Nets 2013-2014: We're Totally Kidding

HELLO BROOKLYN 2.0...AMIRITE? Y'know what’s cool about the just-finished first Brooklyn Nets season, in retrospect? Please allow me to tell you with eloquent words...

Almost a decade removed from Jason Kidd leading the NJ Nets to the Finals two years in a row (01'-02' & 02'-03'), the Nets franchise was seriously aching for a reboot. They sucked for a looooong ass time. Regardless of how much success they had, the seven-foot shadows of Sam Bowie & Chris Dudley & Keith Van Horn kept blocking out the achievements of Kenny Anderson & Mookie Blaylock & Jason Kidd.

Then came the 2012-2013 season. BROOKLYN 1.0. New arena. New uniforms. Lots of new players. New attitude. Fairly new owners. D-Will at the point. Jay-Z as the face. EARLY PANIC. Head coach Avery Johnson is fired. PJ Carlesimo steps in as coach. BROOKLYN 1.5! Kris Humphries tries not to fuck too many lame celebrities. Overall, the season goes OK enough for a while & the Nets end up with the 4th best record in the Eastern Conference. Then they get bounced by Chicago in the first round of the playoffs. PJ & his beard are shaved, just weeks after Jay-Z left the Nets franchise to become the hip-hoppiest sports agent EVA (other than Scott Boras). I hope HOVA's short investment turned out OK!

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Update on Brooklyn Nets Player Caught Up In Sexual Assault Case

image via deadspin.com

Last week, we ran a post about a possible legal snafu for Nets backup center, Andray Blatche. On January 8, a woman was allegedly sexually assaulted at the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia, where Blatche and a few friends were celebrating the athlete's contract extension with the Nets. Though Blatche admits that he was present at the time, he denies having any knowledge about the assault.

The alleged victim is now saying that isn't the case. In an interview with ABC Philadelphia affiliate, the 21 year-old woman said: "He [Blatche] was not oblivious. He was aware the whole time." In addition, ABC-6 Philadelphia recently claimed that Philadelphia police found "date rape drugs" in the hotel room, but quickly amended the statement by saying that the police were unsure of the substance they found.   

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In the wake of Sandy, The Nets Have Postponed Their First Game

In keeping up with her string of dumping horrible shit on New York City, Hurricane Sandy has taken one more thing away from us: The Nets' very first game against the Knicks. The showdown was supposed to take place tonight, but because of the massive damage that Sandy has caused, including a shut-down of the entire subway system, the game has been postponed.

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P-Stew Officially Loves the Nets, Hates the Barclay Traffic

Yes, Patrick Stewart -- Park Slope's newest celebrity resident and my newest FiPS beat -- has joined the rest of us in expressing feelings for the much-loved Barclays Center. According to New York Magazine, he hates the traffic caused by the arena's recent events, saying, "When they had the Jay-Z concerts, Flatbush [Avenue] turned into a parking lot." 

But here's what P-Stew does love: the Nets. Yep, those boys dressed in black who recently doubled for grocery baggers at the Key Food on 7th Ave are a welcomed addition to Sir Patrick's new hood: "I am a sports fan and it now means that I can watch the Nets," he told the magazine. Stewart admits that he doesn't drive anyway, and likes the walk just fine: "When there’s a stadium a walk away from where you live, why wouldn’t you do that? Better than television." 

Um, I don't think it's better than watching yourself Captain the effing Enterprise on television. Just sayin'. 

Brooklyn Nets Invade Park Slope Key Food

For those of you still wondering how the Barclays Center is going to affect life here in good ole Park Slope, you now have your answer: you might be given Key Food gift cards and/or have your groceries packed by Kim Kardashian's ex-husband. 

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