Top Ten Reasons GQ Magazine's Eater's Guide to Brooklyn is Horse Shit

From GQ.com

Full disclosure: I haven't picked up an issue of GQ since the mid 80's. I don't really know what kind of douchebag lifestyle angle they're working these days (does every third page still reek of Drakkar Noir?), but they completely screwed the pooch with their Eater's Guide to Brooklyn. They do acknowledge that Brooklyn is the coolest city on the planet (FUCK YOU Amsterdam! Snap!), but as a food guide, this shit blows. So here, for your personal edification, are my Top Ten Reasons GQ Magazine's Eater's Guide to Brooklyn is Horse Shit.

10. Obligatory Mention of Roberta's in Bushwick.  It is official: Roberta's is completely overexposed.  Just once, I'd like to see someone write something up about food in Brooklyn without crapping their pants over the hipster doofus wood-fired pizzas at Roberta's. I don't care how good the pizza is, because it's still not Di Fara.

9. No Mention of Di Fara's.  Or even Grimaldi's, which is frankly more what I'd expect from them, since they don't seem to want to ride further than three stops into Brooklyn to find a restaurant to write about. Pizza is a big deal in Brooklyn, and it's pretty lame that they didn't bother to explore the best of the best.

8.  It's Supposed to Be a Guide to Eating, Not a Guide to Restaurants. There's a lot more going on with foodie culture in Brooklyn than merely talking about the restaurant scene. Since Brooklyn residents aren't all crammed into apartments the size of shoe boxes, some of us actually cook food for ourselves. You can't swing a dead cat in this borough without hitting a CSA distribution site. Fleisher's return to Park Slope is a story in and of itself. In Brooklyn, terrific specialty shops like Bierkraft are abound. Write about some of that why don't you?

7.  The Term "Guide" Implies Useful Information Will Be Imparted.  OK. I want to know what the rules are for grilling in Prospect Park. Post some handy tips for getting out of your co-op shift. Tell us how to find a parking space at the 3rd Ave. Costco on a Saturday at 1 p.m. Any guide worth its salt is going to have to provide helpful info like that.  "There are restaurants in Brooklyn, and here are the names of some of them" is not a guide. NOT A GUIDE!

6.  Um, Cocktails?  Drinking goes hand-in-hand with eating, right? The herb-infused cocktails at Applewood are superb. The "tour" at Brooklyn Brewery is one of the best day drinking experiences you'll ever have.  And while they gave props to Char No. 4's Bourbon Bloody Mary, they completely neglected to mention that they have a serious whiskey bar with over 150 bourbons!  Over 150!  That's almost more than you can try in one sitting!

5.  Any Guide to Brooklyn Food Needs to Say Something About Cortelyou Road.  So, it's a Brooklyn-wide list, right? If you're tuned into what's going on food-wise in Brooklyn, you've gotta know that there's some really exciting stuff happening in Ditmas Park. Sam Sifton called the adobo chicken at Purple Yam one of the best dishes in New York City. The Farm on Adderley is foodie heaven. They've got a gastropub, a wine bar, a year-round green market, a food co-op that doesn't require you to work a shift, a flower shop where there's a bar in the back and Tibetan cuisine (of all things)! All of these are within the stretch of a few blocks. It's going on down there, ppl!

4.  Too Many A-List Restaurants are Missing.  Yeah, they've got Peter Luger, Fette Sau and Prime Meats on the list, but there are other restaurants that have long been the royalty of the Brooklyn food scene, and they're not here. Places like al di la, River Café and Grocery have been churning out consistently good food for many, many years and that's kind of incredible, when you think about it. Restaurants in Brooklyn sustain -- ya know what I mean?

3.  The Guide is Too Damned Hard to Read.  The sections aren't formatted consistently. The banners they use to separate the sections look like advertisements. They don't link to any of the restaurants they mention, nor do they even give you an address or phone number. But the most egregious thing about the way GQ has put it together is that they completely buried the biggest thing in Brooklyn food during the past year: Brooklyn Fare. A restaurant in the back of a food shop, without a liquor license gets three Michelin stars? And it's in Brooklyn?! That should have been the lede! Instead, they do this bullshit teaser and link to a different story they wrote about it, so that it's not even really part of the guide.  Oh, and they put it in the middle of the article, so you have to click away from the guide to get to that story. Ugh. When your articles look like that kind of a shitshow, do you really think I'm gonna listen to your advice on what kind of shirts I should be wearing this season?

2.  Doesn't Anyone Eat Dessert Anymore? There are more than two million people in Brooklyn, and if you read this article, you'd think that the only decent option we'd have to satisfy our sweet tooths (teeth?) would be a single bakery that makes red velvet cake.  Pfft. How about starting with the fro-yo at Culture?

1. Virtually No Mention of Park Slope.  Yeah, so it's a Brooklyn-wide list, which is why I made my criticisms Brooklyn-wide. But this guide really seems to be all about Williamsburg and BoCoCa. The sole mention of Park Slope was the shout-out to Café Grumpy.  That's rong. R-O-N-G. Park Slope has as much, if not more, going on food-wise than any other neighborhood.  Condé Nast owes us an apology.