Whassup: No More Vortex Edition

via ynefesh.com

Well, you've survived the Polar Vortex. (Unless you haven't, in which case, stop reading blogs, ghost.) No doubt we are all scarred by the horrid frigidness we have endured. You deserve something warm to bring the feeling back to your fingertips and to coax your testicles back out of your abdomen: the burn of whiskey-neat down your throat, the palm rosening of vigorous applause, the sexy shaking of one's booty. So, shed your unflattering parka and enjoy some of Brooklyn. Welcome to Whassup: No More Vortex Edition: 

* Friday, Jan. 10: Dave Hill's Bathroom Secrets, Union Hall: The only thing better about this show than its ridiculous/awesome name ("Meet Me in the Bathroom and Tell Me All Your Secrets") is the fact that the ridiculously awesome Dave Hill is at the helm. Also, it ACTUALLY TAKES PLACE IN THE BATHROOM!! Jk, that's not true. But Dave Hill will charm the laughter right out of you with his understated weirdness. Fantastic comedian Jackie Kashian headlines the music and comedy variety show. 8pm, $10.

* Sunday, Jan 12: No Pants Subway, Old Stone House: This thing just seems to me like another big, stupid, dumb thing much like that stupid Santa Con thing. But, hey, some of you might like Santa Con, too. So, go be pantsless in public. As long as you don't have gross legs. Be honest with yourself. Anyway, one of the meetup points will be in the Slope at the Old Stone House, 3pm. 

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Whassup: It's 2014 Edition

One of us! (via nydailynews)

Welp, Brooklyn, another year is in the bag, and now one of our own is boss of the whole damn city. That's right, NYC, you've been Brooklyned! Of course, the Brooklynning of NY has been long in coming, but this puts a nice Dodgers cap on the whole thing. As you think back wistfully on the year that was and pray away the remnants of your NYE hangover, take pride in living in the new center of New York. I'm kidding, of course. De Blasio's already high-tailed it into Manhattan. But you're still here, so load up on the aspirin, and keep enjoying what Brooklyn has to offer. Welcome to Whassup: It's 2014 Edition:

* Friday, Jan. 3: Creative Advising, LaunchPad: Of course you're a creative professional/artist! You live in Brooklyn, after all. So, with the New Year, get that itchy idea-part of your brain scratched by consulting with Nessa Norich. A director, actor and writer, with productions in NY, London and New Orleans, she's offering free advice on how to get your creative project moving. If nothing else, maybe she can just shame you for being lazy. 6pm-9pm, FREE. 

* Friday, Jan. 3: 50 First Jokes, Bell House: New Year, new jokes. Fifty NY comedians will each get the mic for one and only one joke -- their first of 2014 (if they're being honest). I went last year, and the comedians also ended up ad-libbing some passive-aggressive comments about the previous comedian's joke. And those: also funny. 8pm, $10-$12.

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Whassup: Last of 2013 Edition

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By the time this week is over, you will never again be able to sign 2013 on a check. Unless you back-date a few checks. But my point is: 2013 will soon die a peaceful death, its observers mostly drunk out of their minds and making out in gross ways in front of Dick Clark. Before we get all silly making resolutions we don't intend to keep, lets send 2013 out the right way: drunk out of our minds and making out in gross ways with Dick Clark nowhere in sight. Welcome to Whassup: Last of 2013 Edition: 

* Friday, Dec. 27: Tea and Jam, Tea Lounge: The Lounge's regular jazz jam earns a rare weekend spot today to celebrate the New Year. Read: spots tend open up around the holidays, so the jazzists took advantage. Well, good for them. There's probably more talent in their collective little fingers than in whatever improv comedy troupe would regularly hold this slot. Do it up classy, Park Slope: see some jazz in a place called a lounge. Don't worry: they serve alcohol alongside the caffeine. 9pm, FREE. 

* Friday, Dec. 27: Head On: 2013 vs. 2003, Bell House: Yep, it's been 10 years since it's been 10 years since 1993. That means you can have a decades dance battle about recent music that plays nothing from the '90s. Perhaps this is not a shock to you, but excuse me while I go apply to AARP. Anyway, Head On here pits dance music from the still-young new millennium against dance music from the unlucky '13. Move your butt right to decide the winning year. 10pm, FREE.

