Post-Holiday Clearance Sale: Park Slope MILF Handjobs Starting as Low as $199.99

Today's the day I become a Serious Journalist.

I realize that up until this moment, my Reporter Qualifications consist of posting ripoffs of TheOnion to a snarky, smug, crappy little website.

Today's the day that changes.

Last night, a friend of mine forwarded me this craigslist ad:

[update – ha! link down but this time i got a mfkn screenshot:]

...his only accompanying comment was: "oh no."

Now, in case you can't see into his brain like I can, here's what he means by that: Being a guy who frequents happy-ending massage parlors, his email was intended to express his fear that he wouldn't be able to stay away from this particular facility and would furthermore make so many repeat visits that he'd be in danger of blowing what's left of his retirement fund. This is largely due to the fact that:

• The service provider is located in Park Slope, at great proximity to his own location.


• The service provider sounds highly skilled.


• The service provider sounds like a Park Slope MILF, a category of desirable female which we, I mean he, holds in very high regard.

Yes, I was able to discern all of this merely from his two word email, "oh no" – that, is what friendship is all about.

Now, this friend of mine is married just as I am. His wife does NOT know of his hobby. You may regard him as a lying cheat; I, on the other hand, regard him as a lucky bastard: He is more relaxed, more well-adjusted, and more satisfied than I am. He has a better sex life with his wife than I do (with mine, haven't slept with his). He lives a guilt-free existence, because he considers these massages to be emotionally meaningless, chemically glorious experiences which society has plainly mislabeled.

In fact, I feel more hidden shame than he does, simply for wanting, deep down, to visit one of these establishments and receive a one-handed snakeshake. Ain't that a bitch?

I have thus decided to become a Serious Journalist.

Erica does her reviews of restaurants and bagels and shit - why then, should I not similarly pull my weight? I have decided that this week, I will be setting up an appointment with the Park Slope Hand MILF, and will provide FIPS with zagat-level details of the entire experience.

Listen, I refuse to believe that wanting a handjob from a strange woman makes me a bad person. I've been married for 10 years and I have two kids - haven't I earned it? Isn't it male and maybe even human to lust after a little foreign excitement?

Here are some questions that I'd like you, our loyal FIPS posse, to help me with:

a) Isn't it ok that I'm doing this in 2009? Aren't handjobs even legal in San Francisco if you have a doctor's note or something?

b) Do I tell my wife? What do I tell her? Should I work the journalism angle, or leave it?

c) Is it something you or your husband have ever done? Considered? How would you feel if he brought this up to you?

Pre-emptive note to wise-asses who ask me how I would feel if my wife wanted to do the same thing: She doesn't have a PENIS, dumbass, so she couldn't get very far with a handjob, could she.

Looking forward to hearing your advice, but more especially to the game of knuckle-shuffle to played on my tiny todger by a complete stranger.

cheers!