BLOCK-OFF! 9th St [btwn 4th & 5th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 8th & 7th]

In last week’s Block-Off!, Evil kicked the crap out of Good and The Terrorists finally won. This week, as the drunkards of Park Slope get sloppy off of the vapors of St. Patty’s Day, I’m honoring my Irish-dominated Irish/Scottish/Belgian/German/French/Canadian ancestry with a full-scale donnybrook between two blocks that are home to old-timey Irish pubs. No I.R.A.-smuggled guns allowed!

This week, for the first time, we’re visiting a block off the Park Slope avenues, as 9th St between 4th Ave & 5th Ave goes up against 7th Ave between 8th & 7th Streets. As the two blocks don wardrobes ripe with leprechaun derbies & green sweaters & face-painted shamrocks, the pure good & positivity that’s synonymous with the Irish spirit will shine through…at least until the seventh round of Jameson shots. Then somebody will say the wrong thing & somebody will call the other one “wee” & it’ll be all “punch punch punch” & ripped green sweater humiliation until a final winner is decided. Let the liver-rotting, eye-swelling judging begin!

9th St from 4th Ave to 5th Ave:
This block starts on at 4th Ave with St. Thomas Aquinas Church, a large white building on the corner. Many Park Slopers know it as “that religious place I stand in front of to pick up the IKEA shuttle.”

There are TWO RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS between the church and the first business on the block, Joseph G. Duffy Funeral Home, which has been in existence since 1880. They’re now a part of Dignity Memorial, the largest network of funeral service providers, which makes me think of Six Feet Under and the pressures the Fisher family had to sell to a larger funeral provider. As a novice when it comes to the workings of the funeral services industry, I can’t tell if they’ve sold out to the man, but I sure hope not.

After a few more RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS, there’s Slope Music. Any place that teaches music is more than acceptable in my book. They’re coming up on thirty years in the neighborhood and I love the house it’s in—a light-blue French Second Empire building (think Addams Family with more color, mansards, etc).

The Van Brunt Station U.S. Post Office is next to Slope Music. My father was a loyal USPS employee for almost 40 years, but that won’t prevent me from saying that I’ve been to the Atlantic Center DMV & if I was to compare an experience at it to one at the Van Brunt Station Post Office, I’d use the words “rub-n-tug” to describe the DMV & the word “castration” to describe this post office.

Star Nail is next to the post office in a below-street level locale. Based on the name, I’m assuming you can get your nails all fabuloused up here, with stars & sparklies & shizz. Promtastic! The area upstairs from it used to be Digity Pix, but now it’s an EMPTY STOREFRONT. Digity Dawg.

Agneone Construction is after it. They’ve been in business since 2000, but their website is akin to something out of Tron. Maybe once Tron 2.0 finally comes out, these guys will enhance their website.

Next on the block is Aji Bar Lounge, a relatively new Peruvian joint. It looks like a pretty chill place & promises such on their website, but you have to ask yourself, “How chill can a place that serves beef heart kebabs really be?”

Then there’s McDonald's…oh, excuse me…McCafe…McCafe is the next business on the block. When I first moved to the neighborhood, this place was ragged & nasty, but then they redid it & hung up a disgusting amount of “McCafe” signs & flew a few “McCafe” flags from the roof & BAM! Instantly, I felt better about consuming 1000 calories of slaughterhouse-bred beef.

Fifth Ave Locksmith follows McDonalds. If you’re looking to settle the score with your asshole live-in boyfriend via a quick lock switcheroo, I bet they’d come in handy. If you’re looking to settle the score with your asshole live-in boyfriend via a quick quickie, please leave your email address in the comments section below.

With the last business on this side of the block, we come to Harry Bolands Pub, the block’s representative old-timey Irish pub. I don’t spend too much time here. It’s friendly enough but nothing spectacular. Still, I’d take it over an Irish pub anywhere in Manhattan any day of the week. You hear that Manhattan? Your Irish pubs suck. There’s a Chase Bank after it, but since the entrance is on 5th Ave, that evil has already been distributed to another block.

