[RUSSIAN DOLLS RECAP] Episode 1: Mama Dearest

OHMYGAWDYOUGUYS!

You know how hard I'm obsessed with reality TV, right? So, I've been waiting for two plus long, painful, years for some show...any show that would kinda sorta relate to Brooklyn so that I could recap it. Well last night I got my wish: Lifetime's new Real Housewives/Jersey Shore wannabe show about bitchy, self-centered Russian ppl,  Russian Dolls. Fuck yeah, Russians!

The setting is Brighton Beach and the frosted eyeshadow application is on BLAST.

Unfortunately, I guess Lifetime can't afford to pay anyone to come up with their own ideas, so they basically just took the opener from VH1's Mob Wives and inserted blonde haired Russian chicks. Exhibit A:

Mob Wives:

Russian Dolls:

Based on the photos alone, it seems like the Mob Wives have nicer furs, but considering one of these Russian chicks was buying 2 bracelets for $28k, I probably don't know WTF I'm talking about.

Anyway, meet the cast!

Anna is the hottest one in the group by a landslide, but the bitch knows it and pretty much just walks through the streets of Brighton Beach like she's on a catwalk.

"Anna, 22, is an aspiring model and skillful flirt. Anna recently opened her own modeling school. She craves the spotlight but still lives in a tiny apartment with her parents and meddling grandmother."

Diana has a boyfriend who drives a Maserati and buys her stuffed animals and bodega flowers. But he's Spanish. And she's Russian. So you do the goddamned math.

"Diana, 23, has a goal in life: find a man she can marry. Of course, her prince will need to drive a nice car and pay for absolutely everything."

All I can remember about Anastasia is that she calls her mom a stupid bitch in the next episode.

"For Anastasia, 26, graduating from college is not in the cards. This Russian darling seems more interested in going to the gym, tanning, applying makeup and making sure her hair extensions stay in place."

It's only the first ep, but I'm already pegging Eddie as the Bethenney Frankel of the show (i.e. King of the one-liners). Also, he grooms his eyebrows, and I like that in a dude.

"A handsome lady-killer, Eddie Zee, 26, is looking to make a name for himself in the world, while juggling the ladies and his busy social calendar."

Albert pretty much just seems like Eddie Zee's sidekick. Also he's bald.

"A wheeler-dealer who values his money and social status in Brighton Beach, Albert, 26, knows exactly what he wants: to make millions of dollars and bring a nice Russian girl home to his mom."

Marina appears to be the Grand Dame of the group. She and her husband own the nightclub Rasputin, and she's pretty much THE perfect reality TV candidate: narcissistic, self-involved and bitchy. Needless to say, I lurv her.

"Dripping in furs and diamonds, Marina, 34, is all about status. When she isn't going head-to-head with her spirited mother-in-law, Eva (age 56), Marina runs the popular local club/restaurant Rasputin with her husband Michael and knows everyone in Brighton Beach."

Renata is married to someone named Boris...it doesn't get much cooler than that, ppl.

"Sweet, energetic and whimsical, Renata, 47, hosts a popular Russian radio show. She's always trying to make nice when it comes to her friends and her lovable, yet overbearing, husband Boris."

Sveta is the hottest MILF in the group...which probably bugs the shit out of Marina. Also, I think she looks younger than Diana annd Anastasia, and she's twice their age.

"Sveta, 47, rules her 30-year marriage with an iron fist, while her husband Sasha runs a local jewelry store."

 We open with Marina, who's busily telling us all how fabulous she is, how fabulous her house is, and how fabulous her nightclub Rasputin is. Generally when people have the need to tell me how fabulous their shit is, I immediately know that it's opposite day. Though I have to give it to Marina: her house IS really fabulous. Or rather it would be if it were 1983...and I had no taste...and had lost most of my vision in a hunting accident. See for yourself:

Yikes.

Anyway, don't sweat it. Marina decided to drown her sorrows by asking her husband Michael for some money to go jewelry shopping. He said "How about $20,000?" and she said "what can you really buy today for $20,000???" Uhm, I don't know Marina, how bout a car:

Or 2 first class tickets around the world? Or maybe a well for an entire village in Africa?

Instead Marina decided to use it for these 2 bracelets:

Upon further investigation into the trials and tribulations of Marina's life, we learn that she is currently dealing with a tragedy that no mere mortal should EVER be asked to contend with (and I'm totally fucking serious, ppl): her mother-in-law wants to get dressed up in a bikini and shake her money maker in front of a room full of strangers at a "Grandma Pageant."

