[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 3: Tough Russian Love

First of all: a big, fat, juicy fuck you to Lifetime TV. Those btchz moved Russian Dolls from 10:30pm (which was already bad enough) to 11:30pm. ELEVEN THIRTY PEE EMMMM!? WTF comes on at 11:30pm aside from Red Shoe Diaries and late night talk shows!? I'm torn between being sincerely concerned that this show is about to get cancelled any minute and insanely angry that I gotta stay up even later now to get this recap shit done. That's right, ppl: If you think taking pics of your flatscreen and writing snarky shit all over em takes no time at all...you're sorely mistaken.

Anyway, let's get this party started.

While I've enjoyed getting to know both the youngs and the olds so far, there's one cast member who I've been deeply intrigued by from the minute I heard his name in the first episode: BORIS. When I hear the name Boris, I'm immediately struck with the following thoughts:
1. This person is a hitman.
2. If this person is *not* a hitman (yeah, right), they could still probably cut a bitch up pretty badly.
3. This person is in the Russian mob.
4. This person smashes beer cans against his forehead.
5. Be VERY afraid of this person.

I don't know why I have these thoughts, but I do. And I was anxious to see if this Boris, who happens to be married to Renata, the Russian Howard Stern, was like any of the mobsters I had seen on the Sopranos. And the answer is....YES! Yes, he is.

Now I don't think Boris is a mobster by trade (though it's also unclear to me exactly what he does do), but also he sure as shit looks like one. Even his own wife says he looks like a "Russian gangster." And while I'm willing to (maybeeeee) believe the dude is on the straight and narrow, also I'm guessing that Boris has broken a few kneecaps at some point in his life (PLEASE DON'T HURT ME, BORIS). And in addition to looking like he might kill someone, Boris also happens to be a voice coach!

In last night's ep, Boris took on the task of coaching his wife for an upcoming appearance she has at the opening of a restaurant where she was asked to sing. Despite the fact that she says she's never sung before, she actually sounds pretty alright...though not according to Boris. First she's not singing hard enough, and then she's not singing loud enough, and then Boris's big idea is to tell her to pretend like she's having sex for the first time on stage in order to relax here. Shit, I wish I was making this up, ppl. Clearly Bor Bor has never read Jezebel, otherwise he would have known that 98% of chicks want to take the memory of the first time they got laid and stomp on it, bury it and then set in on fire.

As for the youngs, they were verrrrry busy dealing with the issue of Anastasia's precarious future. It seems that this chick has been in college for five years, changed her major a dozen times and still has no fucking clue what the hell she wants to do with her life....and, of course, all the while mommy is footing the bill.

I guess all that is kind of interesting, but you know what is WAY MORE interesting? Eddie's eyebrows. I've noted before that Eddie is clearly riding shotgun on the manscaping train, and more power to him. But I didn't realize that his eyebrows were being groomed and shaped by none other than Diana! While Anastasia was pouring her heart out about the fact that she's probably going to be alone, on welfare, and forced into prostitution these two are plucking and nipping as if they don't have a care in the world. But take a step back, ppl. It might appear as if this were two friends being insensitive to Anastasia's plight, but I actually think they were trying to inspire her! I mean, Diana is a multi-faceted chick...she manages a sunglasses store, collects stuffed animals AND grooms eyebrows. She can do it all! Srsly, Anastasia: YOU NEED TO DREAM BIG LIKE DIANA.

Renata asks Sveta (who I still maintain is the prettiest castmember of all) to accompany her on a trip to the caviar supermarket so that she can get some advice from her on how to deal with Boris's bitching and moaning. Renata thinks Sveta is a tough chick, and Boris is tough, so bing bam boom, help is on the way!

Sveta proceeds to give Renata the single best piece of marriage advice I've ever heard: let your husband *think* he's in control, and then DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. Followed up by the second best piece of marriage advice ever: "If he screams, just put a cookie in his mouth." Srsly, it doesn't get any better than this, ppl.

Thankfully her advice came not a minute too soon as Renata had taken to practicing her singing routine with her poodle in an effort to avoid Boris's harsh words (again, ppl...I WISH I was kidding. I am so not).

With her future still uncertain, Anastasia decides to go see a "career counselor." Gooood idea, Stasy. Let's leave your future to a woman getting paid minimum wage who asks you a battery of standard questions, gives you a stupid score, and then pretends like she knows wtf you should be doing with your life.

As a semi-old myself, I have some way better advice for you Anastasia: it doesn't matter what your fucking major is! Like not at all! Unless you're going to med school (which you're clearly not) pick any stupid liberal arts major that your heart desires, get not horrible grades, and then go get a job in a field that's completely unrelated. That's what we ALL DO.

Instead, Anastasia decides, with the career counselor's "help," that she wants to be a lawyer. Jesus fucking christ.

Imagine my surprise when she tells her mother, who from what I've seen has done nothing but support and help her daughter, and mamz isn't so excited about coughing up another $150k for a law degree!? CRAZY? She's so mean! So obviously Anastasia does what any of us would do, and calls her mom a stupid bitch, tells her she hates her, and yells at her for never supporting her. Eventhough she's supported her for five years in college...and her whole life before that...and left her life and friends and family in Russia so that her daughter could have a better one here in America. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH!

Mom does, however, have the best line of the night: Say me how it was?

Ok, so mom's Engrish isn't the best...I still love her. Probs more than Anastasia does.

On to the restaurant opening!

Renata's song lasts approximately 17 seconds, and as I predicted, she kinda kills it. Everyone claps and smiles and all is right witht he world.

Boris makes moves to pretend like he's gonna yell at her, and instead he tells her she's beautiful and the performance was "sick." Awwwwww.

Then Anastasia asks her mother to come over to her apt, and this bitch somehow gets her mom to apologize to her!? WHAT??? This is where I vomited all over my macbook air.

You have no future Anastasia. Just go get a job as a receptionist at Anna's modeling school and let's call it a motherfucking day.

NEXT WEEK:

Sveta and Marina get into a fight over hot dogs.