BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn Garfield & Carroll] vs. 7th Ave [btwn Lincoln & St John’s]

Over the past week, there have been two constants running through my days & nights. First, starting about a week back, I attempted to go without my daily kajillion cups of coffee. Without fail, every day by 5pm, I ended up tuckered out & taking naps. Second, when I could stay awake, I couldn’t stop listening to Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs.” That song fucking rocks my face.

Then, later in the week, whilst watching a bit of the NCAA Tournament, I saw an ad for World of Warcraft. Who’s in the ad? Ozzy Osbourne. The very next day, I was watching something on FOX (something ribald no doubt) & during a commercial break, I discovered the existence of The Osbournes: Reloaded, which premieres tonight. It was like Ozzy had found out how much I had been rocking out to “War Pigs” and decided to start stalking me. I went back to coffee the following morning.

In honor of all this coffee & Ozzy, this week I’m taking the Block-Off! to the two blocks that are home to Ozzie’s Coffee & Tea—5th Ave from Garfield to Carroll and 7th Ave from Lincoln to St. Johns. Sure, Ozzie’s isn’t spelled the same as the first name of the guy who brought us such classics as “Crazy Train” & "Bark At The Moon," but I’m pretty sure Ozzy can’t even spell his own name any more, so it’s all good.

As the two blocks both inhabit the persona of the ex-Sabbath front man, one will bite off the head of a dove, but that won’t be enough, so the other will bite off the head of a bat. As both acts are equally gnarly, the two will be forced to revert to a good ol’ substance consumption contest & go shot for shot, pill for pill, smoke for smoke, rail for rail until only one Ozzy remains…& that Ozzy will be totally awesome. Let the Prince of Darkness turned aging rocker spokesman-endorsed judging begin!

5th Ave from Garfield Pl to Carroll St:
This block begins on the left-hand side with Brooklyn Kitchen & Bath, which features a number of kitchen & bath displays right in the store. I learned the hard way that these are not “test models,” no matter how bad you have to go.

Next door’s where the foreign fanciness begins, with Le Chandelier, a salon founded back in 1997. The name is French for “the chandelier.” Keep in mind that if you try to do some Batman shit & break their chandelier, they will cut more than your hair.

After an APARTMENT BUILDING, the Frenchness continues with Trois Pommes Patisserie. Continuing with our French lesson, the name basically means “Three Apples Bakery.” Je veux manger la merde de tout ici.

Another APARTMENT BUILDING follows and then the block PICKS UP THE TEMPO with the Mediterranean stylings of…Tempo & Tempo Presto. Like the Ford Tempo (R.I.P.), both establishments provide fairly reliable & sometimes exciting experiences. Unfortunately, unlike the Ford Tempo, you can’t have sex in the back.

This side ends with 5th Ave Natural Grocery. Without it, we would have had our first bodega-free Block-Off! Instead, we are left with our hopes & dreams.

The right-hand side of this block begins with the larger of the two Ozzie's. Think pre-nineties Ozzy. Pre-“No More Tears” Ozzy. Pre-vegetarian Ozzy. The one who commanded a presence as he blew lines off/blew a load on your best friends’ tits…the bigger, X-rated Ozzy. It’s so big that I can only assume (until somebody tries it) that this Ozzie’s has tons of room for a Slip n Slide…and summer’s coming soon.

Aunt Suzie follows Ozzie's. They serve simple, no-nonsense Southern Italian food & have a simple, neon sign-lit no-nonsense storefront & a vanity phone number (718-788-AUNT).

After Aunt Suzie is Park Slope Family Dentistry. If you’re an orphan with rotted, gruel-soaked, Oliver Twist teeth, you should probably find someplace else to get your dental work done. On the flip side, if you’re a breeder popping out a breedling in the near future, they can definitely help you out.

The block ends with an EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be Lighthouse Tavern (Go Sox!) and Rita Knox Realty. Unlike most realtors, Rita doesn’t need no stinkin’ pictures of her properties in the windows. Hell, she doesn’t even need to keep the windows completely clean. What’re you looking in for anyway? She doesn’t watch you while you work.

