Whassup: No More Vortex Edition

via ynefesh.com

Well, you've survived the Polar Vortex. (Unless you haven't, in which case, stop reading blogs, ghost.) No doubt we are all scarred by the horrid frigidness we have endured. You deserve something warm to bring the feeling back to your fingertips and to coax your testicles back out of your abdomen: the burn of whiskey-neat down your throat, the palm rosening of vigorous applause, the sexy shaking of one's booty. So, shed your unflattering parka and enjoy some of Brooklyn. Welcome to Whassup: No More Vortex Edition: 

* Friday, Jan. 10: Dave Hill's Bathroom Secrets, Union Hall: The only thing better about this show than its ridiculous/awesome name ("Meet Me in the Bathroom and Tell Me All Your Secrets") is the fact that the ridiculously awesome Dave Hill is at the helm. Also, it ACTUALLY TAKES PLACE IN THE BATHROOM!! Jk, that's not true. But Dave Hill will charm the laughter right out of you with his understated weirdness. Fantastic comedian Jackie Kashian headlines the music and comedy variety show. 8pm, $10.

* Sunday, Jan 12: No Pants Subway, Old Stone House: This thing just seems to me like another big, stupid, dumb thing much like that stupid Santa Con thing. But, hey, some of you might like Santa Con, too. So, go be pantsless in public. As long as you don't have gross legs. Be honest with yourself. Anyway, one of the meetup points will be in the Slope at the Old Stone House, 3pm. 

* Monday, Jan. 13-Friday, Jan. 17: Wall Running, Brooklyn Lyceum: It's the closest you're going to get to being Lionel Richie. And maybe that's a good thing. But, it's also probably really fun. These "Ground Aerial Workshops," taking place in the ample space of the Brooklyn Lyceum, teach you how to dance along the walls, while suspended by bungees. Oh, right, Spider-Man. Spider-Man is the reference I should have made, not Lionel Richie. But I ask you -- has anyone ever seen them in the same room? Various Times, $180.

* Tuesday, Jan. 14: Chocolate Party!, Bell House: Chocolate. Party. Do I really have to sell this? Is there anything I can say that will make you want to go to a frickin' CHOCOLATE PARTY more than you already do? Just go to the fucking chocolate party, already. 7pm-9pm, $20.

* Tuesday, Jan. 14: Mortified, Littlefield: I kind of resent that this is the exact same concept as "Cringe" over at Freddy's, yet this one seems to have received recognition from major media outlets, including The Onion AV Club. Could it be it was first with the idea? Could it be that it's not that hard an idea to come up with? In any event, it's a great idea: people read mortifying (or cringe-worthy, if you prefer) texts from their adolescent years: journal entries, poems, lyrics, short stories where darkness is used as a metaphor for despair. It's really fascinating how the super-seriousness of teenage-hood becomes just fucking hilarious when viewed in retrospect. 8pm, $10-$15.

* COMING UP: 

* Saturday, Jan. 25: Brooklyn Half, Prospect Park: It might not seem like the best time to talk about running through the park in the midst of a Coldmaggedon (Apocalypsicle? FrozEnd Times? I'm open to suggestions). But, you marathoners and half-marathoners and really anyone who willingly runs long distances are crazy, anyway. So have at it: you can now register for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, set to stream sweatily if not warmly through Prospect Park on Jan. 25. $50.