The right-hand side of this block starts with the goodness of the Family Reception Center (Good Shepherd Services) and a ROW OF RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS. Scattered at the bottom of these residences are three doctors—Kala Sury, M.D., Hugo Rosero, D.O., E.A.C.S., and Loren Harris, M.D., E.C.A.S. Since one of them has the same first name as M.I.A.’s album, another’s name is the same as a key character on LOST and the third has the same name as a dude I knew in college—bonus points.

The next business, Modern Dental PC, provides a buffer before the next ROW OF RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS. One of the things I find most difficult about New York is picking out a dentist, so in my book, a place with a tired name like this gets about much of my attention as anything out of the mouth of Rush Limbaugh. Take that, Rushie.

After the residential buildings, there are the dental offices of John Saladino, D.D.S, P.C. and Anthony Laduti, D.D.S. Mmm. Salad-ino.

NYCPet.com follows the dental offices. It’s one of their four Brooklyn locations. I don’t have any pets, but my roommate has a cat that is going to TOTALLY LOSE HER SHIT when I introduce her to “Catnip Mouse Toy Surprise Cage,” a playtime fun creation I’ve built entirely from products purchased here.

There’s a HUGE PARKING LOT next to the pet store and it’s followed by Pita Hut [PICTURED ABOVE], which has tasty falafel sandwiches & has been in the neighborhood since 1994. Their grape leaves rule, although, to be honest, I’ve never tasted a grape leave I didn’t like.

Whenever I’m reminded of how long this place has been around, I think back to 1994, a simpler time when I had just left New Hampshire for college & my taste buds still thought of a pita as a cool bread alternative for a ham & cheese sandwich.

The last business on the block is S & P News Stand. It’s a weird hybrid of a newsstand & a bodega, with one of those snatch-n-grab candy newsstand fronts on 5th Ave and a proper entrance on 9th St. Please keep in mind that the previous description does not give you permission to snatch-n-grab, no matter how fun it sounds. Please also keep in mind that the previous statement to this one doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it anyhow.

Left-hand side:
St Thomas Aquinas Church, 249 9th St, 718-768-9471
RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS, 251-253 9th St
Joseph G. Duffy Funeral Home, 255 9th St, 718-499-8700
RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS, 261-269 9th St
Slope Music, 271 9th Street, 718-768-3804
Van Brunt Station U.S. Post Office, 275 9th St, 718-768-1284
Star Nail, 285 9th St, 718-788-4358
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 285 9th St (Upstairs)
Agneone Construction, 287 9th St, 646-758-0578
Aji Bar Lounge, 287 9th St, 718-832-0085
McDonald's, 291 9th St, 718-832-8600
Fifth Ave Locksmith, 295 9th St, 718-768-8643
Harry Boland’s Pub, 297 9th St, 718-369-8269

Right-hand side:
RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS, 262-270 9th St
Kala Sury, M.D., 270 9th St
Hugo Rosero, D.O., E.C.A.S., 270 1/2 9th St, 718-499-6801
Loren Harris, M.D., E.C.A.S., 270 1/2 9th St, 718-499-6801
Modern Dental PC, 272 9th St, 718-832-3700
RESIDENTIAL BUILDINGS, 272-282 9th St
John Saladino, D.D.S., P.C., 284 9th St, 718-769-0923
Anthony Laduti, D.D.S., 284 9th St
NYCPet.com, 284A 9th St, 718-499-9565
HUGE PARKING LOT
Pita Hut, 310 9th St, 718-369-7300
S & P News Stand, 302 9th St, 718-369-1115

Scoring
Bonuses – One Music School in a Sweet Building, One Somewhat-friendly Irish Pub, One Row of Doctors With Cool Names, One Winning Pita Joint
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Government Clusterfuck, One Evil-But Tasty & Now Trendy Business

7th Avenue from 8th St to 7th St:
This block of 7th Ave starts on the left-hand side with Carriage House Sports Lounge, the block’s gruff old-timey Irish pub. On Sunday, when 7th Ave held their St Patty’s Day Parade, there were tons of green-clad people hanging around outside of here. I can only assume they were all Irish, which means that they were all drunk. That’s not the point though. The point is that 9th Street didn’t even bother having a parade.

