BROOKLYN SERVES UP A SPECIAL DELIVERY

Lazy motherfuckers rejoice! The day has finally come, Brooklynites, that you don't need to leave your home for any reason. Your shitzu, Mimi, is walked 3 times a day by an app-based dog walker, all the food your gluttonous hearts desire is but a few click-clicks away on Seamless, Amazon Prime will rush all you impatient jerks your skivvies, Fresh Direct literally grocery shops for you, and now there's Parcel.

Parcel, a Brooklyn-based company, is the latest in a bunch of delivery options that vows to deliver when it's convenient for you. No doorman, no problem! Untrustworthy neighbors, no problem. Twelve story walk-up, no problem. Agoraphobia—ain't no thang. Tell ya what, they'd be head and shoulders on my mail carrier if they don't shit on my delivery, fold it into a paper airplane, and fire it through my front door from the sidewalk.  

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ATTENTION PARENTS OF REBELLIOUS TEENS, PRE-TEENS, AND TWEENS

Is your shitty kid giving you trouble lately? Little Timmy acting out while you’re trying to entertain the neighbors—putting contraband and turtle dung in their goody bags? Tiny Sally shaving the dog and teaching her kid sister naughty words? Care to exploit those little fuckers, essentially pinning a proverbial “kick me” sign on their little backs for the rest of time? Well, have I got the solution for you.

An "internationally established television company"—their description not mine—is searching for parents (sans souls) who need help transforming their child’s “out of control” behavior. It’s a new docu-realtiy series that promises to mount an intervention program sure to straighten your kid out. Perhaps they’ll enlist the help of a drill sergeant to scream in their darling faces, or humiliate them publicly through acts of physical or intestinal fortitude.

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WHASSUP: THE FINAL EDITION

Well, this is it, FIPSters. My last edition of WHASSUP. Please—don't shed a tear. It's been a good ride. I told you to do some shit. You may, or may not have done said shit. That's a symbiotic relationship that we enjoyed and ain't nobody shedding tears over sybiosis. 

I leave you with no fanfare, just these sage words. Keep mining the hood for new cool shit to do. Get analog in this virtual world and introduce yourself to your neighbors, give your bartender an extra tip, buy a homeless dude a cup of coffee, smile at someone on the sidewalk or subway, honk less, help an old lady cross the road. Basically, participate in the world around you. New York can be an amazing adventure, or very closed off. It all depends on how you choose to approach it. There's no good reason for us all to be isolated. Sure we live on top of each other with very little space to call our own. Make the most of it because you chose it.

So, for the last time, WHASSUP? This is WHASSUP:

Thursday, 10/9, Jon Ronson Invites You To…An Evening of Public Shaming: This look into the human psyche will make you think twice before you call out a co-worker for yanking it in the restroom on company time. $10, 7pm doors, 7:30pm show

Friday, 10/10, Love Child, Dinosaur BBQ Brooklyn: I’m sure Love Child is excellent and musically relevant, but I really only give a shit about the mac and cheeze. Yes, that’s cheeze with a Z. FREE, 10pm

Saturday, 10/11, Lakeside’s Backyard Jamboree, Prospect Park: I hope you’re up for some cousin lovin’ because this shit-kicker of an afternoon promises to delight even the “citiest” of city folk with their pumpkin decorating, line dancing, crafts, and all manner of shindig-ery. 11am-5pm 

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WHASSUP: LOTSO FUN EDITION

 

This edition offers a fair gathering of outings for the coming week. You got your music, you got your laughs, you got your food—a well-rounded sampler of things to do in our fine hood.

It's time to hold dear those memories of outdoor activities and embrace the cooler temperatures that are slowly creeping in. That doesn't mean you can't have fun. Don't go at it hermit-style by locking yourself in your apartment and eating bon-bons until you've lost feeling in your toes and none of your skinny jeans fit. Get out there and celebrate life!

What's going on in the hood this week? Whassup? This is WHASSUP: 

Thursday, 10/2, Storewide Tasting Night, Whole Foods Brooklyn: I’ve plugged this in the past, but I feel that it’s time for a comeback. I plan to treat it like the Home Town Buffet in retribution for every fucking $7 pepper I’ve had to buy at this place. FREE, 5pm-6pm

Friday, 10/3, The Mess Around—Soul and Funk Dance Party, The Rock Shop: I defy you to show me someone who doesn’t like throwing down all funk-like. Not possible. Everybody love it. $5, 10pm

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WHASSUP: FALL 2014 EDITION

It's hard to belive that Fall is here. The summer was so mild that it's almost impossible to tell that we've entered the season of pretty leaves and apple picking. For many, it's their favorite season—a final reprieve before the icy throws of winter.

This week is unlike any I've written. Almost all of the events were submitted by our followers, which means the people are listening. It also means I didn't have to bust my ass scrounging around for events this week. So...if you have a rad event you'd like to share, hit us up and we'll try to include it.

WHASSUP with user submitted events? This is WHASSUP: 

Friday, 9/26, The Wonderful World of Boning: Sex Ed With a Sense of Humor, Union Hall: As far as I’m concerned, “boning” is the ultimate term of endearment, and what better way to learn the ins and outs (see what I did there?) than to relive the horrors of middle school by watching sex ed videos with strangers?  I’ll bring the popcorn. $8, 7:30pm doors, 8pm show

Saturday, 9/27, V to Shining V, Soda Bar: Concerned about practicing safe boning? The women of Lady Parts Justice have some fun in store for you! You can learn all of the intricacies of protecting access to reproductive health while registering to vote. Yeah, we don’t see the connection either. FREE, 6pm-8pm

Sunday, 9/28, Atlantic Antic, Atlantic Avenue: If you’ve got a yearning for churros, alt. rock, and sock vendors, have I got the event for you. If you’ve been in these parts for a bit you’ve surely seen the shitshow that is Atlantic Antic. It’s street fair meets stoop sale meets too many people in one place meet road closings. FREE, 12pm-6pm

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