ATTENTION PARENTS OF REBELLIOUS TEENS, PRE-TEENS, AND TWEENS

Is your shitty kid giving you trouble lately? Little Timmy acting out while you’re trying to entertain the neighbors—putting contraband and turtle dung in their goody bags? Tiny Sally shaving the dog and teaching her kid sister naughty words? Care to exploit those little fuckers, essentially pinning a proverbial “kick me” sign on their little backs for the rest of time? Well, have I got the solution for you.

An "internationally established television company"—their description not mine—is searching for parents (sans souls) who need help transforming their child’s “out of control” behavior. It’s a new docu-realtiy series that promises to mount an intervention program sure to straighten your kid out. Perhaps they’ll enlist the help of a drill sergeant to scream in their darling faces, or humiliate them publicly through acts of physical or intestinal fortitude.

Either way, I’m already hooked. This shit doesn’t even exist yet, but I find myself pre-programming my DVR so I can tune in to this edgy time slot of cinematic mastery. Thank you reality television for exploiting us normals under the guise of help, love, counsel, intervention, or wife swapping glory. We're forever in your debt.