BLOCK-OFF! 7th Ave [btwn 11th & 10th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 10th & 9th]
parowpyro | Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 8:39AM 
We took our first trip down to 4th Ave and celebrated reading through ranting in last week’s Block-Off! As the Block-Off! enters its seventh week, I’ve decided to introduce a sense of morals to the column, with an all-American struggle between two film stars representing the forces of good and evil. Tuesday the 10th marks the 52nd birthday of everyone’s #1 cave-dwelling, video-tape making representative of evil, Osama bin Laden. It also marks the 69th birthday of your favorite Republican, ass-kicking Oklahoman symbol of good, Chuck Norris (aka “the guy whose tears can cure cancer”).
In this week’s Block-Off!, 7th Ave between 11th & 10th Streets will be representing Osama bin Laden and the area of 7th Ave between 10th & 9th Streets will be representing Mr. Chuck Norris. As the two blocks embrace their personas and battle for the cause of freedom, likely via low-budget, direct-to-video films & a series of roundhouses & fatwa, the true nature of both good & evil will surface and a final, freedom-hating or -loving winner will be declared. Let the political-symbol based judging begin!
7th Avenue from 11th St to 10th St:
The Osama block begins with a bodega, Village Market. I checked and Osama is not hiding in there underneath the avocados. He is also not hiding behind the 20 oz Mountain Dews. You know how I know? Because when I went there the other night, they had no friggin 20 oz Mountain Dews. Utter & complete blasphemy!
He is not hiding in the Park Slope Fitness Collective either. It is becoming abundantly clear to me that there are way too many fitness places in Park Slope. Seriously, bitchez of Park Slope! What is your big hang-up with needing to be in such good shape? Is it to attract a mate? Keep a mate? Whatever happened to loving someone for his or her personality or money? You people had better be working out for health reasons.
After that is Ansonia Optical, the first of two Ansonia-named businesses on the block. The front window features photos of people wearing really fashionable glasses but displays them in a way that makes you think that you’re looking at portraits of your hot family members scattered amongst your grandma’s knick-knacks. If you’re entire family is ugly or your grandma hated knick-knacks, this might not be the right place for you.
Sport Prospect is after Ansonia. Currently, they’re having a sale on baseball gloves, which means that if the only thing holding you back from winning the Yankees’ third base job is the lack of a glove, your time is now.
Next to Sport Prospect is 4Play Brooklyn, a women’s clothing store. You might describe the clothes in here as “fun.” You might also describe the clothes here as “pseudo-slutty” or “teen-revealing.”
Then there’s Ansonia Chemist, the second Ansonia-named business on the block and a neighborhood pharmacy that has been there for years. Full disclosure—I’m a slave to Rite Aid and being from New England originally, was a former slave to CVS. Knowing that there are places like this that I can go to at any time hasn’t done much to change that, but maybe you have more of a conscience than I.
Romy's Nails is the next business and the only nail salon in this week’s Block-Off! I’m still not in the market to get my nails done, but if I did, I’d probably go here for one reason…Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion! Best movie ever! Romy’s nails were pretty hot in that movie & she did help invent Post-Its, so that’s pretty cool too.
Next is OTTO, a cute & spacious women’s boutique that I assume is named after that dog in Beetle Bailey. They’ve been in their current spot for about two years and in Park Slope for around twenty, which is longer than any of us fake FIPers, with our lame marketing jobs can claim.
The next door, Sterling Place, is full of cool items they describe as “artful objects for graceful living.” FYI, that phrase is totally trademarked, so don’t even think about using it to promote your Faberge egg business. They also have a location on Atlantic Ave, but who wants to go to Boerum Hill?
The last business on this side of the street is the newly opened Hancos, with its Vietnamese sandwiches & bubble tea. Since I’m obviously not as cool as the rest of the FIPS folks, I haven’t patronized Hancos yet, but when I do, I’ll make sure to set aside a good hour for waiting for my food and/or bubble tea-slurping.
The other side of the block begins with an EMPTY STOREFRONT. It’s been that way for a while now, so here’s my suggestion for filling the space—porno shop. I know I’ve suggested this before, but I realize where I went wrong in my initial suggestion—we should allow crotchless panties to be sold there. The summer’s coming up after all and if the crazy winter temperatures are any indication, we’re in for some disgustingly sweaty summer days. I assume crotchless panties would come in handy in such a climate.
