BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn 2nd & 1st] vs. 5th Ave [btwn 1st & Garfield]

OMG!!! Have you guys heard about the best band on the planet? No, I’m not talking about Nickelback, although those Canucks know how to bring the generic rock with the best of them. It’s not Buckcherry either. OOH OOH!!! I’ll give you some hints…French band…named after a city in the last state to make MLK Day a holiday…burning bird…they were on SNL this past weekend…OMG!!! YOU KNOW IT!!! PHOENIX RULLZZ RIGHT!!! [ed note: hells to the motherfuckin YEAH.  I. AM. OBSESSED]

We paid tribute to one of rock’s aging legends with some hardcore Ozzy on Ozzy action last week, but this week, we’re going to skew a bit younger & help fuel a spiraling Phoenix obsession with a Block-Off! imbued with their Versailles spirit. Since the members of Phoenix would obviously hang out on 5th Ave, we’re keeping the competition there, focusing on the blocks between 2nd & 1st and 1st & Garfield.

2nd & 1st will be represented by the theme music of Phoenix’s 2006 album, It’s Never Been Like That, while 1st & Garfield will be themed by the band’s upcoming album, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, which I, through my utter awesomeness, have had the pleasure of hearing. By the time we’re done with our “Lisztomania,” one side will “Rally” and prove that they’re “Second to None,” an “Armistice” will be signed like it’s “1901” and if we’re feeling charitable, we’ll give out “Consolation Prizes” to the losing block. Let the indieelectropoptasmic judging begin!

5th Ave from 2nd St to 1st St:
Loki Lounge starts off the left-hand side of our first block. I’m a fan of Loki, which has been a mainstay neighborhood bar for almost ten years now. I enjoy it particularly for that back area, where you can hang out & feel like a VIP & whatnot, but you’re really not a VIP, unless you are a member of Phoenix. If any member of Phoenix is reading this week, remember to hang out in the back area of Loki when you go there. It’s where you belong. Don’t screw around with that front bar area shizz.

There’s an APARTMENT BUILDING between Loki and the next business, the Stained Glass Store. Do you own a church or a funeral parlor or get off on rays of light like Madonna does? If so, this is the perfect store for you. If you have a hammer-chucking habit, stay far, far away.

If you’re into Japanese Hibachi style cooking, then you best get your ass next door to Ginza, because the word “hibachi” is totally part of its signage. I haven’t been to a hibachi style place since my childhood, but if I remember correctly, it involves chefs coming to your table & juggling knives, fish & fire.

This side of the block fizzles out after Ginza, with an EMPTY STOREFRONT and APARTMENT BUILDINGS finishing up this side of the street.

On the other side, we start with Song. You know what my favorite Phoenix song is? It’s the one where they’re all “It’s never been like that. It’s never been like that. It’s never been like that. It’s never been like that.”...& they keep saying it over & over again & eventually, you can’t really tell what’s being said. That song makes me smile. In conclusion, Song is a Thai restaurant in Park Slope.

Next to it is Sunstar Realty, whose name makes me think of buttholes…or is that “starfish?” Either way…buttholes.

El Pollo, a Peruvian joint, follows Sunstar. They have a nice, simple space & menu, but I have to call them out on the name. Would you go to a steakhouse called “The Cow?” Actually, never mind. Now that I see it all typed out like that, I’d actually consider making a place with a name like that my second home.

After El Pollo, there’s one of those mysterious “coming soon” businesses, one whose identity has likely been revealed somewhere in some Brooklyn blog—maybe even in this one. Unfortunately, my blog reading intern quit after an messy incident involving a protein shake, so I’m a bit behind on my reading & to me, the business is only known as “SVP.” It might be a wine shop & it might be a bistro, but for now, it’s the place offering the first 2,000 customers a chance to win a trip to Italy, California or France. In my mind, it’s essentially, the Senior Vice President of flyaway contests.

JPAN Sushi follows the mystery store. Even if I did hate this place, I couldn’t say a damn thing or I’d probably lose my lucrative weekly rant gig. FIPS has made their stance on JPAN clear & they do not tolerate dissention.

JPAN borders on Active Transport Systems, whose sign bears the slogan “your neighborhood postage & delivery center.” Maybe I need to wake up before daylight or play hooky from work more, but I’ve never seen this place open. Is it basically filling the gap that Fed Ex has failed to muscle its way into?

Next door to it is a storefront/studio for Jonathan Blum, who’s a portrait painter. His portraits have a crude colorfulness to them and the sign in the window has a crude style to it—“studio is open by appointment & by luck.”

After an APARTMENT BUILDING, the block ends with Aperitivo, whose website makes my eyes wish for repeated, rusty stabbings. Seriously, if you are a Park Slope web designer and frequent this place for their Italian delights, you might want to inquire about forming a pasta-filled business partnership with them.