The first non-Irish business on the block is Edward D. Fusco. I’m not sure what kind of attorney he is, but he’s an attorney, so you could probably look him up after you puke all over that cop’s shoes this Tuesday night.

Towne House Properties is the first of two realtors on the block. Their window display has all these cute mini model houses in it. I can’t afford any of their actual properties, but I am planning on inquiring about that charming two-floor model in the front window. My Boba Fett action figure needs more space. He & the wife are expecting. Twins!

I know we’re celebrating us Irishmen this week, but Tonio's, the restaurant next door has been around since 1992 and it’s one of those old-world Italian neighborhood places that you’d be a jerk to not support. On a related note, because you people let him down last year, owner Antonio Gaida won’t be participating in Dine in Brooklyn 2009.

Tax time is coming! Do you have enough assets that you require a tax preparer? If so, finish up your scallopine pronto and hurry next door to Joseph Colacino Tax Service. If not, be like me & do your taxes on the 14th over a few pints of Guinness while half-watching Letterman.

Then there’s Orrichio Anderson Realty, brokers who have been in the hood for over 20 years. A bunch of their properties are in the million-dollar range & I’m not even looking to buy, but I did drool over thoughts of the fantastic cocktail parties I could have in this place.

Peek-a-Boo Kids, the first breedtastic business on the block, is after Orrichio. I’m not a breeder (yet), but if I were, my breedling would definitely shop here. As it is, said future breedling will be automatically forbid from wearing Nikes, so it’s good to know that there’s a cute place in the neighborhood that, when it comes to breedling shoe selection, can help uphold my sparse & selective political leanings.

A Cohen’s Fashion Optical just opened next to Peek-a-Boo. To follow up on a point I hinted at last week, when did people with glasses become so unbelievably, jaw-droppingly sexy? I mean, up until recently, I thought there was a pretty solid hint of sexiness to glasses, mostly in females, but the current signage of eyeglass stores makes me hope for the rapid decline of my vision. I’m almost 35…it has to be coming soon, right?…um, not that I’m not already sexy or am in need of enhanced sexiness or anything like that.

There are NY Methodist Doctors’ Offices (associated with the hospital one block down) next to the sexy glasses store. After you stumble out of Carriage House, buy a Bud tall boy at the deli next to the doctors’ offices and crack it open on the streets all St. Patty’s-style, you can hide it from the cops in the planter outside of this place when they drive by.

The last business on this side is Deli Farm Park Slope. As to its name, three-quarters of the words in its name apply.

The right-hand side starts with 7th Avenue Jewelers & Time Pieces. I often stop at places like this and gaze at their glass cases, wondering how many months of my salary I’m going to have to dish out one day to make that whole marriage thing work. Then I go home & fantasize about Rose Byrne.

7th Ave Car Service tried to screw with me one time, so they’re dead to me.

After the ex-car service is The Avenue Deli. All told, it’s a pretty good bodega. Truth be told, the layout of the place, with the island right when you walk in & the counter all over there on the side & crap is a bit unsettling to me after a few pints, but so are a lot of things.

Upstairs is Alaskan Sun Tanning, one of five locations in Brooklyn. They’re currently offering one free week of tanning, which, in case you’re wondering, is not long enough to get skin cancer or become Vice President.

Since we’re deep in the middle of a heated competition here, Brooklyn Pita definitely loses to 9th Street’s Pita Hut. For starters, their name isn’t even clever or threatening to infringe on any trademarks. Plus, they don’t have a colorful painting on the side of their building. Pfft. They don’t even have a side of their building.

