FIPS Parenting Tip #2: Always Check Your Kid's Homework

Some 4th grade class was supposedly making pictures of what they wanted to be when they grew up.

The teacher saw this picture and freaked- but here's how the mom responded:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Chase

Pretty funny, but it's obviously fake:

1. The printing on the drawing looks too neat.
2. No fourth-grader in the United States would publicly use the word Mommy for fear of a classmate beatdown
3. Mrs. Jones? Nga Plz.

Meh, I'll give 'em the benefit of the doubt - maybe it's a re-enactment. In any case, check your kid's damn homework.

Beet Needs to Hire One More Fucking Person.

Beet thai kicks ass, and they've got a 100% secure spot in our family's order-in rotation. That being said, every time I call them at delivery rush hour it ends up sounding like a Wall Street margin call.

HelloBeetThaiKaiHelpYouCANYOUHOLD!

The woman who picks up the phone literally sounds like what I'd imagine a stock broker would sound like these days. (I wouldn't know because they've already taken all my money so I don't get to talk to them anymore.)

OkFreshSaladRollANDTHEN????
OkANDTHEN??????
AND THEN?????

Calm the fuck down lady, YOU'RE MAKING ME FORGET MY WIFE'S NOODLE.

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Target @Atlantic Center Mall: The Seventh Level of Hell

This is a photo taken at the Atlantic Center Mall Target. Brownstoner wonders if this is a sign that there actually isn't a recession after all?

Those of us who regularly visit this particular Tarjay outpost know that these empty shelves have NOTHING to do with xmas, the recesssion, or anything else other than:

*This is, hands down, the most poorly run retail outpost of any store, a-n-y-w-h-e-r-e.
*Whomever is responsible for stocking their shelves does an earth-shatteringly horrendous job (ALWAYS).
*The employees of this particular store are all: clueless, wildly unmotivated, and generally pissed off at you for daring to enter their space and bug them whilst they fool around, steal shit and ignore people.
*If you haven't ever been there, you should never go there. EVER.

That's all.

(via Brownstoner).

New Year's Eve Idea: Fuck the Economy, And Party Like You're Diddy Circa 2006

(ed note: Remember when pics like the one above were not considered wildly inappropriate?)

So, just to recap:
*Over the last 6+ months, my 401k has gone from looking like this to looking like this.
*Everyone is in agreement over the fact that we are in the midst of a global financial crisis the likes of which we haven't seen in a LONG time.
*For the first night of Chanukah tonight, I got exactly nothing

And maybe that's why Brooklyn Paper's New Year's Eve: The Last Great Splurge Feature, kinda makes me want to punch someone right in their fucking face.

Having not attended the editorial meeting that took place when this story was pitched, perhaps I'm missing some sort of important nugget of information that can help me understand why in the fuck this story isn't totally ridiculous and/or wildly inappropriate at this moment in time.

I mean, I guess everyone is busy doing budget New Year's Eve bash stories and "how can we give back?" stories and Brooklyn Paper just wanted to buck the trend? Could that be it? Cause really I'm getting angrier by the second.

Here's why: I fucking love caviar, and smoked salmon and pricey chocolate and champagne...and I haven't eaten any of it in a long time. And certainly can't afford any of it for a "last splurge" NYE party. And I don't really know anyone else who can at the moment (otherwise I would have already invited myself over).

So, many thanks Brooklyn Paper...for reminding me just how shitty things really are right now. Happy fucking New Year's to you too.

Awesome Money Saving Idea: Can Your Nanny!

So you can have more cash 4 botox-ing (obvs)!

"Suzanne Sirof, the wife of a prominent litigation attorney in LA who says she fired her impoverished El Salvadoran nanny so she could keep up with her beauty regimen. 'Nothing deters me from my Botox treatments,' she says."

Awww...MILFS 4 evs.

(WSJ via City File)