Whassup: Rated X-Mas Edition

via dorkdimension.com

So, this is Christmas. I love this time of the year in Park Slope, because they string holiday decorations across 5th Ave, and it looks a lot like the Main Street in the small town where I grew up. Except here, everything in the stores costs 10-billion dollars. And is so much cooler. But, whether you're a dirty gentrifier from bumfuck nowhere like me, or an native Brooklynite angry at same, please take this cup of cheer. And by cheer, I mean craft-brewed beer. Welcome to Whassup: Rated X-Mas Edition:

* THIS WEEK: Discount Wieners, Bark: The last thing we here at FiPS want is for any of you dear readers to want for wieners. So, we let you know yesterday that hot-dog emporium Bark is offering its tubes of wonder at 15% off this week. And if you're reading this events column, searching for things to do that may or may not involve penis-shaped foods, you're in luck! The bratfest continues until Christmas Eve, when all of Santa's Little Elves will come to eat the remainder. 

* Thursday, Dec. 19: Philippines Fundraiser, Uncle Barry's: Nonprofit All Hands Volunteers is hosting a fundraiser for the Philippines, in light of the devastating recent typhoon. You don't have to make a set donation -- you can come, hear about All Hands, and give dollars if you want. Or, if you decide you'd rather just go with Red Cross, you can get drunk at Uncle Barry's and pretend that's the only reason you were there. 8pm. 

* Friday, Dec. 20: Lakeside Opening, Prospect Park: All that construction that's been going on around the Lakeside section of Prospect Park comes to fruition today, when the Samuel J. and Ethel LeFrak Center's two skating rinks open, alongside 26 acres of refurbished park along the lake. Come see what extensive gentrification and a city committed to green spaces can get you. It will be a really nice place for the stockbrokers who will replace you in this neighborhood. 9am.

* Friday, Dec. 20: Red Hot Chili Peppers, ON SALE (Barclays): I realize that the Chili Peppers at this point (and, honestly, long before this point) constitute lame corporate rock. Time was, however, when they were part of the onslaught of "alternative" in the mid-90's. "Under the Bridge" felt so honest and real after years of hair metal. And you know what, it's still a good song. And their later albums have some really pretty harmonies, even if every single seems to be about the same thing: California in the summer. Also, Flea: still a kick-ass bassist. So, anyway, today you can buy tickets to this big show at our borough's big arena. Opening will be J Roddy Walston, a very good garage/blues-rock performer/wearer of leather jackets. The show arrives Feb. 1, 7pm. Tickets onsale today, 10am, $80-$350. 

* Friday, Dec. 20: Brooklyn Country Holiday, Union Hall: The roots-minded musicians from Roots Cafe, along with similarly Americana-inclined friends, want to countrify your Christmas. This is an especially good time to see the folks from Roots, as the ridiculously welcoming cafe goes through a major transition (see below). 7:30pm, $10. 

* Saturday, Dec. 21: Harry Potter Yule Ball, Bell House: I've been told by some who have attended this event in years past that it draws out the weirdos. So, take that as you will. But, if you're really into the Potterverse, you might be just the sort of weirdo this event calls for. It's a good excuse, anyway, to wear a striped scarf, a pair of spectacles, and, I don't know, ride around on a broom for awhile. 6pm, $18.

* Saturday, Dec. 21: High-Speed "Christmas Carol" Reading, Freddy's: In a new annual Christmas tradition in South Slope, a group of area literary folks (is there any other type of folk in Brooklyn?) will speed-read through Dickens' "A Christmas Carol." You know the drill: bah! humbug, four ghosts, Christmas turkey, "God bless us, everyone." But, this time -- fast and drunk. 11pm, FREE. 

* Sunday, Dec. 22: Roots Hello/Goodbye Party, Roots Cafe: Found out, on the same day I saw the really sad news that Red Horse Cafe, one of the best coffee shops in Park Slope, was closing, that Roots Cafe, likewise one of the best, was set for major changes. The founders and current owners are selling off the business in order to concentrate on parenthood. But the cafe will carry on under the trusted hands of some of their good friends. This holiday party wishes farewell to the old, and welcomes in the new. Auld lang syne, and all that. There'll be community music, revelry and probably so much Christmas spirit, you will just lose it. 8pm, FREE (BYOB).

* Monday, Dec. 23: Night Train w/Wyatt Cenac, Littlefield: This just-before-the-holiday edition of Cenac's standup show already boasts some kickass talent: Todd Barry, Janeane Garofalo, and more. PLUS -- they promise "EXTRA SPECIAL GUESTS." It's a big, Christmas show, so could be some big names. David Cross? Louis CK? A comedy nerd can dream. 8pm, $5-$8.

* Tuesday, Dec. 24: Christmas BBQ, BrisketTown: The brisket-and-BBQ phenomenon that is Delaney BBQ wants to feed you deliciousness on the night when even mice don't stir. The brisket, alone, will probably make you fall in love with everything that exists. Make reservations through christmas@delaneybbq.com. Seatings at 5:30pm and 8pm, $65 per guest. 

* NOW OPEN: Whole Foods, Gowanus: [http://www.fuckedinparkslope.com/home/lots-o-local-shit-at-new-whole-foods-opening-today.html] In case you have not been paying attention the last several years around here, the Slope area has long been promised a Whole Foods. And, now, it is here. Arrived Tuesday, to be precise. And as FiPS' own Felicia outlined [http://www.fuckedinparkslope.com/home/lots-o-local-shit-at-new-whole-foods-opening-today.html], this is one big corporation that knows how to peddle to local-loving hipsters. The best of both worlds! They've got oodles of locally produced, artisanal awesome: from Four & Twenty Blackbirds' pies to Cafe Grumpy's decidedly non-grumpy java. Eat it. Eat all of it. Eat it so damn much.