Even though they have a hilariously quaint name, Happy Fresh Tortillas Grill, next door to Brooklyn Pita, has yet to feel the effects of my mighty spending power. It reminds me of a slightly classy Chinese take-out joint, which basically means that if you’re looking for acceptable & cheap take-out, you probably can’t go wrong here.

Next to it is 7th Ave Spa Nail, which opened recently. I picked up one of their brochures the other day & whereas this won’t translate to action on my part, if you get there by the end of the month & grab a brochure off the door on your way in, you can hand it to them & get 20% off your visit. Since back waxing starts at $30, that means at least $6 in savings for you!

When I walked through the neighborhood the other night, their neighbor, Michael Hair Studio, was pretty empty looking. This could have had something to do with the expansive inside of the place, but it also could have had to do with the lack of customers. I’m not saying this one is the one that should go, but maybe there’s not a market for 70,000 hair salons in Park Slope?

After this, there’s an EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be No No Kitchen. No No no mo.

The next surviving business is Health Aid Pharmacy & Surgical Supplies. Back in New Hampshire, I knew this guy who used surgical supplies to make a skull-splitting eight-foot bong. I assume that this place would come in handy if you’d like to create your own version, both when it comes to building the bong & when it comes to dealing with the impending headache. I’m just sayin’ is all.

Purity Diner, a diner with a front of windows facing both 7th Ave & 7th St, closes out the block. It’s currently celebrating its 80th birthday, which is important because it means that they survived the Great Depression and if they can survive a depression, so can you. This one isn’t even that great. When’s the last time you stood in a bread line? Got excited about digging a trench? Had to move into a tent city? Hell, back during the Great Depression, they didn’t even have a president blessed with the power of magic pixie dust. Get over it, people.

Left-hand side:
Carriage House Sports Lounge, 312 7th Ave, 718-788-7747
Edward D. Fusco, 310 7th Ave, 718-788-3333
Towne House Properties, 308 7th Ave, 718-788-0090
Tonio's, 306 7th Ave, 718-965-4252
Joseph Colacino Tax Service, 304 7th Ave, 718-788-3308
Orrichio Anderson Realty, 302 7th Ave, 718-965-3600
Peek-a-Boo Kids, 300 7th Ave, 718-768-0010
Cohen’s Fashion Optical, 298 7th Ave, 718-768-3839
NY Methodist Doctors’ Offices, 296 7th Ave, 718-788-5050
Deli Farm Park Slope, 294 7th Ave, 718-768-8726

Right-hand side:
7th Avenue Jewelers & Time Pieces, 307 7th Ave, 718-788-3131
7th Ave Car Service, 307A 7th Ave, 718-965-1616
The Avenue Deli, 305 7th Ave, 718-832-0218
Alaskan Sun Tanning, 303 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-499-9191
Brooklyn Pita, 301 7th Ave, 718-832-7482
Happy Fresh Tortillas Grill, 299 7th Ave, 718-499-9811
7th Ave Spa Nail, 297 7th Ave, 718-369-8938
Michael Hair Studio, 295 7th Ave, 718-965-3774
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 293 7th Ave
Health Aid Pharmacy & Surgical Supplies, 291 7th Ave
Purity Diner, 289 7th Ave, 718-840-0881

Scoring
Bonuses – One Irish Pub With a Parade Out Front, One Old Italian Joint, One Future Breedling Shoe Store, One Depression-surviving Diner
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Ex-Car Service, One Losing Pita Joint

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM 8TH ST TO 7TH ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.blogspot.com.

Comments

[pita hut]

i'm pretty sure that place has only been there a couple of years. didn't it used to be an old doughnut shop?

[do poops]

I believe it says that pita hut has been "in the neighborhood" since 1994, not in that specific location. . whiney mcgilicutty.