Food Fight!!!! Whole Foods v. Food Coop and Stroller Heather v. Amy Sohn

The New York Observer has an article out this week on the prudes of Park Slope and whether we'll schlep our entitled, gentrified asse(t)s downhill to the scary, dirty, desolate, but newly non-toxic site of Whole Foods Gowanus.

It was only a matter of time before big-box brown rice capitalism landed in Brooklyn, which in the last four years has welcomed Fairway, Ikea and Trader Joe's. Whole Foods has opened six stores in New York since 2001, all in Manhattan. But proximity to Park Slope, the epicenter of purpose-driven, pseudo-suburban family life in Brooklyn, opens a whole new can of worms. Residents have so far staved off high-end retail, other than the odd boutique, despite being a branch office of Manhattan economically. One cannot even find a Gap in its increasingly lily-white environs. 

This is Park Slope Food Coop territory, after all. 

Brownstoner put up a link and the comments quickly started rolling in, 154 at last count (and I just had to restart because that fucking website crashed my laptop). Anyway, the comments stream morphed into a kind of awesome food fight between lovers and haters of the Food Coop, Whole Foods, Amy Sohn and the latest greatest new Park Slope celebrity (if I have anything to say about it, anyway)...STROLLER MAMA HEATHER.

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Park Slope Food Coop Walkers: Awkward Conversations 101

Should I be giving a holiday tip to my Food Coop walker dude(tte) this season, you think?

'Cause even you hardened haters have got to admit that the Food Coop's little home delivery service is not too shabby (btw, I can't seem to stop singing the Chanukkah Song). Anyway, I want to personally thank the Food Coop for not leaving me with my broken down shopping cart and letting me borrow theirs.

It's one of the few benefits of living in the belly of the beast: a privilege for those who live in a five block radius (or is it 10?). Anyway, you're fucked if you live in Crown Heights.

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The Park Slope Food Coop: Worse Than Death

I've mentioned my affinity for "fuckit lists" before, so unsurpringly, I'm equally enamored with Catherine Price's book 101 Places Not to See Before You Die.

Showing up at a respectable #103 is your fave spot-n-mine: The Park Slope Food Coop!

Here's an excerpt:

"I am still at the Co-op, three hours after my workshift began, in a meeting led by Roger, my squad leader. Roger ends his emails to our shift with the tagline, “Yours in cooperation” and loves holding post-work-squad chats in the childcare room, where he has just told us that we will have to reschedule our next two months’ work shifts since they fall on Thanksgiving and Christmas. He then invites us to his annual wassailing party. I suggest that we go to his party, skip our workslots, and get drunk on eggnog instead. Elga is the only one who laughs."

a. "Yours in cooperation"!!?? BWWWHHHHAHHHAHHAHAH.

b. WTF is wassailing?

BREAKING: People At The Park Slope Food Coop Hire Hookers!

Short of the raccoon decapitation story, I'm pretty sure this is the best submission we've ever received here at FIPS HQ.

You see that pic of that woman in a hoochie mama dress, wearing fuck me heels up above? Well someonnnnne who works at the Coop is looking for her cause this bitch allegedly stole their dog!? And she may or may not be a hooker!? And they're offering you cash mon-ay if you can find this little skank-a-rella! And two months worth of Coop shifts! (ok, kidding about that last bit...cause two Coop shifts would be worth more like $2500).

Anyway.

Our new fave Coop Spy is this dude Aaron Naparstak, who noticed this remarkable flyer on the bulletin board outside their office during his last make-up shift. And sidenote: Aaron also confirms that's its totally fucking annoying to work with all those mofos with tales of bitchtastical shift leaders and check-out girls who ring your ass up while on conference calls. But who cares about any of that shit now...THERE'S A HOOKER DOG THIEF ON THE LOOSE!

Our list of shit to be deathly afraid in Park Slope is gettin kinda hectic, hunh?:

• Bedbugs
• Tornadoes
• Raccoons
• Opposums
• Hooker Dog Thiefs

I'm off to get Oliver micro-chipped....AH-gain.

The Food Coop Makes More Money Than Whole Foods

Well, kinda.

Grub Street reported that the Coop made a whopping $39.4 million dollars in its last fiscal year, while Whole Foods has a $39.2 million average per store. I'll give it to you PSFC: that's pretty friggin impressive. However,  we'd be remiss if we didn't point out some additional differences between your ass and Whole Foods, aside from the whole money thing. Like for instance, Whole Foods stores are generally:

• spacious
• nice
• way less crowded
• better lit
• quieter
• open to the public
• free from constant annoying announcements
• workshift free...well except for people who get paid to work there

I mean, like for realz: where the eff does that 39.4 million go??? Cause your store is kind of a dump. You'd think you bitchez would allow yourself a few luxuries with all that cash money...like valet bike/stroller parking or a complimentary food energist or something??