[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 5: Calendar Girls

Ok, look: I am an EXPERT on shitty reality TV shows. Jersey Shore, check. Every season of every Real Housewives, yep. Mob Wives, Bachelor Pad, Big Brother, Toddlers & Tiaras, check, check, check baby check.

Here's the thing that I just can't get over about this show: shit goes down and it's never referred to, dealt with, or explained again. The cornerstone of any good reality TV show is the extended mix replay of exactly what went down the week before. Editors spend more time on this recap shit than they do on the actual editing of the show! You relive every horrible ridiculous fight, crying episode and uncomfortable moment in the first few minutes of the show, and then you move on from there. It's standard operating procedure.

On Ruissian Dolls, each show is its own contained unit. You almost don't need to have seen ANY of the other shows in order to understand what's going on, cause NOTHING EVER GETS RESOLVED. And it's seriously annoying the living shit outta me.

Last we left them, Anna and Anastasia hated the crap out of each other, and Eddie and Anna were mortal enemies. On this ep, Anna is HELPING Anastasia with some stupid calendar girl contest, and Anna and Eddie are chatting it up like they're BFF's. LAST WEEK Sveta and Marina were about to mud wrestle with each other, calling one another pigs and bitches and all sorts of crap, and this week they're happily sitting next to each other judging this Brighton Beach calendar competish together. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. And on top of that, it prevents anyone from becoming really invested in the characters and what's going on. If I know that storylines are never going to get resolved, then why the hell should I even bother watching the show? Hello, Lifetime!? CAN YOU HEAR ME??

And also: wtf is up with Albert?? He's been on the show for a total of like 2 minutes and 23 seconds since this whole thing started, and it's mostly when he oddly shows up in someone else's one-on-one interviews.

This shit is getting beyond retarded. And don't even get me started again about the 11:30pm time slot.

Anyway.

Blah, blah, blah there is some yearly calendar whore girl competition that takes place in Brighton Beach and Anastasia and Diana have entered it and made the finals. Anna didn't enter cause she's too busy working her ass off at her modeling school and getting real modeling jobs, so she's just hanging around trying to help out these two bitches by giving them all of her best model-y tips.

Boris, while laying on his bed and looking like a fat piece of shit, tells his smart, ambitious, beautiful, go-getter wife Renata that she looks disgusting cause she has a varicose vein on the back of one of her legs. And despite the fact that Renata does not strike me as the sort of person who needs ANYONE else's advice or permission in any other aspect of her life, she seems to take everything that Boris says to her as the gospel, and so she rushes to get this vein situation taken care of and makes an appt with her doctor.

In the meantime, Anastasia is unsurprisingly flipping her shit at the salon where she's getting her hair done for the calendar shoot. She's screaming, and crying, and hurling insults at the poor woman who got stuck doing her hair. If anyone out there has a daughter, I suggest you tape a few of these episodes, sit the kid down and then tell them: "IF YOU EVER FUCKING ACT LIKE THIS WHINY, SELF-ENTITLED BITCH, YOU WILL GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE...AND THEN DISOWNED."

Anastasia is almost worse than Ashley from the Real Housewives of New Jersey, and she is the most vile human being I've ever watched on any reality TV show ever. I think I'd rather watch Sammi and Ronnie fight on the Jersey Shore than I would Anastasia prancing around acting like a spoiled brat.

And in last night's lesson entitled, Karma is a bitch, bitch, Anastasia doesn't get picked for the calendar cause of her little salon takeover freakout. BWHAAAAAAAA!

Of course she then flips out, ahhhhhgain, screaming and crying and bitching about how a lowly, unimportant salon owner ruined her chances at being on the widdle calendar. Le sigh. It's everyone else's fault, right Stasy? The world is out to get you? No one understands you? It's not fair, right?? Gag me with a mother fucking soup spoon.

Diana *does* make the calendar, and I'm glad cause she's grown on me. Also, it makes Anastasia even madder, and that's always enjoyable slash maddening to watch.

Thankfully, Renata decides that she kinda likes her varicose veins, thank you very much, and decides to tell Boris to go take his opinions and stick em where the sun don't shine. This is after Boris ducks into the other room and pulls out $1000 in cash that he just throws on Renata's lap to use to take care of her little problemo. She tells him he made her feel like a prostitute. They laugh. "Boris, remember that time you threw money at me like I was a prostitution whore! Haaaaaaa! That was so funny!"

WHO ARE YOU BORIS?? And why do you have thousands of dollars in cash lying around?? Inquiring minds want to know.

NEXT WEEK: It's Russian new years, everyone gets into a fight, and Marina gets "whore-iffied."