BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 13th & 12th] vs. 5th Ave [btwn 7th & 6th]
parowpyro | Tuesday, March 24, 2009 at 2:48AM 
Do you have the March Madness? Do you know someone who does? If so, be calm. It is not fatal. In fact, to the contrary, you or that aforementioned someone is in for the treat of your life this week.
Last week, the Block-Off! honored the Irish with a drag-out, ass-to-the-pavement, tits-to-the-floor brouhaha, but this week, it’s all about everyone’s favorite gamblefest, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Holy Non-Virginity-Losing Sweet Sixteen, Batman!
This week, we’re hanging out on 5th Ave and checking out the blocks between 12th & 13th and 6th & 7th. As the two blocks hustle hustle hustle & make it rain & leave it all out on the court for their fans, they’ll endure hard fouls & ball-hog point guards & a heart-warmingly cliché series of trials on their way to crowning a final victor. By the end, one block will emerge victorious and Dick Vitale will declare everything within fifty miles “Awesome, baby!” Let the bracketed, point-shaving-filled judging begin!
5th Ave from 13th St to 12th St:
The block starts with a Capital One Bank, the bank made famous through their ad campaign that asks the question “What’s in your wallet?” If you ask me, it’s a prying, nosy-ass ad campaign, but the answer to their question is my license & ATM card, $6, a freaky-looking business card from some dude name “Greg Reitman” and a year-old, inherited drink ticket for Moe's.
Next to Capital One is Game Champ, one of a chain of video game stores that litters the Greater New York City area and fills the minds of men with video game enjoyment. Currently, the big thing here is Resident Evil 5, which means that in addition to enjoyment, the minds of men are currently being filled with thoughts of killing Africans. Who says colonialism is dead?
Lisa Lo Bue follows the champion of gaming. It’s a clean-looking salon that opened up back in December. Apparently the owner’s parents were also Park Slope salon owners, so there’s promising pedigree there.
Then there’s Petland Discount, one of a chain of pet stores throughout the tri-state region. I’ve always been leery of chain pet stores (puppy mills & whatnot), so right off the bat, I was skeptical of this place. Then I checked out the company info page on their website and based on the sweet photo on that page (the dude on the far left rules!) & the mentions of community outreach, I’ve decided to forgo my initial negative judgment.
Whenever I walk past the next business, Bobby Sportswear, I get a picture of a cliché, Chris Pennesque, chain-wearing guy in a track suit who everybody in the neighborhood knows. “Ay Bobby Sportswear! How bout them Giants?” “Eh, that Manning’s a stiff. I oughta go down to The Meadowlands myself and smack some sense into that kid, ya know?”
Royale is after Bobby Sportswear. At one point, Royale was my favorite bar in the neighborhood. A friend of mine used to host a night here, so I drank so many Sporting Lifes here that you’d think I was an actual athlete, but I’ve since moved on. After it is an EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be Brooklyn Properties before they moved to another location.
If you’re like me and enjoy watching teenage kids tae kwon do the hell out of each other, then the next business on the block, United Tae Kwon Do, is for you. It’s been many a night recently when I’ve walked past a crowd of people spilling out of this place onto the sidewalk as two kids battle it out via martial arts. Good times.
While you’re waiting for your daughter to tae kwon do the crap out of that runny-nosed kid from the neighborhood, you can stop next door at Edible Arrangements and pick up that fruit & chocolate arrangement you’ve been meaning to get for your sister ever since you slept with her husband back at the October cookout.
Frachezka Unisex Human Hair is next to Edible Arrangements. Speaking of arrangements, I think it would only make sense for this place & the unisex salon across the street to work something out, recycle hair & whatnot. After all, they’re both unisex.
This side of the block ends with Azena Jewelry. Must there be a jewelry store on every block in Park Slope? It’s like they’re conspiring against me to make me fully aware of the fact that I’m in my mid-30s and not married yet.
The right hand side of the block begins with the presumptuously named My Favorite Deli-Grocery. It’s not my favorite, but if it’s early enough in the evening, it’s on the stumble home from Commonwealth, so they do get some munchie love every now & again.
After the deli is Frank's Unisex Salon. The place claims to be unisex, but there’s a moustache-filled sign in the window that shows various “Men’s Clipper Cuts” and a gruff sort of atmosphere that leads me to believe that women might go elsewhere to get their hair done.
Jean Stop comes after Frank’s. The name’s a bit misleading, since they have a ton of sneakers (many of them evil Nikes) here.
Next is one of the many Mandee locations in New York. It’s a spacious store and the biggest one on the block, featuring a good mixture of clothes that can turn your teen into either an elegant lady or a trashy whore. The choice is yours!
The King's County Hospital Women's & Children's Center is upstairs from Mandee. If you are a man, don’t even think about stepping foot in this place. They can’t do nothing for ya man.
Following it is Dog’s Den Doggie Day Care. Places like this support the argument that having a dog is akin to having a kid with fur. A majority of the city dog owners I know are always “I can’t go to Vegas because I’d have to find somebody to watch lil Muggsy Manute.” Screw that…but if you must have a dog, that’s where the doggie day care comes in. They can be that person watching lil Muggsy for as little as $25 a day.
