocks my face.

Then, later in the week, whilst watching a bit of the NCAA Tournament, I saw an ad for World of Warcraft. Who’s in the ad? Ozzy Osbourne. The very next day, I was watching something on FOX (something ribald no doubt) & during a commercial break, I discovered the existence of The Osbournes: Reloaded, which premieres tonight. It was like Ozzy had found out how much I had been rocking out to “War Pigs” and decided to start stalking me. I went back to coffee the following morning.

In honor of all this coffee & Ozzy, this week I’m taking the Block-Off! to the two blocks that are home to Ozzie’s Coffee & Tea—5th Ave from Garfield to Carroll and 7th Ave from Lincoln to St. Johns. Sure, Ozzie’s isn’t spelled the same as the first name of the guy who brought us such classics as “Crazy Train” & "Bark At The Moon," but I’m pretty sure Ozzy can’t even spell his own name any more, so it’s all good.

As the two blocks both inhabit the persona of the ex-Sabbath front man, one will bite off the head of a dove, but that won’t be enough, so the other will bite off the head of a bat. As both acts are equally gnarly, the two will be forced to revert to a good ol’ substance consumption contest & go shot for shot, pill for pill, smoke for smoke, rail for rail until only one Ozzy remains…& that Ozzy will be totally awesome. Let the Prince of Darkness turned aging rocker spokesman-endorsed judging begin!

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BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 13th & 12th] vs. 5th Ave [btwn 7th & 6th]

Do you have the March Madness? Do you know someone who does? If so, be calm. It is not fatal. In fact, to the contrary, you or that aforementioned someone is in for the treat of your life this week.

Last week, the Block-Off! honored the Irish with a drag-out, ass-to-the-pavement, tits-to-the-floor brouhaha, but this week, it’s all about everyone’s favorite gamblefest, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Holy Non-Virginity-Losing Sweet Sixteen, Batman!

This week, we’re hanging out on 5th Ave and checking out the blocks between 12th & 13th and 6th & 7th. As the two blocks hustle hustle hustle & make it rain & leave it all out on the court for their fans, they’ll endure hard fouls & ball-hog point guards & a heart-warmingly cliché series of trials on their way to crowning a final victor. By the end, one block will emerge victorious and Dick Vitale will declare everything within fifty miles “Awesome, baby!” Let the bracketed, point-shaving-filled judging begin!

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BLOCK-OFF! 9th St [btwn 4th & 5th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 8th & 7th]

In last week’s Block-Off!, Evil kicked the crap out of Good and The Terrorists finally won. This week, as the drunkards of Park Slope get sloppy off of the vapors of St. Patty’s Day, I’m honoring my Irish-dominated Irish/Scottish/Belgian/German/French/Canadian ancestry with a full-scale donnybrook between two blocks that are home to old-timey Irish pubs. No I.R.A.-smuggled guns allowed!

This week, for the first time, we’re visiting a block off the Park Slope avenues, as 9th St between 4th Ave & 5th Ave goes up against 7th Ave between 8th & 7th Streets. As the two blocks don wardrobes ripe with leprechaun derbies & green sweaters & face-painted shamrocks, the pure good & positivity that’s synonymous with the Irish spirit will shine through…at least until the seventh round of Jameson shots. Then somebody will say the wrong thing & somebody will call the other one “wee” & it’ll be all “punch punch punch” & ripped green sweater humiliation until a final winner is decided. Let the liver-rotting, eye-swelling judging begin!

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BLOCK-OFF! 7th Ave [btwn 11th & 10th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 10th & 9th]

We took our first trip down to 4th Ave and celebrated reading through ranting in last week’s Block-Off! As the Block-Off! enters its seventh week, I’ve decided to introduce a sense of morals to the column, with an all-American struggle between two film stars representing the forces of good and evil. Tuesday the 10th marks the 52nd birthday of everyone’s #1 cave-dwelling, video-tape making representative of evil, Osama bin Laden. It also marks the 69th birthday of your favorite Republican, ass-kicking Oklahoman symbol of good, Chuck Norris (aka “the guy whose tears can cure cancer”).

In this week’s Block-Off!, 7th Ave between 11th & 10th Streets will be representing Osama bin Laden and the area of 7th Ave between 10th & 9th Streets will be representing Mr. Chuck Norris. As the two blocks embrace their personas and battle for the cause of freedom, likely via low-budget, direct-to-video films & a series of roundhouses & fatwa, the true nature of both good & evil will surface and a final, freedom-hating or -loving winner will be declared. Let the political-symbol based judging begin!

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