STATE OF THE BOROUGH: Marty Markowitz Has Issues

I'm starting to think it's time for our unmedicated esteemed borough president Marty Markowitz to retire to Century Village or Naples, FL where he can ride his tricycle in peace.

Don't we have term limits around here? His schtick is getting old.

Here's Marty mocking the recent PPW bike lane controversy by riding his adult tricycle into last week's State of the Borough address (with a Junior's cheesecake in his basket, no less). Hysterical, right?

He closed out the festivities with the classy pole dancer above. And, of course,  had other bits of spectacle in between like the national texting champion (who hails from East New York), and the new Mr. Universe, who took off his shirt for the crowd. All with a backdrop of projections of Markowitz posing with celebs like Brooklyn Decker and Beyonce. Oy.

Click to read more ...

LOCO FOR LOKO: BROOKLYN ASSEMBLYMAN GETS SHITFACED FOR SCIENCE

There's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics: For those of you who have never had the pleasure of attending a Brooklyn PTA meeting, one of the most annoying parts about them (which is like saying "one of the worst parts of cancer") is having these PTA jerkoffs standing around name-dropping Z-list "borough celebrities" and diddling each others' self-importance clits while keeping their arms folded and their heads a'nod.

So granted, while there's nothing gayer than being "into" local Brooklyn politics, even *I* had to learn a Brooklyn Assemblyman's name after he performed this heroically ridiculous stunt in the name of lawmaking:

Here's Assemblyman FELIX ORTIZ (a local rising star and a name to watch out for) downing 2.5 cans of Four Loko before puking and shitting his pants in front of a scruffy "doctor" and hot milfy "newswoman."

The ONLY way that I could possibly give Ortiz more props is if he had simultaneously decided to test the Health Department's statistics on STDs in the Latin American community by mounting the blonde newswoman and entering her without protection.

It'd be a sacrifice, sure, but I'm sure a public servant like Ortiz would be willing to do almost ANYTHING for the sake of the community. 

Fave part of the video -- better than watching Ortiz down that putrid shit or try to walk a straight line afterwards -- is at 2:02 when the American doctor pronounces GUARANA with a Spanish accent like some douchebag language-studies major saying "en-chee-LA-tha" to the guy behind the counter at Uncle Moe's. 

It's so awesome that Ortiz would do this. I will vote for him in every election for the rest of my life to keep him in office forever like King George, even though I don't know if that's possible because I don't know if "Assemblymen" have term limits or even what they do. 

I feel fine about this guy being in office FOREVER, regardless of his policies. Who cares what he thinks about the issues anyway? Nothing he could ever do could POSSIBLY affect a single human life. 

Where's Your Fucking Polling Place?

Yo, so today is election day and you should VOTE!

+ If you don't know where the fuck your polling place is, go hurr and just type in your address thingy.

+ If you're looking for some additional reasons NOT to vote for Carl Paladino for Governor, this might help: Paladino Parties With Guy In Blackface, Plays Dead Son Card.

+ If you see anyone actually voting for Paladino and you want to report them for wrong-doing, you can just Tweet it with the hashtag #nycvotes. Fun!

+ And there's way more social media election fun over HERE.

+ In case you're wondering how fucked us Democrats are gonna be, word on the street is VERY VERY FUCKED: Your 2010 Election Preview.

+ And speaking of getting fucked, Babeland is giving out free vibrators to any mofo who votes! Here are the deets: visit our retail stores on election day, Tuesday, November 2, tell us you voted, and we’ll give you a FREE silver bullet vibrator ($15 value), no purchase necessary.  Online: At Babeland.com, we’ll include the silver bullet vibrator with any purchase on November 2, simply type in the code “110210” at checkout. While supplies last.

See you btchz at P.S. 321 in the morn!...or Babeland! Whatevs!

THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH

There are a million things I could say, but lordy lordy, I think an "AMEN" is just sufficient enough.

Via Gawker TV

More on Urlesque

Paladino Can Go Fuck Himself Right In His Fucking Face

Dudez: if this asshole Paladino gets elected to Governor this *might* actually be enough to get me to consider leaving NYC.

From the NYT:

"The Republican candidate for governor, Carl P. Paladino, told a gathering in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, on Sunday that children should not be “brainwashed” into thinking that homosexuality was acceptable, and criticized his opponent, Attorney General Andrew M. Cuomo, for marching in a gay pride parade earlier this year."

He was talking to a group of Orthodox Jewish leaders, who were apparently eating up everything he had to say. Which makes me feel embarrassed to be a Jew...except that I'm guessing most Jews totally disagree with him. Also, am I REALLY not supposed to make a joke about the fact that this all went down in Billyburg?? Really??

Anyway, in case you're wondering where FIPS stands in the race for Governor, I'm ready to sell all my worldly fucking possessions to ensure that douchebag Paladino doesn't get elected.

CUOMO FOR GOV!