Left-hand side:
Loki Lounge, 304 5th Ave, 718-965-9600
APARTMENT BUILDING, 302 5th Ave
Stained Glass Store, 302 5th Ave, 718-768-7964
Ginza, 296 5th Ave, 718-369-1021
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 294 5th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 290 5th Ave
APARTMENT BUILDING, 286 5th Ave

Right-hand side:
APARTMENT BUILDING, 297 5th Ave
Song, 295 5th Ave, 718-965-1108
Sunstar Realty, 293 5th Ave, 718-788-6500
El Pollo, 291 5th Ave, 718-369-3455
SVP, 289 5th Ave
JPAN Sushi, 287 5th Ave, 718-788-2880
Active Transport Systems, 285 5th Ave, 718-965-1300
Jonathan Blum Storefront/Studio Space, 285 5th Ave, 718-499-0199
APARTMENT BUILDING, 281 5th Ave
Aperitivo, 279 5th Ave, 718-369-1123

Scoring
Bonuses – One Neighborhood Bar, One Peer-Pressured Awesome Japanese Place
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Business With a Stabworthy Website

5th Avenue from 1st St to Garfield Pl:
Come to think of it, unless Phoenix actually want the VIP treatment, they should just go to Great Lakes, the first business on this block, because it rules. I’ve spent a lot of nights here, including my second New Year’s Eve in New York, a night I spent with the only man who I’ve been best man for & his wife. We drank Guinness & ate chocolate cake & were happy (and also slightly hung over from the previous three nights) as we listened to indie rock & rang in the New Year. Memory = Fond. As far as jukeboxes go, I put Great Lakes’ right behind Commonwealth for best in the hood.

The two businesses following Great Lakes are Blue Ribbon and Blue Ribbon Sushi. If you’re like me, the words “Blue Ribbon” are usually shortened to “BR” and paired with a “P.” I’m a cheap bastard sometimes, so I’ve yet to try either of these places, but the food sounds friggin phenomenal. I hear they have skate there and I love skate, yo. It’s like a fish but it’s not a fish. That shit’s crazy.

Bonnie's Grill is after the two Blue Ribbon restaurants. Bonnie’s layout is notable for its long counter running down much of the place. They have a relatively good selection of beers & you could probably bring your kids here & get them drunk on the sly if you wanted to & were extra sneaky. Please note that FIPS does not condone giving beer to bebes.

3 R Living, just after Bonnie’s Grill, is an eco-friendly business, offering all types of green products, which, given the current climate in the U.S., gives the term “green” multiple meanings. Luckily, it seems like more people are starting to go “oh, wait a minute. I get it. We’re fucking shit up with our balls-to-the-wall patterns of consumption. Sorry. We were too busy trying to glean advice from Simon Cowell.” Anyway, 3R Living is probably in the perfect business right now & they look so damn adorable it makes me want to puke, so buy their stuff.

Then there’s Donawald Realty/Tax Services. According to signs at the mysterious SVP business, Donawald hooked them up with their space. They also have a rather spacious EMPTY STOREFRONT for rent right next door. Get this…they can also do tax junk for you. I’m just saying…that crap goes down next week, son.

Following the empty storefront, there’s Lucia. “Gee that necklace looks nice on you.” “Wow, those shoes make your feet look tiny.” “Ooh, that dress is on sale.” “Yes. You have great taste in companions.” These are all things I would say to woo you if we were shopping here together this summer, dear sexy reader.

Shawn don’t dance & as of this week, Shawn don’t wear hosiery. Since you’re not me, you might own a Russian ballerina who does both these things. If so, take her to LaRosa. It’s right there,

This side of the block ends with 5th Ave Gourmet Delight, which is basically the same damn thing as 5th Ave Natural Grocery, located just a block north. At times, walking past the two in succession is like something out of the Flintstones.  They both have green awnings & good beers & hippie snacks.

The right-hand side of the block starts with TD Bank, which, with its adjoining parking lot, takes up most of this side of the block. Until recently, this was a Commerce Bank, but then one day, all ninja-style (sort of like this?), all the Commerce Banks vanished and TD Banks were left in their place. Up until this time, my experience with TD Bank was when they came in years back & bought the naming rights to the new Boston Garden and as a Celtics fan, I was all “Who the fuck are these guys? We don’t even have any of those banks here.” From that point on, they were branded with douchebaggery in my mind.

After the parking lot is La Villa, an Italian place with wood-fired pizza. It’s yummy & basically, if you have one bad thing to say about wood-fired pizza, you are a Communist who probably thinks Bertucci’s is gourmet pizza.

The block ends with A.O.C. Bistro, a French restaurant on the corner with a glassy, open front. If I remember correctly, the initials stand for “Age of Conan” and more specifically, the Hyborean Adventures. You know what I’m talking about…right, lead singer of Phoenix Thomas Mars? You and Sofia play that all the time, right? Brutal world of King Conan?

Left-hand side:
Great Lakes, 284 5th Ave, 718-499-3710
Blue Ribbon, 280 5th Ave, 718-840-0404
Blue Ribbon Sushi, 278 5th Ave, 718-840-0408
Bonnie's Grill, 278 5th Ave, 718-369-9527
3 R Living, 276 5th Ave, 718-832-0951
Donawald Realty/Tax Services, 276 5th Ave, 718-965-9400
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 274 5th Ave
Lucia, 272 5th Ave, 718-788-7500
LaRosa, 272 5th Ave, 718-499-6721
5th Ave Gourmet Delight, 270 5th Ave, 718-768-9258

Right-hand side:
TD Bank, 269 5th Ave, 888-751-9000
La Villa, 261 5th Ave, 718-499-9888
A.O.C. Bistro, 259 5th Ave, 718-788-1515

Scoring
Bonuses – One Radical Bar, One Fancy Pair of Restaurants, One Green Business
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Ninja Bank

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
5TH AVE FROM 1ST ST TO GARFIELD PL

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.