Left-hand side:
Brooklyn Kitchen & Bath, 266 5th Ave, 718-783-2800
Le Chandelier, 264 5th Ave, 718-783-2457
APARTMENT BUILDING, 262 5th Ave
Trois Pommes, 260 5th Ave, 718-783-3500
APARTMENT BUILDING, 258 5th Ave
Tempo, 256 5th Ave, 718-636-2020
Tempo Presto, 254 5th Ave, 718-636-2020
5th Ave Natural Grocery, 252 5th Ave, 718-857-4819

Right-hand side:
Ozzie's, 249 - 51 5th Ave, 718-768-6868
Aunt Suzie, 247 5th Ave, 718-788-AUNT
Park Slope Family Dentistry, 245 5th Ave, 718-789-5700
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 243 5th Ave
Rita Knox Realty, 241 5th Ave, 718-965-2722

Scoring
Bonuses – One Ozzie’s, One Homey Italian Joint
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Foggy-Windowed Realtor

7th Avenue from Lincoln Pl to St John’s Pl:
The Brooklyn Conservatory of Music, housed in a crazy mansion on the corner, starts off this block. It was founded over one hundred years ago & has been teaching music to the community ever since. Unfortunately, they love jazz & classical here, so if you’re looking to learn how to play every kick-ass note of “War Pigs,” you’re going to have to call that dude who advertises on flyers taped to telephone poles all over the city.

The first business on the block is Olive Vine Café. It’s a cozy place with hummus & a patio & BYOB. You can’t go wrong with either of those three. Now, if they’d only relax their “no pants” policy & set up a “no rules” hookah out back, it’d be just like my college fraternity house.

Olive Vine Café is followed by another restaurant, Chiles & Chocolate Oaxacan Kitchen. Let’s get one thing clear. This place is not a Mexican restaurant. It says so right on the menu—“we are not a Mexican restaurant.” Last time I checked, Oaxaca was in Southern Mexico, but I guess you have to be more specific in this neighborhood. They can call it whatever they want, as long as they continue to feed me chiles & chocolate.

Then there’s Mango. I’ve given a lot of grief to Park Slope’s Thai restaurants over the past few weeks (because so many of them bore me), but this week, I’m feeling compassionate. Mango’s been one of the Thai places in the neighborhood where I’ve consistently enjoyed my food, so I’m laying off them.

After an APARTMENT BUILDING, this side of the block ends with Memorial Presbyterian Church. Technically, the entrance is on St. John’s, but it takes up so much of 7th Ave that I had to include it. Plus, I wouldn’t want some god to smote me because I left his church out of the special Ozzy-flavored edition of the Block-Off! God loves Ozzy!

The right-hand side of this block starts with the other Ozzie's. It’s the smaller of the two Ozzie’s, the post-rehab, cleaning my-shit up so I don’t die-sized Ozzy. It’s not as conducive to a Slip n Slide as the one on 5th Ave, but it still has yummy treats & necessary coffee.

There’s a nice stretch of APARTMENT BUILDINGS after Ozzie’s. As part of my investigative work, I snuck up the stoop of each building and peered in the front windows of each. I’m am sorry to report that Steve Buscemi was not inside any of them, not even as a parlor guest.

The last business on the block is Ambiance Improvement, a general contractor specializing in “commercial & residential renovations.” They’ve been in business for almost fifteen years & based on the portfolio on their website, they look like the real deal. Now all I need is to be able to afford a home for them to renovate. They’re located at the bottom of the row of brownstones, just before the last APARTMENT BUILDING on the block, another place I cannot afford. I bet Ozzy could afford. That fucker’s loaded.

Left-hand side:
Brooklyn Conservatory of Music, 58 7th Ave, 718-622-3300
Olive Vine Café, 56 7th Ave, 718-622-2626
Chiles & Chocolate Oaxacan Kitchen, 54 7th Ave, 718-230-7700
Mango, 52 7th Ave, 718-638-1655
APARTMENT BUILDING, 50 7th Ave
Memorial Presbyterian Church, 186 St John's Place, 718-638-5541

Right-hand side:
Ozzie's, 57 7th Ave, 718-398-6695
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 55-39 7th Ave
Ambiance Improvement, 39 7th Ave, 917-907-1100
APARTMENT BUILDING, 37 7th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – One Ozzie’s, One Community Music School, One Place With Chiles & Chocolates
Shames – No Steve Buscemi

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM LINCOLN PL TO ST JOHN’S PL

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com (NEW WEB ADDRESS! NEW SITE!).