Animal Kind is the first business on this side of the block. If I were a loyal, fun-loving canine or a needy-ass feline, I’d probably be pretty psyched about coming here. The animal hospital's been in the neighborhood for over a decade now and the place is really clean looking…like, if I was a cat & my owner brought me in the front door, I’d almost be all “Ooh! Are you going to get a salon-style haircut?” to him, because the front area has that relaxing blonde-wood salon-style feel.
In the tasty homemade pasta department, the next business, Russo’s Mozzarella & Pasta, takes the cake, which in this case, is probably tiramisu.
Then there’s Kiku Japanese Restaurant. Pricewise, it’s comparable to most Park Slope sushi joints, but tastewise, I remember nothing of my multiple meals here.
After that is Pizza Plus. They have a bunch of fancy pizzas on the menu, like a soy cheese pizza & a whole-wheat pizza and a cute little awning & sign. Compared to half the pizza joints in the Slope, this place is Heaven.
Back to the topic of Mountain Dew…I still haven’t made it to the dentist. Maybe the next business, Park Slope Dentistry, will be the lucky dentist’s office that gets my train wreck of a mouth.
The other night, after I was initially denied that 20 oz bottle Mountain Dew at Village Market, I went over to Pepper Mill Deli & Grocery to get one there. Call me a whiney lil bitch, but they didn’t have a 20 oz bottle there either. Why doesn’t this block do the Dew?
Sommers Real Estate is next to Pepper Mill. There were a few listings in the window that I can almost afford, which gave me a fleeting, false sense of pride for about thirty seconds.
The block ends with two restaurants. The first, Bombay Grill, serves Indian food that is way less flashier than you might expect, given the overwhelming success of the loveable Slumdog Millionaire. OMG!!! Did you hear that Slumdog Millionaire is dating the hottest hottie in Hollywood? And that Slumdog Millionaire understands quantum physics & the tax code? OMG!!! Slumdog Millionaire will save us all!
If you aren’t in the mood for Indian food, there are always the Chinese stylings of Red Hot II, the last business on the block. A few weeks back, Red Hot II defeated Hunan Delight in our General Tso’s Deathmatch, despite the fact that their dumplings look like monkey brains. Personally, I have no problem with monkey brains, as long as I don’t have to eat them in the skull-smashing traditional way.
Left-hand side:
Village Market, 368 7th Ave, 718-832-6916
Park Slope Fitness Collective, 366 7th Ave, 718-499-1849
Ansonia Optical, 364 7th Ave, 718-832-5889
Sport Prospect, 362 7th Ave, 718-768-1328
4Play Brooklyn, 360 7th Ave, 718-369-4086
Ansonia Chemist, 358 7th Ave, 718-965-0565
Romy's Nails, 356 7th Ave, 718-369-1334
OTTO, 354 7th Ave, 718-788-6627
Sterling Place, 354 7th Ave, 718 499 4800
Hancos, 350 7th Ave, 718-499-8081
Right-hand side:
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 367 7th Ave
Animal Kind, 365 7th Ave, 718-832-3899
Russo’s Mozzarella & Pasta, 363 7th Ave, 718-369-2874
Kiku, 361 7th Ave, 718-499-2288
Pizza Plus, 359 7th Ave, 718-768-5327
Park Slope Dentistry, 357 7th Ave, 718-768-1111
Pepper Mill Deli & Grocery, 355 7th Ave, 718-832-5932
Sommers Real Estate, 353 7th Ave, 718-965-1155
Bombay Grill, 351 7th Ave, 718-768-7777
Red Hot II, 349 7th Ave, 718-369-0700
Scoring
Bonuses – 100% Local Businesses, One Nice-looking Animal Hospital, Five Acceptable Restaurants, One Fresh Pasta Spot
Shames – One Empty Storefront, Two Bodegas Without 20 oz Bottles of Mt Dew
7th Avenue from 10th St to 9th St:
There’s a RESIDENTIAL BUILDING at the beginning of the Chuck Norris block…totally ninja-free.
The first business on Chuck’s block is Pay-O-Matic Check Cashing. The interior is a strange mix of wood & bulletproof glass. You probably shouldn’t try to write any checks that your butt can’t cash here.
Beet is after the Pay-O-Matic. It’s a Thai place that opened up in the neighborhood a few years back. I went there soon after it opened & remember it being pretty good & I guess I must have filled out a comment card or something because soon after, they sent me a letter urging me to come back some time. That time has yet to come. Sorry Beet. Too much Thai, too little time.
