[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 4: Ruski Business

You know what gets me really riled up? Makes me hella ANGRY? MAKES ME WANNA FUCK SOME BTCHZ UP??

Jewelry.

I mean, RIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHTTTT???

I'm sure we can all relate to this.

Most of all, Marina and Sveta can relate to this, cause in last night's ep, WWIII broke out over a goddamned tennis bracelet. 

In other news, Eddie revealed that he maybe, possibly, has a leetle bitty, baby crush on Albert Anastasia. And apparently those two made a pact that if they were both not married by the time they were 30, they would marry each other. Is that the makings of a Jennifer Aniston/Ben Affleck RomCom or WHAT?

Only hitch is Stasy wants to get back together with her old, evil BF Vlad. R'uh Roh!

Also, please note: I've decided to illustrate this recap almost entirely with pics of Eddie's faces, cause that dude's face is a mirror of what we're all thinking about...A-L-W-A-Y-S.

Back to the Sveta/Marina war: Sveta owns a stupid jewelry store and decides she wants to do a stupid party at Marina's stupid club Rasputin so that she can find some more stupid suckas to buy overpriced jewelry from her afore mentioned stupid jewelry store. Problemz started from the get go when Sveta just basically dove straight into the "YOU MUST DO THIS!" and "YOU BETTER HAVE THIS, OR ELSE!" crap with Marina.

I gotta say, based on how this shit played out, I was on team Rasputin. Sveta was being all sorts of demanding and bitchy after Marina and her husband Michael:

• agreed to open up their club on a day/time that it was not open
• sent out an email about it to their whole list of 10,000 ppl
• arranged to have a full staff there
• and gave her a price that just simply covered their costs

I did jump over to team Sveta when they actually had the event and it looked like team Rasputin basically put out one tray of pigs-n-blankets, but the truth of the matter is: if I was throwing an event like that, I would have sat down ahead of time to find out exactly what was going to be served, what types of drinks were going to be there, etc. I mean, the whole idea that Sveta was going to bring over all this shit from her jewelry store, a place where people already feel comfortable plunking down tons of cash, and then set up shop in the middle of a dark, empty nightclub (where people get drunk, barf in the bathroom, and then forget everything that happened) is kind of absurd.

Also, Eva was there! It was just for a brief moment, but obvs that was my fave part of the party.

What Sveta *should* have done, was paid Michael/Marina to send out a dedicated email to their whole list offering some sort of special Rasputin discount (40% let's say) at her own store. Then they could have just sat back as hordes of cheap-assed rich Russian people rolled into their shop looking for half priced diamonds-n-shit. These btchz need to hire me for some marketing 101 lessons.

Speaking of hiring me, I honestly think Marina/Michael need to hire my ass to come redecorate their house--what is going on in there?? There's nothing on the walls (and if there is it's up to high), the scale of everything is way the hell off, and all the furniture looks like it came from one of those scary ass "Italiana Import" furniture stores on Canal Street. That place could be bangin if they dropped some cash and let me take the reigns. I think I need to do an inspiration board for them for next week's recap...i'm envisioning some sort of hot, over-the-top, Kelly Wearstler 80's-inspired shit like this:

And THIS:

(images via Lonny Mag)

Call me.

Anyway, back to plotline numero dos: Anastasia's old boyfriend Vlad, who Eddie has fondly referred to as an asshole, a douchebag, and (I think) a fucktard--it got bleeped out--all the sudden wants to get back together with her. Oh Jeezus H. Christ. ATTENTION ALL PEOPLE ON REALITY SHOWS EVERYWHERE: IF YOU EVER HAVE AN EX BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND WHO DECIDES THAT THEY WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU WHILE YOU'RE FILMING A REALITY TV SHOW, I WILL BET YOU A MILLION BILLION DOLLARS THAT THEY JUST WANT TO DO IT CAUSE THEY WANT TO BE ON A REALITY TV SHOW TOO. I mean, duh.

So Vlad mysteriously decides that he misses Anastasia, and he's all grown up now, and he promises not to make her get an eating disorder again, and he's sick of hookers, and whatever the fuck else he says, and surprise, surprise, she buys his b.s. and now they're in love again. I'm sure these two are going to be VERY happy together...for two weeks.

And so, friends, I leave you with this disturbing photo. Cause I had to watch this shit too, and it's not fair that I'm the only one in the vomitorium week after week (sidenote: is there anything sexier than a dude wearing a faux fur trapper hat in the hot tub? I think not). True Love, Brighton Beach style:

NEXT WEEK:

All the youngs pose for some whore-y calendar and Anna threatens to beat Anastasia in the face with a curling iron.