Did you know that Grandma Pageants were actually a thing? Cause I sure as shit did not. But after some googling, I've learned that yes indeed: they are a thing! In fact I found a lovely little video on youtube depicting some hot-n-sexy Brazilian grandmas that actually look good in bikinis. Unfortunately, this is what Marina's mother-in-law looked like during her dress rehearsal:

Needless to say, this clinched Grandma Eva's spot as my official favorite character of the ep.

Next me meet Diana, who seems to be the most American-ized of the bunch. She tells us that she has a boyfriend and that said boyfriend has a Maserati. Fancy!

Then he drives up in the thing, presumably just to pick her up for a regular ole date, and he brings her a gigantic bouquet of flowers wrapped in plastic, a humongous teddy bear, balloons and a box of heart candy like he was picking her up for the prom. Ok, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but still it was ridic. Only hitch is, Diana's BF isn't Russian so (FORESHADOWING) I see trouble ahead!

Then the whole gang heads off to the Banya...a Russian bath house where they can show off their hot bods in bikinis, eat salads by the pool and get beaten with bunches of arugula. I have no idea what the fuck that does, but Alex was lovin life while getting a serious vegetable beatdown:

Then Anna, Diana and Anastasia have to walk by the older moms, Marina, Sveta and Renata in their itsy bitsy bikinis as if to say: YOU GUYS ARE SO FAT RIGHT NOW.

Ironically, the younger girls then spend their entire lunch talking about how they all want to have babies immeds so that they can be hot moms. Except for Anastasia who seems to be the only voice of reason at the table as she wants to wait until she's older and more mature to get married and become a BREEDER.

Albert dropped the best line of the night during his one-on-one interview with Eddie. When asked about what it was like to date Russian girls, he had this to say: "Why do they think that their vajayjays are so golden?" This is a question I think we've all asked ourselves at one time or another...at least I have. 

Eva then reveals to us to that she has been waiting her entire life for a special opportunity like the upcoming Granny Pageant. She was an engineer in Russia, but all she wants to do is sing and dance. Marina rolls her eyes and tunes her out and closes her eyes to dream about the chinchilla underwear she wants to buy. Again, Eva: you complete me.

Now it's time for Diana's mother to teach her how to make Borscht. I remember my grandpa used to eat Borscht when I was a little kid and it literally looked to me like he was having a bowl or dismembered body parts. I couldn't even look at it as I was convinced I'd see a bloody finger swirling around in there. Alas, this borscht looks way the hell prettier:

Diana decides to float the idea of her dating someone who's not Russian her mom's way, and she freaks the fuck out. Things are not looking good for Paulmeister.

But who the hell cares about Paul...it's time for the Granny Pageant! I think it's safe to say that was probably my favorite 2 mins of anything I've ever seen on TV E-V-E-R. Unfortunately, Marina did not agree with me:

She sat there the whole time bitching and moaning like a 2-year-old. Her small child was better behaved than she was. Of course, she then used the kid as an excuse to leave the whole thing early, and no one was even there when Grandma Eva won her award for the motherfucking talent competition!

My second favorite thing ever on TV was the conversation Diana had with her non-Russian boyfriend Paul at the dinner she was breaking up with him at. Here's a transcript:

Diana: You don't eat sushi...EVERY Russian guy eats sushi. It's a must

Paul: Yeah, I don't eat crustaceans.

Diana: I wanted to talk to you. Like you know I'm Russian? It's like it's own entity, and the people are different and what we do and everything like that. And I enjoy hanging out with you and it's cool, but can it go further? When you first met me did you think there was a future?

Paul: Of course, I wouldn't have asked you out if I didn't think so.

Diana: What kind of future?

Paul: The kind of future that most people want...wife, kids.

Diana: It's like I feel bad.

Paul: Why do you feel bad?

Diana: Cause I can't be with you.

[WHOOP, THERE IT IS!]

Paul: Cause I'm not Russian?

Diana: Yeah. My parents...they came to America for a reason.

Paul: Uhm, to look for Russians??

Diana: Yeah. But, you know, I really want the best for you. I'm ready whenever you're ready.

Paul: Ready for what?

Diana: To go. [to waitress: CHECK PLEASE! And can we have this wrapped up to go...individually].

Paul: [stunned look]

Diana: Good talk.

BWWWHAAAAAAA.

Di: why did you drag this poor cat all the way out to a restaurant, and make him sit there while you ate tuna tartare if you were just going to dump him in the first 10 mins? You could have at least offered him a goodbye blow-job in the Maserati and then broken up with him. Sheesh.

Next Week:

Marina yells at Eva again for taking all the attention away from her, Diana wants to get her lips tattooed, Anna struts around in a bikini and Eddie and Albert punch each other in the face.