Then there’s an office space shared by Slope Realty & The Law Offices of Ilan Goldstein. It’s actually pretty convenient. Once you can’t hold up your end of the bargain you made with Slope Realty, you can stop into Ilan Goldstein’s office and have him help you with your bankruptcy proceedings.
The only laundromat on the block, Spotless Cleaners, is next on the block. There are tons of Spotless Cleaners in the greater New York area. As to their sign & logo…the “spot” in of the word “spotless” is shaped like a spotted dog, likely named “Spot.” Using my knowledge of semi-rebuses, I interpret this to mean “this establishment is less this dog,” so you will (sadly, I might add) not find this loveable cartoon pup cavorting around their establishment.
The block ends with Flipsters [PICTURED ABOVE] and their tasty burgers and whatnot. The website provides an origin of the name—“Brooklyn Hipsters who flip burgers.” Aw. Isn’t that depressingly cute? There’s a super-patriotic cow statue standing guard outside. He’s all “Chuck Norris demands that all his beef is painted like the American flag prior to consumption!” Studio 97 Salon is above it, but it wraps around the building & has an entrance on 9th St, so they don’t count…for now.
The other side of the block begins with Scalino, a snug neighborhood Italian restaurant on the corner. It’s BYOB, so you can afford to get totally wasted while you dine on pasta. I hear a PBR goes lovely paired with the ravioli.
After a RESIDENTIAL BUILDING, there’s Uncle Moe's, a place that has pretty-yummy Tex-Mexlike food. As an avid watcher of The Simpsons and avid rememberer of episode 3F02 (Bart Sells His Soul), I can advise against getting the “guilt-free steakfish fillets.” That’s just their name for “bottom-feeding suction eel.”
If you’d like to call somebody that cares and designate them as a member of your Fave Five whilst doing so, E.O. Wireless is next door. They also provide service for Sprint & all those other crappy cell-phone providers.
Next up is Edward Jones Investment. Investing…does anybody still do that?
If you still actually have money and would like to get it out of an ATM owned by the devil, look no further than the Bank of America ATM next door to Edward Jones Investment.
T & S Convenience is next to the 7th Ave F Train entrance. It’s a tiny place with a cat hanging out inside. I didn’t try to get a 20 oz bottle of Mountain Dew here because I had visions of me opening the door and the cat bolting down into the subway, hopping the turnstiles and riding the rails to Flushing.
This block ends with Betancourt & Associates, whose properties are extremely nice-looking and made for folks with salaries worth twenty times what I currently make. It is my eventual hope that, through this column, I will quickly become a super-celebrity, with riches & bling & bitchez & Bacardi. That’s when I make my move into one of these places…and get my spot on MTV Cribs.
Left-hand side:
RESIDENTIAL BUILDING, 348 7th Ave
Pay-O-Matic Check Cashing, 346 7th Ave
Beet, 344 7th Ave, 718-832-2338
Slope Realty, 342 7th Ave, 718-788-7391
The Law Offices of Ilan Goldstein, 342 7th Ave, 718-788-2800
Spotless Cleaners, 340 7th Ave, 718-832-8400
Flipsters, 336 7th Ave, 718-832-5500
Right-hand side:
Scalino, 347 7th Ave, 718-840-5738
RESIDENTIAL BUILDING, 345 7th Ave
Uncle Moe's, 341 7th Ave, 718-965-0006
E.O. Wireless, 339A 7th Ave (Downstairs), 718-369-0772
Edward Jones Investment, 339A 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-499-9731
Bank of America, 337 7th Ave
T & S Convenience, 335 7th Ave
Betancourt & Associates, 335 7th Ave, 718-369-7900
Scoring
Bonuses – One Patriotic Bovine, One-Simpsonesque Business, One Tasty Thai Place, One BYOB Italian Place
Shames – One Evil Business, Four Businesses I Have No Need For
BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVENUE FROM 11TH ST TO 10TH ST
Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.blogspot.com.
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Reader Comments (3)
Love your blog, but just wanted to let you know Scalinos unfortunately isn't BYOB anymore!
oh no! i guess that mean you have to get drunk before going.
I live off 9th Street and 7th Ave. I have to totally agree with your assessment of 9th-10th but I think Flipsters should lose points for a shite punny name. Hanco's makes a very good classic bahn mi and I only waited 10 minutes; which is a good 6 minutes longer than it should take.
10th-11th for the Win...especially for Russo's which has great fior de latte mozzerella!