Your FiPS Guide to Finding a Last-Minute Valentine's Day Date

I hesitate to mention that it’s almost Valentine’s Day, because, I know for most FiPS readers, it’s painful to talk about it still, to this day.  But if you’re still obsessing over the precise moment that love died for you the last time, maybe it’s time for you to crawl out of that dirty bathtub you've been sleeping in, put some clothes on, and try to find someone new to date. You can do this, lame-ass!

Since you’re used to dating people with borderline personality disorders, we’ve gone ahead  and done some legwork for you by turning to the most obvious place that anyone would look for a suitable candidate for your next just-aborted-at-the-last-possible-moment-before-it's-too-late-murder-suicide pact: Craigslist!

From the "Strictly Platonic" postings:

Hey there! So I'm stuck with a broken leg, but I haven't forgotten how to have fun! Maybe we can play board games? Or head to the park near my place? Or head somewhere that we can race me (and you?) in a wheelchair perhaps. I'm open to any and all ideas!

Okay.  This might be under the heading of "strictly platonic," but this guy is clearly desperate to be in a dysfunctional relationship. My suggestion for Ballentime's Day? Take a DVD of "Misery" to his house, tell him people compare you to Kathy Bates all the time, and ask if he notices the resemblance.    

From an ad entitled: "BAM, IFC, WFMU, MoMA - 44 (Park Slope)"

A few of the places frequented to soak in sights and sounds. Low key, creative WM here in the Slope, divorced, no kids, looking for dates and open to LTR. Big fan of checking out cultural outposts like above for film, art, music, love to travel, I SCUBA dive when I can, and want to visit a whole slew of places on the checklist (Australia, NZ, South America big hopefuls). Looking for independent minded, open, good-spirited. Work in media, flexible in my extracurricular time, like to hang with friends but bars aren't my #1 fave go-to's, though I'm happy to go to 'em, especially to see music (I play some too). But a night home cooking/flick-watching is just as sweet. Let's chat!

Lookit. I'm a huge fan of sentence fragments, so I'm really not clear why this guy is divorced. He's clearly interested in traveling to places like Australia, New Zealand, South America and Big Hopefuls. I've been to two of those four, myself, and I hope to visit Big Hopefuls, someday. If I can find a flight, that is.  He sounds delightful, so I think we should all e-mail him immediately. Whether or not bars are our #1 fave go-tos. Keep an open mind. After all, he does!

From a posting, entitled: Like Anime and have Skype? - m4w - 30 (Park Slope)

I'm gonna be the straight with this. I'm looking for a woman who needs attention and is looking for a nice guy who will be with her. I'm a puerto rican man looking to meet a girl, talk on skype for a bit then meet up for a date. If more happens then so be it but no rushing things since there are creepers. Please be a geek of geeks and a pervert. Message me your favorite anime or comic book in subject and in message give me your skype name. Aol is also ok

Here are the red flags with this post: (1) First of all, if you're really Puerto Rican, how do you not know to capitalize the words "Puerto" and "Rican."  I mean, I don't mean to quibble, but no matter how hot Puerto Rican guys are, if you're a self-hating Boricua, I don't know that anyone should be bothered to deal with your shit; (2) Anime; (3) Skype; (4) it's a Craigslist ad.

Finally, we come to this:

Intimate V Day Party - m4mw - m4w (Park Slope)
Being single on this valentines day I have been inspired to throw an intimate party with 6 to 8 like minded people. Planning to host in my comfortable Park Slope apt where we can eat drink and follow our impulses. I am a headerasexual man who is disease free (an wants to keep it that way) and looking for females, couples, and possible the right male to celebrate with. A key-party of sorts. If we enjoy this we could make it an ongoing thing. Please send a pic and some information about yourself. I will be in touch with those who I think will mix well.

At the outset, I must note that if this is truly a "valentines day" (your capitalization and punctuation, not mine) party, it will axiomatically not be an "ongoing thing." I don't really know what "headerasexual" is, but let's just put that to the side, for now. If you are truly disease free, and if you're serious about wanting to keep it that way, maybe you should think about the fact that hosting a Valentine's Day orgy in your apartment is pretty much an invitation to getting infected with antibiotic-resistent gonorrhea. Sure, they've got drug cocktails that will prolong your life if you've got AIDS. You can apply Valtrex, if you've got herpes. But now that you know that there are strains of gonorrhea that are impervious to anti-biotics, think about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with painful, burning urination.

You're welcome.