[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 5: Calendar Girls

Ok, look: I am an EXPERT on shitty reality TV shows. Jersey Shore, check. Every season of every Real Housewives, yep. Mob Wives, Bachelor Pad, Big Brother, Toddlers & Tiaras, check, check, check baby check.

Here's the thing that I just can't get over about this show: shit goes down and it's never referred to, dealt with, or explained again. The cornerstone of any good reality TV show is the extended mix replay of exactly what went down the week before. Editors spend more time on this recap shit than they do on the actual editing of the show! You relive every horrible ridiculous fight, crying episode and uncomfortable moment in the first few minutes of the show, and then you move on from there. It's standard operating procedure.

On Ruissian Dolls, each show is its own contained unit. You almost don't need to have seen ANY of the other shows in order to understand what's going on, cause NOTHING EVER GETS RESOLVED. And it's seriously annoying the living shit outta me.

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[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 4: Ruski Business

You know what gets me really riled up? Makes me hella ANGRY? MAKES ME WANNA FUCK SOME BTCHZ UP??

Jewelry.

I mean, RIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHTTTT???

I'm sure we can all relate to this.

Most of all, Marina and Sveta can relate to this, cause in last night's ep, WWIII broke out over a goddamned tennis bracelet. 

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[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 3: Tough Russian Love

First of all: a big, fat, juicy fuck you to Lifetime TV. Those btchz moved Russian Dolls from 10:30pm (which was already bad enough) to 11:30pm. ELEVEN THIRTY PEE EMMMM!? WTF comes on at 11:30pm aside from Red Shoe Diaries and late night talk shows!? I'm torn between being sincerely concerned that this show is about to get cancelled any minute and insanely angry that I gotta stay up even later now to get this recap shit done. That's right, ppl: If you think taking pics of your flatscreen and writing snarky shit all over em takes no time at all...you're sorely mistaken.

Anyway, let's get this party started.

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[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 2: From Ukraine With Love

Annnnd here we are again, folks: break out the blinis and caviar, cause the estrogen was flowing like lava in last night's second ep of Russian Dolls.

Anna, the really hot one, makes me feel like I'm bipolar...one minute she's mugging and pursing her lips and I want to punch her in the face, and the next minute I'm feeling bad for her cause she's sharing a room with her sister in her family's tiny apartment and sleeping in a friggin twin bed. Then she's laughing over all the stupid stuffed animals in her bed that were given to her by boys who she tells us she's cheated on--every one of them, and I want to punch her in the face again. [SIDENOTE: if you are over the age of 14 and you're still buying chicks stuffed animals, you don't deserve to ever get laid again. STOP]. Then we see Anna at her ridiculous, but still seemingly legit modeling school, and I like her again because she seems motivated and self-sufficient and not a spoiled little brat. Shit, u guyz...I need some mood stabilizers.

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[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 1: Mama Dearest

OHMYGAWDYOUGUYS!

You know how hard I'm obsessed with reality TV, right? So, I've been waiting for two plus long, painful, years for some show...any show that would kinda sorta relate to Brooklyn so that I could recap it. Well last night I got my wish: Lifetime's new Real Housewives/Jersey Shore wannabe show about bitchy, self-centered Russian ppl,  Russian Dolls. Fuck yeah, Russians!

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