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Whassup: Rated X-Mas Edition

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So, this is Christmas. I love this time of the year in Park Slope, because they string holiday decorations across 5th Ave, and it looks a lot like the Main Street in the small town where I grew up. Except here, everything in the stores costs 10-billion dollars. And is so much cooler. But, whether you're a dirty gentrifier from bumfuck nowhere like me, or an native Brooklynite angry at same, please take this cup of cheer. And by cheer, I mean craft-brewed beer. Welcome to Whassup: Rated X-Mas Edition:

* THIS WEEK: Discount Wieners, Bark: The last thing we here at FiPS want is for any of you dear readers to want for wieners. So, we let you know yesterday that hot-dog emporium Bark is offering its tubes of wonder at 15% off this week. And if you're reading this events column, searching for things to do that may or may not involve penis-shaped foods, you're in luck! The bratfest continues until Christmas Eve, when all of Santa's Little Elves will come to eat the remainder. 

* Thursday, Dec. 19: Philippines Fundraiser, Uncle Barry's: Nonprofit All Hands Volunteers is hosting a fundraiser for the Philippines, in light of the devastating recent typhoon. You don't have to make a set donation -- you can come, hear about All Hands, and give dollars if you want. Or, if you decide you'd rather just go with Red Cross, you can get drunk at Uncle Barry's and pretend that's the only reason you were there. 8pm. 

* Friday, Dec. 20: Lakeside Opening, Prospect Park: All that construction that's been going on around the Lakeside section of Prospect Park comes to fruition today, when the Samuel J. and Ethel LeFrak Center's two skating rinks open, alongside 26 acres of refurbished park along the lake. Come see what extensive gentrification and a city committed to green spaces can get you. It will be a really nice place for the stockbrokers who will replace you in this neighborhood. 9am.

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Whassup: Bright Lights, Slushy City Edition

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The weather's dancing around the freezing point these days, which means any precipitation is gonna get really gross in this city. And Saturday looks like snow. So, yeah: beautiful New York at Christmastime. You can lament the greyness of the winter cityscape, go gawk at the pretty lights at Rockefeller Plaza -- or just stay in Brooklyn, get real drunk and have fun. Whassup recommends that latter. Welcome to Whassup: Bright Lights, Slushy City Edition:  

* Through Wednesday, Dec. 18: Dunham Holiday Market, 7 Dunham Place: You can still buy locally made gidgets and hoodads before Jesus arrives on his sleigh of fire-breathing reindeer. Here, you can exchange legal tender and the concept of debt for vintage holiday sweaters and other clothes, jams and suchwhat comestibles from local farms, kombucha kits, and prettiness made by four local artists. Come today (Thursday) for a "Day-Before-Friday-the-13th" tattoo special. Vendors open 12pm-7pm.

* Thursday, Dec. 12, 2013: No Office Holiday Party, Littlefield: Ah, freelancing/semi-employment: it's awesome, because: no excruciating office parties. But also, it sucks, because: social isolation. Get the best of both worlds, by leaving your couch/the Tea Lounge's couch to join in Brokelyn's No Office Holiday Party. Here, you can rub elbows with other freelancers and probably hook up (let's be honest) -- without any awkwardness around the water cooler the next morning. Entertainments include live-band karaoke, folks termed "Sexy Santa and Lady Santa," and music by the Handjob Academy. (So, yes, this is a bit more risqué than your usual office party.) 7:30pm-1am, $6-$8.

* Friday, Dec. 13-Monday, Dec. 16: Yo La Tengo's Hannukah, Bell House: Historically (since da '90s), NJ institution Yo La Tengo has played a run of shows around Hannukah at fellow NJ institution, Maxwell's in Hoboken. With the sad closure of Maxwell's this summer, it looks like Bell House gets the holiday shows (at least for this year). The run starts more than a week after Hannukah ended, but expect the same encyclopedic cover knowledge and bracing contrast of mellow and punkish volume that Yo La Tengo always provides. 9pm Fri and Sat, 8:30pm Sun and Mon, $30 each night.

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