The next to last business on the block is Piramide, a relatively new Mexican place. There’s a sign in the window that promises “Mariachi Band This Friday,” so maybe I should check it out. I’m assuming they’d be a pleasant change from the dudes who occasionally turn my subway ride into an unwelcome fiesta.
My favorite bar in the neighborhood, Commonwealth, ends the block. Other than usual laid-back vibe here (packed Saturday nights aside), I’ve got two words to describe the goodness of this place—juke & box. I’m the kind of guy who thrives on being in complete control of the music wherever I am, so if you’ve even been in here & had to listen to Neutral Milk Hotel’s In The Aeroplane Over the Sea from start to finish, we’ve shared a drink.
Left-hand side:
Capital One Bank, 516 5th Ave, 718-768-8798
Game Champ, 514 5th Ave
Lisa Lo Bue, 512 5th Ave, 718-832-1414
Petland Discount, 510 5th Ave, 718-369-1736
Bobby Sportswear, 508 5th Ave, 718-832-3738
Royale, 506 5th Ave, 718-840-0089
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 504 5th Ave
United Tae Kwon Do, 502 5th Ave, 718-788-5700
Edible Arrangements, 500A 5th Ave, 718-832-0100
Frachezka Unisex Human Hair, 500 5th Ave, 718-768-9242
Azena Jewelry, 500 5th Ave, 718-788-4900
Right-hand side:
My Favorite Deli-Grocery, 513 5th Ave, 718-788-6155
Frank's Unisex Salon, 513 5th Ave, 718-788-9763
Jean Stop, 511 5th Ave, 718-499-0159
Mandee, 503 5th Ave (Downstairs), 718-768-2521
King's County Hosp Women's & Children's Center, 503 5th Ave (Upstairs)
Dog’s Den Doggie Day Care, 501 5th Ave, 718-499-3525
Pyramide, 499 5th Ave, 718-499-0002
Commonwealth, 497 5th Ave, 718-768-2040
Scoring
Bonuses – Two Pretty Sweet Bars, One Ass-kicking Establishment
Shames – One Nosy-Ass Bank, One Empty Storefront
5th Avenue from 7th St to 6th St:
This block starts on the left hand side with Salem Deli. It’s your average deli but with a twist—it’s slowly being taken over by vampires.
Next to it is another Uncle Louie G. I need to come up with a business model like the one they have—do a ton of business & make all your money during the warm months & then shut the place down for half the year.
Clinton Nail Salon is next on the block. Without bothering to do any research, I’m going to assume that this place is owned by former President Bill Clinton. Slick Willy likes the ladies to have pretty nails.
Dental Spa follows the salon. Their website asks “(a)re you looking for a dental miracle?” Yes, yes I am. I want to wake up one morning and have all my dental disasters stripped from my mouth…& I don’t want to pay more than $25.
Mezcal's mediocre Mexican meals make my _____ melt. If you can think of a good “m” word to put in that blank, write your suggestion in the comments section below, because this Block-Off! shizz is totally interactive! The best suggestion will receive a t-shirt with my face on it and/or a fresh-baked pie…anyway, they’re after the Dental Spa.
Then there’s Food Chow Kitchen, who offers Chinese food that’s slightly better than most of the places in the neighborhood. They could use some work on that name though…it’s so damn unwieldy.
Coco Roco, a Peruvian joint that’s now one of the longest-lasting restaurants in the hood, follows Food Chow. From what I hear, it's tasty...& totally coco roco loco!
What goes splendidly with Peruvian food? Gay men! Luckily, there are always a bunch right next door at Excelsior. It’s the neighborhood bar of choice for one of my good friends, so I’ve spent a few pleasant nights here and let me tell you, if I was gay, I could totally score here. Lots of dudes go crazy for my “he looks eighteen but he’s not eighteen” look.
It’s followed by Kappa Sake House, which I’ve totally avoided because of its name, which makes me think of it as some bastard child of a fraternity house and a sushi restaurant. “Bra! We all went over to the Kappa House last night and got soooo bombed on sake!” “No way dude! That’s totally rad & cultural of you!” “Totally.”
Thai Sky is the last business on this side of the block. Like I’ve said before, there are seven thousand Thai restaurants in Park Slope. As such, unless it’s the closest one to my apartment, a Thai restaurant in this hood has to do something to stand out. To me, Thai Sky is just another in the ether.
The right side of the street begins with Dun-Rite Cleaners. They promise that “their only job is to make you look great.” Given some of the people I’ve seen around Park Slope, that is not an easy job. Anyway, if you want shit dun rite but spelled wrong, go here.
Upstairs from the cleaners is a psychic named Marie. For $5, she’ll get all psychic on yo ass. That’s not too bad of a deal, but I’ll do it for free. In your future, I see love & happiness & tacos...lots of tacos. I also see regret & a string of trips to the can.
