A FiPS Guide to Donating Your Unwanted Shit

Let’s face it, guys. We live in New York, and our apartments are small (I know what you’re thinking: Someone get this man a Pulitzer for that weighty opening!). Because we shack up in miniscule apartments that are better fit for raccoons and cockroaches, there isn’t a lot of room for the crap that accumulates as we, you know, live our (or your) lives. So naturally, a major part of any New Yorker’s Spring Cleaning efforts is devoted to getting rid of shit. And with the help of FiPS, this year you’re gonna be a shining star! Fancy clothes! Fancy ca-ar! Let’s buck up and get ready to say goodbye to yesterday and out-of-style shit. I know it’s hard, but just think of all of the new shit you can get once you’ve cleared out that corner where you formerly stacked the dishes because you had to keep your back copies of The New Yorker in the cupboards -- but now you’ve finally thrown THOSE out! (A nickel for every run-on, please!)

Are you with me? If you are, you’ve just resolved to go through all of your shit. You've agreed to dragging a friend over for drinks (read: watching you try on every plaid shirt in your closet in hopes of determining that the blue on green pattern is SO 2009, while the green on blue pattern is 100% on trend of 2013), and neatly packing all of that shit into garbage bags, keeping said bags separate from the actual garbage, and finally feeling ready to...do something with all of it. Something good! Something noble! Something that’ll put some cash back in your pocket! Something better than contributing to Brooklyn’s garbage war!

When it comes to furniture, electronics, and home goods you can, of course, turn to Craigslist. But the hassle of dealing with that shit can be tiring, and it’s easy for potential buyers to flake. And when it comes to dumping your clothes, surely there’s a better way than leaving it on the stoop. So here, without further ado, is the “official” FiPS guide to donating your unwanted shit:

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People Are Still Robbing Our Asses While We're at Work

Holy crap, you guys! Hold on to your MacBooks! Keep those iPads safe! There are burglars in Park Slope! This is serious! I'm not joking! I am seriously freaking out (I challenged myself to see how many exclamation points I could fit into an opening paragraph. I think I did all right)!

Let's talk about it. While crime in the Slope is overall down this year, Park Slope Patch reports that so far there have been 14 more burglaries this year than this time last year. And the 78th Precinct is taking notice. Captain Michael Ameri says, "we do still have a significant burglary problem." And what's more, these perps aren't after the usual home robbery loot (jewelry and gold); they're heading straight for the iPads and MacBooks. 

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A FiPS Guide To That Weird Runner's Energy Goo

Last week, I wrote this post about how you could run your first marathon and cure cancer at the same time. It was a brilliant blog post, and people who love fitness and hate cancer shared it on Facebook and shit.  In that post, I promised you that I was going to do a taste test of energy gel, and that I would report the results to all of you, so you'd know what you were doing, once you decided to train for your first marathon.

If you've don't know what energy gel is, let me enlighten you.  Energy gel is what marathon runners take so that they do not die while running 26 miles. Basically, you can't run that far without fuel, so you have to eat something every few miles, and the thing that some people choose to eat is this little packet of flavored glop, which is basically sugar, flavoring and ridiculous amounts of caffeine. It's the consistency of snot, and it's sticky and has a slight chemical odor. My spouse, David, runs marathons, and he eats them on his races.  He likes the mocha and chocolate flavored ones, which he insists taste like pudding.  More on that, later.

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Your FiPS Guide To Surviving a Spin Class

Photo: Flywheelfit.com

Stop scurrying by the group fitness room at your gym -- it's time to take a spin class! I promise you, the vigorous workout isn't as intimidating as it sounds. For an average burn of 500 calories, you get a 60-minute cardio workout with low impact on your knees and minor hand-eye coordination skills (which if you're like me - is necessary.) It's pretty much like riding a bike, minus the hassle of the Prospect Park West bike lane and the police crackdown on inner park speeding.

But don't expect to sit on an exercise bike and page through the latest People magazine during this class. Along with 15 to 20 other sweaty individuals, you'll be riding while adjusting your weighted flywheel to focus on endurance, strength and interval training. There are three basic positions for riding in a spin class.

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A Fips guide to your workout playlist

So you made a commitment to work out and now you need something to distract yourself from the thoughts that run through your head the entire time you're working out (something along the lines of, "Hey, why don't we get off this treadmill, go home, eat a block of cheddar cheese, and watch The Golden Girls?").  You're in luck: FIPS has put together three work-out playlists that'll keep you focused on your workout, and not how comfortable your couch is.

Overzealous Treadmill Runner

You know this dbag.  He’s the culprit of the headache you get every Saturday morning because he’s running so hard and so far up on the machine that his feet are literally smacking up against the plastic on the front of the machine.  He’s a RUNNER, drenched in sweat, working hard, and he wants everyone to know it—even though more seasoned runners are gliding effortlessly on the machines next to him.  Here’s a list of trite running songs for this jerk (hey, how about you go to the park?  The pavement can take way more damage).  

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