[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 2: From Ukraine With Love

Annnnd here we are again, folks: break out the blinis and caviar, cause the estrogen was flowing like lava in last night's second ep of Russian Dolls.

Anna, the really hot one, makes me feel like I'm bipolar...one minute she's mugging and pursing her lips and I want to punch her in the face, and the next minute I'm feeling bad for her cause she's sharing a room with her sister in her family's tiny apartment and sleeping in a friggin twin bed. Then she's laughing over all the stupid stuffed animals in her bed that were given to her by boys who she tells us she's cheated on--every one of them, and I want to punch her in the face again. [SIDENOTE: if you are over the age of 14 and you're still buying chicks stuffed animals, you don't deserve to ever get laid again. STOP]. Then we see Anna at her ridiculous, but still seemingly legit modeling school, and I like her again because she seems motivated and self-sufficient and not a spoiled little brat. Shit, u guyz...I need some mood stabilizers.

Anyway, Anna is throwing her first big fashion show and everyone is buzzing about it! By "throwing," of course, I mean she's showing up to the show that Lifetime probably told her she needed to have and paid for; and by "everyone" I mean all of the other cast members who are paid to care along with all of their friends who are pissed off that they didn't get chosen to be on a stupid reality TV show. But still! This thing is happening, and Anna is hoping that the success of this show will bring her enough new clients to actually allow her to pay for a display case for her stuffed animal menagerie and more frosted eyeshadow.

You can do it, Anna I know you can!

Before she lets her students go, she passes along some sage diet and nutrition advice: DON'T FUCKING EAT. She tells these poor girls that the only thing that is to pass through their lips until the show a few days later is water--morning, noon and night, water, water, water. Yummy! And what happens if they faint, Anna? "If you faint, too bad. Get up and drink some more water." Clearly this chick needs to write a fucking diet book.

In case you're wondering who will be hosting this fashion show shindig, wonder no more: it's Brighton Beach's very own Howard Stern, Renata! She agreed to do the show cause she thinks Anna is goal-oriented and she used to be goal-oriented as a young girl, so won't it be cool to just get together all the goal-oriented people in Brooklyn and make lots and lots of new goals!? I mean, I assume that's what usually happens at fashion shows, right?

This would probably also be a good time to remind you that Renata is married to some dude named Boris...that will never stop making me happy.

Thus far, Eddie and Albert have received zero screen time without the other one. I'm starting to fantasize that these two are all "Fuhgeddaboutit! Vajayjay! Tits!" while on camera, but when the crew goes home they morph into some Martha Stewart reading, organic gardening gay couple with a Malti-Poo and 500 thread count sheets. Whether it's real or not, these two have got the makings of a major bromance brewing.

So what better way to celebrate starving yourself, gay sex, and Russian radio shows than a night out on the Brighton Beach town with your best friends forced TV show castmates! The youngs all get together for some boozin and general Russian mayhem, but things turn sour fast when Anna makes a joke about Eddie not having any money. Eddie flips his shit and then makes a joke about Anna's modeling school being for dumb 12-year-olds, and SHE flips her shit. I think we can learn two very important lessons here folks:

1. Eddie is totally fucking crazy
2. Anna is totally fucking crazy

This stupid, 11-second fight becomes the entire basis of this whole episode, and according to the previews, subsequent ones as well...which kind of blows my mind. Because again, let me break it down for you: Anna said "yeah? what money" to Eddie and Eddie said "Your little modeling school with 12-year-olds is nothin, kiddo" and that's pretty much it. Those are the comments that launched WW III.

Hunh??!!

No one said "you're a disgusting filthy whore and I hope you die" OR "speaking of 12-year-olds, your dick is about the size of a 12-year-old." No one threatened families, dumped drinks in anyone's face or flipped a table. Who knew, but apparently Russian people are very fucking sensitive...and apparently two things you should never, ever, EVER talk about are a man's money, and a girl's modeling school. Don't you ever forget it, btchz.

So Eddie gets loud, and Anna starts to cry and their drunken night out on the town gets ruined. Eddie tries to go apologize but Anna won't accept it, and then we spend the rest of the show debating whether Eddie's apology was genuine or not. Anastasia thinks that when a Russian man apologizes, you better fucking accept it, so she fake consoles Anna and then invites Eddie over to talk trash about her behind her back.

Also, apparently Russian women gossip a lot. Here is Eddie and Albert demonstrating how they have gay sex  how they use their tongue to text while driving or some shit...anything to get the gossip out on the airways.

Apparently Eddie and Anastasia are BFF, so Anastasz decides to get into a shouting match with Anna and poof! Just like that they are not friends anymore. The day of the fashion show, all the youngs show up (INCLUDING EDDIE who decided to just act like a man, do the right thing, and show up to support Anna), but Anastasia was a no show. R'UH R'OH.

The show actually looks surprisingly good for a reality show fashion show (true I'm just comparing this shit to eps of various Real Housewife seasons and Toddlers & Tiaras, but still), and Anna seemingly pulls off quite a big production. Everyone congratulates her with bouquets of flowers wrapped in plastic that look shockingly familiar to the bouquets of flowers wrapped in plastic that Anna picked up earlier in the day and put into her trunk. However, if they ARE IN FACT the same flowers, this actually makes me like Anna even more as I'm guessing the convo in her head went something like this: "Everyone is obviously going to want to congratulate me and lavish me with gifts, and since I don't want them picking out shitty flowers, I may as well just buy the ones I want, distribute them to the audience, and let them regift them to me."

I decided to send some flowers to Anna too. I combined her love for stuffed animals with her love of flowers and attention and crazy eye shadow colors and cheating on her boyfriends and tada! I came up with a flower bouquet in the shape of a teddy bear!

NEXT WEEK:

Russian people get into a hot tub, Russian people take an aerobics class, and FINALLY we get to see more of Boris.