Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

Happy Halloween! I hope you’re ready for a spoooooooooky Craiglist Blotter.  

SERVICE: Voodoo Consultant

Witch doctor or shaman is so old-fashioned? Cliché? Racist? I don’t know. Send all hate mail to your nearest fire. This voodoo consultant makes some pretty outrageous offers. Finding your true love. Removing all obstacles. Releasing you from secret demons. I don’t know if I need any of that shit. If he make me exercise before work though I’d be very impressed. 

FOR SALE: Baby monkey costume

Everybody likes sexy costumes. I’m not above it. Even just a funny looking hat looks sexy to me.  Like one of those Sherlock Deerstalker hats. Real talk, shoot me a Benedict Cumberbatch squint while wearing one of those and I’m going to jizz. Clean up, aisle Jim. Sexy costumes aren’t my favorite though. Baby costumes are the best. This particular one is my favorite I’ve seen this year. If you have a baby dress them up, please. 

FOR SALE: Claw foot tub

There is a shot in True Detective of a tub full of abortions and stuff. It was fucking scary. If you have aborted fetuses handy then you can fill a tub with them but what about after the week is over? The tub isn’t going to have that dead baby glow to it after Halloween. So think of this as like a disposable tub. Just drag it outside for the cops to deal with Sunday morning. 

FOR SALE: Dungeon Bed

You don’t have to get freaky just one day a year. Here is a regular bed with a human sized cage underneath it. There are also metal canopy like railings with lots of hooks for you know. Whatever. Handcuffs, ropes. The dildo and ball gag in the pic are not included but if you’re buying one of these you probably got those already. You’ve got to walk before you can run. Or fuck with toys before you can run. Enjoy! 

MISSED CONNECTIONS: Shitty Comedian

“Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.”

I don’t know if this post is real. This guy is a comedian and he’s writing to the audience at his last show. None of whom laughed. He’s hoping for a do over. I respect anybody who puts themselves out there in a creative way. Especially comedians who get up on the stage with nothing but their wit. But yeah I’ve sat through a few too many bad comedy sets to have pity. Let’s quarantine him like that New Jersey Ebola lady until he decides to go to law school or whatever.

MISSED CONNECTION: I know why the Craigslist sings

Just realized that last one wasn’t Halloween themed. Damn it. Whatever. This week’s Craigslist posts are embarrassingly tame. Where the weirdos at? This post is typical. Man sees lady. Is aroused. Decides to anonymously tell the internet about while beating his chub raw. He thinks her “lovely” looks are what inspire novels and music. Wonder what inspires Missed Connection posts.