After the doorway leading up to the psychic, there’s a religious store, Botanica San Miguel y Anaisa. Here, you can get your bibles & crosses & a collection of things that would probably make me burst into flames upon contact.
Then there’s the Infiniti Plus Sprint Store. Thank god & his twelve merry apostles for this place. We don’t have enough cell phone stores in this city.
Infiniti is followed by Steve Belsito Sons, a family-owned plumbing business that has been around since 1925. Did they even have plumbing back then? I just assumed that up until the end of WWII, everybody pooped in a bucket, didn’t shower & got their water from one of those cool pump things. Guess not.
Next is The Slope Barber Shop. A Korean friend of mine visited the neighborhood a little ways back and joked, upon seeing this place, “Aw shit! That’s perfect! Now I know where to go to get my hair done!”
This is where the block gets super awesome. First there’s an Obama-loving CONDEMNED BUILDING [PICTURED ABOVE], followed by the American Legion Post 1833. If you’ve been thinking to yourself, “I really need to hang around with old men more,” then just pull up a folding chair in front of this place, brother. They’ve got all day.
Just past the American Legion is the place that I like to refer to as the Random Crap Store. Are you in the market for a single speaker or a baby carriage or some kitchen cabinets that are just sitting there on the sidewalk guarded by nothing but a hand-written price tag? If so, all you have to do is ring the bell & ask somebody to come outside & help make your dreams come true.
After all the super awesomeness is ChipShop, which has a little bit of awesomeness & a little bit of artery-clogging battered goodness. As a snack food aficionado, I’m a big fan of fried chocolate & ChipShop delivers that in spades. I’ve yet to sample it, but I need to try their deep fried pizza ASAP. That shit sounds amazing.
The block ends with Corner Burger. Full disclosure: I haven’t eaten here yet and until I do, there’s no other way for me to be entirely sure of what they serve.
Left-hand side:
Salem Deli, 402 5th Ave, 718-788-3207
Uncle Louie G, 402 5th Ave
Clinton Nail Salon, 400 5th Ave, 718-369-3103
Dental Spa, 398 5th Ave, 718-965-6298
Mezcal's, 396 5th Ave, 718-965-6050
Food Chow Kitchen, 394 5th Ave, 718-768-7310
Coco Roco, 392 5th Ave, 718-965-3376
Excelsior, 390 5th Ave, 718-832-1599
Kappa Sake House, 388 5th Ave, 718-832-2970
Thai Sky, 386 5th Ave, 718-788-7889
Right-hand side:
Dun-Rite Cleaners, 401 5th Ave, 718-499-0644
Marie (Psychic), 401 5th Ave (Upstairs)
Botanica San Miguel y Anaisa, 399 5th Ave, 718-369-6051
Infiniti Plus Sprint Store, 397 5th Ave, 718-499-1800
Steve Belsito Sons, 395 5th Ave, 718-768-5246
The Slope Barber Shop, 393 5th Ave, 718-840-2616
CONDEMNED BUILDING, 391 5th Ave
American Legion Post 1833, 389 5th Ave
Random Crap Store, 387 5th Ave
ChipShop, 383 5th Ave, 718-832-7701
Corner Burger, 381 5th Ave, 718-360-4622
Scoring
Bonuses – One Insane Random Crap Store, One Non-threatening Gay Bar, One Fried Candy Joint
Shames – One Condemned Building, One Uncle Louie G, One Mediocre Mexican Restaurant
BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVE FROM 13TH ST TO 12TH ST
Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.blogspot.com.
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Reader Comments (5)
What's the deal with the Random Crap Store? They sell grungy, dirty, used items at prices above what a new item would cost! Somebody needs to help them with their business model...
Commonwealth jukebox = *love*
i'm so sad my block didn't win, and i totally disagree.
#1 its not called kappa sake house...the name is sakura.
#2 the "random crap store" is an old crazy man selling garbage people leave out for the trash man. in my view, that bonus alone is enough to win the block off, not to mention the obama graffitti that appeared Nov 4th.
#3 Uncle Louie G's is awesome! Best thing about that bodega (that ULG is in) is they know everyone's orders by heart whether it be a sandwich or cigarettes.
Piramide is actually way nicer, tastier, and unfortunately more expensive than you'd expect. It's worth a shot. Eat in, don't take out. (Grew up in AZ and have been looking for good Mexican food here for two years ... Piramide is getting close.)
dear claire,
1. the website says kappa sake house. the chalkboard a-frame outside the restaurant says kappa sake house. the menus & promotional flyer taped up in the window of said restaurant say kappa sake house. i'm calling it kappa sake house, bra.
2. i must admit i did struggle with declaring a winner this week. that stretch of insanity between chip shop & the slope barber shop almost took it for the block. in the end though, if there's one thing i like to do, it's drink & if there are two places that i've done a majority of my drinking in over the last five+ years, they are commonwealth & royale, so i suppose i'm biased, but that's the blogosphere for ya.
with that said, i do like your moxie.
love,
shawn.