Trial By Ordeal: Live Blogging Jury Duty in Brooklyn

Well, I'm here at the Kings County Supreme Court watching arguably the most hilariously bad instructional video of all times. 

I almost brought my pillow and blankie, but so far my jury duty has been just scintillating enough to keep me awake. 

Narrated by dead Ed Bradley and undead Diane Sawyer, this epic tale starts in the dark ages, where the accused (played by Matt Damon and Cate Blanchett, respectively. OR NOT.) are subjected to medieval tortures like dunking hands in boiling water and something that looks awfully like WATERBOARDING. Oy, the production values! The reenactments! Although it's so bad, it's kind of good.

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Bedbug Terrorism...Shit Just Got REAL

By the time you read this I may have very well strapped some concrete blocks to my ankles, and jumped off the side of the Brooklyn Bridge into the rough (ish), icy (ish) waters of the East River to end it all. Cause quite frankly, I don't know how the fuck I can go on with my day knowing that aside from worrying about getting bedbugs:

• on the subway
• at the movies
• at high-end retail stores
• at your office
• AND EVERY OTHER MOTHERFUCKING PLACE ON PLANET EARTH

Now I gotta worry about Bedbug terrorism!???? On craigslist?? AYFKMWTS!?

Some stupid motherfucking, cocksucking sonofabitch recently placed the following ad:

Free Bed Bugs/ Good Sabotage, Revenge (Midtown)

Do you hate your roommate and are moving out? Leave a fantastic goodbye present. Nothing says ‘Eff You!’ like some BEDBUGS. I have bedbugs safely stored in jars for the perfect sabotage. Free of charge, will meet anywhere. 

Ok, fine: who knows if this person is full of shit or not, but evenso: the whole idea of this just puts me at a code red level 9 suicide watch.

Do they have bedbugs in Canada? Alaska? Hawaii?? WHERE CAN I GOOOOOO????

(via Brick Underground)

I Will Bet You All A Million Dollars That There Are Bedbugs At The Pavilion

I'm seriously considering switching the name of this blog to Bedbugs in Park Slope...what do you think?

Look, you people do whatever the fuck you want. But as for me, I have already added the Pavilion movie theater to the growing list of places that I will never, ever, ever, ever, step foot in again. 

I will admit that I am currently completely bedbug obsessed, however, this Pavilion sitch comes up on a weekly motherfucking basis via emails from all y'all, and other news stories around the blogosphere. And where there's smoke, there's usually fire.

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Bedbugs at the Pavilion. Again. And Again.

 We don't talk about bedbugs here for our health, people.  Despite our constant chatter about these adorable, cuddly houseguests, we actually have things we'd rather be writing about.  But guess what?  The fucking Pavilion apparently has them, so we're being forced to ruin your morning coffee yet again.  We're good at that.

The sort-of facts: There's rumor of another bedbug infestation at the Pavilion, as we suspected a while ago (they heartily denied it).  This time, both Brownstoner and Gothamist are reporting about this post from The Bedbug Registry:

A few days ago I was leaving the Theatre with my girlfriend at around 11:55 pm when I saw a bunch of men with large crates and hoses in the lobby, I asked what was going on and he said that Bed Bugs had been found in all of the older theatres with the Purple seats. Then I was at the Windsor Cafe Yesterday when I overheard some people saying that even more Bed Begs were found on the first floor of the building.

What the motherfuck, guys?  Can the Pavilion actually get any worse?  Can we learn enough of a lesson to stop having faith that the Pavilion is not actually the seventh layer of hell?  Is the Pavilion going to sue us for defamation?  Should I have put this shit into a pen name?  What the hell did this guy Zufishan mean when he said, "You can not hide from the loud in a plastic bag" in his Yelp review of this god forsaken place? THE QUESTIONS, WILL THEY EVER STOP?

But seriously.  Unless you're some sort of masochist, just stop going to this place until we get some sort of clear-cut answer about this sitch (not that we understand why you go there in the first place; you'd be better off throwing yourself in front of the F [but please don't do it during rush hour...again]).

Are There Bedbugs Living In Those Crappy, Dirty, Purple Seats at the Pavillion?

Fuck, now I gotta choose between getting shot at Court Street or getting bedbugs at the Pavillion!?

From brooklynpotter on Brooklynian:

"One of my board members told me that there's a giant bedbug problem at the Pavillion--another reason not to go..."

Look people, I've got no idea if this shit is true or not. Gawd knows Brooklynians whine about all sorts of bullshit, and there ain't no telling what's for real and what's not.  But since getting bedbugs is currently the single thing I am *most* afraid of in this world (followed by: falling down the subway steps in front of a thousand people, getting pushed into a moving subway as someone tries to pass by me too closely, pigeons and clowns), I'm gonna be taking this pretty fuckin seriously.

Back to Regal Battery Park it is.