If You Own A Car With A Car Alarm, I Think You Should Be Fined And/Or Jailed

Like even if the thing isn't going off. I mean it.

That's how much I fucking hate car alarms.

WHATINTHEMOTHERFUCKINGFUCK is the purpose of a car alarm in 2011. WHAAAAAAAT?

I'll tell you what the purpose is, cause there is one and only one: to annoy the living shit out of everyone, everywhere.

Finito.

And apparently Stoop Mama feels the same way, cause she's penned a hilarious rant to the idiot who's car was parked on 13th Street the other day and had his or her alarm going off for four hours straight.

"Here’s the thing: it’s not a deterrent. I couldn’t. Care. Less if someone steals your car. Seriously. Nobody is calling the police. Nobody is jumping up from behind their MacBooks shouting “Oh my WORD! It sounds like crime is afoot! Come on everybody! Let’s form a community watch and stop the car thief!”.  That’s not happening...95% of the time your badass Viper alarm goes off when the fucking wind blows, or when a Fresh Direct truck rumbles by on their way to deliver someone’s case of Pampers and bundle of kale. It’s almost never an actual thief. Even if it is someone with malicious intentions, odds are nobody will help save your car. We’re too busy rummaging through junk drawers for a sharpie so we can scrawl an expletive-filled note for your windshield."

Preach, sista. Preach on.

PARK SLOPE PARKING WARS: 'Dear Asshole'...

So my old gal on the street, Dot, strikes again. This time a source close to her woke Monday morning to find this note on his car. According to Dot (as told by the owner) the car was parked on Prospect Park West and he only took the spot after he noticed someone else was having trouble parking there. He maintains that he did not hit the car -- it must've been the car who was trying to pull in before him.

He said to Dot (and she agreed) that the handwriting was clearly feminine and he questioned the mechanics of a woman being able to piss on his doorhandle without it being quite the scene.

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Is Parking in The Slope Even *More* Of A Clusterfuck Now?

Please consider giving up your parking spot today to help out a unionist in need.

About a month ago, I was down on 5th Avenue when I happened upon a truckload of burly union workers wanting to talk with me about a calamity heading toward a street corner near me.

Coming off Wisconsin's whole labor busting sitch, I thought this meant there must be serious shit going down. There was literature. There were earnest Carhardt clad men importuning me on every corner. There was even a big-ass utility workers truck. They needed me! Little old me could lend my voice to their plight and help save their rights.

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FIPS WTF: Gigantic Traffic Sign on Union Street?

After witnessing a full-blown fight over the last rosemary rotisserie chicken at Union Market on 6th Ave (apparently you can call ahead and reserve a bird), a Union Street resident who will only identify herself as "Dot," thought she'd really lived through it all. That was until she reached 7th ave and saw a huge traffic sign warning drivers: CAUTION SLOW DOWN. CONSTRUCTION AHEAD. EASTERN PARKWAY.

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[AYFKMWTS] Free Parking For Pregnant Women?

Yep.

As we all know, mommyhood has it's privileges...especially around this joint. And now councilman David Greenfield would like to make it more offish, so he's introduced a bill that would grant pregnant moms-to-be the most coveted privilege in NYC: free parking.

"The women could then park for free in no-parking or no-standing zones until 30 days after their expected due dates - a cushion of time for those whose deliveries come later than expected - or who need to recover from childbirth complications."

Gotta say, Councilman Greenfield: isn't this really just scratching the surface here!? I mean, what about free car service fares? Subway metro cards? I bet the Food Coop would agree to lending out a few of their "walkers" and then pregnant women could get pushed around in those food carts! What about free rent!? Free food!? This is a real issue! Moms deserve better!

Sheesh.

(Bumpershine via The Daily News)