Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

It’s all Thanksgiving posts this week as we’ll be off next week. I have to start by thanking Karen and Erica for letting me write here over a year ago.  If you’re interested in writing here too, send them an email and they’ll see what you’ve got. The perks include an incredible break room. It’s two floors with a firehouse pole connecting them. But you’ll have to beat me in arm wrestling before you start. 

WANTED: Thanksgiving Models

First post. Uh, another one of those creepy no-pay all-murder modeling gigs. If you decide to go to this bring a friend. And a taser. Maybe have a swat team waiting outside ready to bust in when you say the word. What’s the word? I think I could work “groovy” pretty seamlessly into any conversation.

EVENT: Fucksgiving

Lonely. Did you ever notice how much colder it gets around the holidays? That’s just winter, bro. It’s a season that includes a drastic climate change. Get out of your own head for a second. There is something to feeling more bummed in the winter. It’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder. You might already know that but the fact that its acronym is SAD is the silliest thing ever.

“You hear from Devon lately?”

“Nah, she hasn’t left her apartment since October. She’s got SAD.”

Oh uh. This post is for holiday themed swinger parties.

FOR SALE: Thanksgiving plates

The most disgusting thing you can do with your Thanksgiving food is to put cranberry sauce on your turkey. If something dark and red is dripping off your meat it better be blood. Not fucking jam. Actually, even if it’s blood, you should have let it rest. How are your protein molecules supposed to reabsorb moisture if you don’t let them relax? Damn, son. You’re going to need something to heap that slop onto before you eat it. These plates have a rooster on them and were made in Italy. Why did the rooster cross the ocean? To commit mass genocide of the indigenous population and celebrate it every year with a nonsensical turkey feast, you big silly.

FOR SALE: 1987 Dodge Ram Charger

Perhaps you are thankful for this very special pre-Thanksgiving Blotter. I appreciate the kind sentiment good sirs and madams. Oh you’d like to bestow a gift on me? Your generosity knows no bounds. Oh it does know a bound? $2000? That’s enough to buy this bad ass looking pickup truck. It’s perfect for off-roading in Green-Wood Cemetery and for having to move to a new apartment every year.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: Two Tickets to the Rod and Gun Show

Missed Connections is a wasteland this week. There are posts up but they are all very polite and self-aware. Perhaps people are feeling inspired by the holidays to be nice to each other. Our first entry is a lady who was paid a wonderful compliment by a man in a bar. She was drunk and a little taken aback by his kind words so she forgot his name. One time I met a woman at a bar and she gave me her number. But I couldn’t go on a date with her because I was so drunk when we met I’m not sure I’d have recognized her face. She had dark hair and glasses. And a nice butt. These things happen. Got to shake it off.

MISSED CONNECTION: let me holler at ya’!!!

“I see you from time to time either with your roommate who is thick also or by yourself. I normally see you in passing when i am on my stoop. I am very attracted to you and interested in you i dont know why i never say Hi”

Ugh. I don’t jump on bandwagons. I blaze my own trail through the darkness. However, catcalling is disturbing and some of the stories you hear are terrifying. I’m sorry for all the ladies out there. Maybe this is something they can teach in high schools? Do they already do that? A sensitivity course. Teach kids not to make others feel uncomfortable on purpose or shame them in any way. Because people engaging in this kind of behavior don’t seem to be getting these lessons at home or in their community. Maybe it’s already happening. I hope it is.