Post-Holiday Clearance Sale: Park Slope MILF Handjobs Starting as Low as $199.99
Benjamin | Monday, January 12, 2009 at 7:06AM 
Today's the day I become a Serious Journalist.
I realize that up until this moment, my Reporter Qualifications consist of posting ripoffs of TheOnion to a snarky, smug, crappy little website.
Today's the day that changes.
Last night, a friend of mine forwarded me this craigslist ad:
[update – ha! link down but this time i got a mfkn screenshot:]
...his only accompanying comment was: "oh no."
Now, in case you can't see into his brain like I can, here's what he means by that: Being a guy who frequents happy-ending massage parlors, his email was intended to express his fear that he wouldn't be able to stay away from this particular facility and would furthermore make so many repeat visits that he'd be in danger of blowing what's left of his retirement fund. This is largely due to the fact that:
- The service provider is located in Park Slope, at great proximity to his own location.
- The service provider sounds highly skilled.
- The service provider sounds like a Park Slope MILF, a category of desirable female which we, I mean he, holds in very high regard.
Yes, I was able to discern all of this merely from his two word email, "oh no" – that, is what friendship is all about.
Now, this friend of mine is married just as I am. His wife does NOT know of his hobby. You may regard him as a lying cheat; I, on the other hand, regard him as a lucky bastard: He is more relaxed, more well-adjusted, and more satisfied than I am. He has a better sex life with his wife than I do (with mine, haven't slept with his). He lives a guilt-free existence, because he considers these massages to be emotionally meaningless, chemically glorious experiences which society has plainly mislabeled.
In fact, I feel more hidden shame than he does, simply for wanting, deep down, to visit one of these establishments and receive a one-handed snakeshake. Ain't that a bitch?
I have thus decided to become a Serious Journalist.
Erica does her reviews of restaurants and bagels and shit - why then, should I not similarly pull my weight? I have decided that this week, I will be setting up an appointment with the Park Slope Hand MILF, and will provide FIPS with zagat-level details of the entire experience.
Listen, I refuse to believe that wanting a handjob from a strange woman makes me a bad person. I've been married for 10 years and I have two kids - haven't I earned it? Isn't it male and maybe even human to lust after a little foreign excitement?
Here are some questions that I'd like you, our loyal FIPS posse, to help me with:
a) Isn't it ok that I'm doing this in 2009? Aren't handjobs even legal in San Francisco if you have a doctor's note or something?
b) Do I tell my wife? What do I tell her? Should I work the journalism angle, or leave it?
c) Is it something you or your husband have ever done? Considered? How would you feel if he brought this up to you?
Pre-emptive note to wise-asses who ask me how I would feel if my wife wanted to do the same thing: She doesn't have a PENIS, dumbass, so she couldn't get very far with a handjob, could she.
Looking forward to hearing your advice, but more especially to the game of knuckle-shuffle to played on my tiny todger by a complete stranger.
cheers!
craigslisting, milfs, services, sex in the slope 
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Reader Comments (9)
I vote "do it," Benyamin. Here's why:
1) Somebody needs to make the effort to improve journalistic integrity after the failures of the MSM newstelling complex during the Bush administration. That's a given.
2) You would provide an important "win-win" service for client and provider of the Park Slope tube shining métier.
3) Multiple visits are essential for proper inferential statistical analysis.
Winners all around: Clients know where to go; who's good, what's safe. Providers know they need to provide premium-level services in order to attract a loyal clientele.
But....
A woman friend of mine with a very clean and smooth happy region was telling me that in "major important cosmopolitan cities" some bikini/Brazilian waxing providers (individuals within hair/nail/wax/massage providers) offer a "relaxing oil massage" as an additional (and under the table, a "tip") client-to-customer indulgence.
Call it what you what, bitches be gettin' handjobs. That's not my ugly spin either, that's what girlfriend was telling me, specifically.
Girlfriend was asked and accepted an offer for a "relaxing oil massage" thinking a "relaxing oil massage" would hit the spot (no-pun) after a long day at the office but instead got rubbed-off to orgasm. Along the way the provider offering plausible deniability "is this ok?" cues. Underwear remained on in this case. Only one hand ever touched her "there."
She's done it twice.
So I vote "do it," Benyamin. You're covered all around.
a) Yes you should do it
b) Hell to the no you should not tell your wife
c) Yes, I've availed myself of this type of service before. Of course, it was a Korean massage parlor in Hollywood. I was very hungover and the matron cursed me out when I told her I only had $75.
This is ubquestionably the greatest blog that ever existed. How you have the guts to be so honest, I will never know.
My advice is to talk to your wife! Everything about this is true and natural except for the lying. You've been with her ten years and if she knows you that well, she's bound to understand.
Filling the hole left by blognigger I see. And that isn't meant to be disparaging. I'm fascinated.
I think you should not tell your wife. Look to BN, actually: you will hurt her feelings, etc. I don't know. Think twice.
Oh, shit! Did hear about BN? Gone. Poof! Wrapped it up. Huge void. Is it tru?
FIPS: Is this post by the Benjamin that is BN's best friend and actually guest posted on Blogni**er?
Here: http://www.blognigger.com/2008/10/history-of-blognigger-chapter-1.html" REL="nofollow">Halloween Post
That post has already been flagged for removal. Proceed with caution.
This one, however, not flagged. Go for it Benjamin!
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/cas/989943563.html
"hi im tonisha, im 6'2" 180 and skinny likes a super model because my old white daddy used to make me run to keep the plump ghetto booty nice and tight like guys like they sluts to be. he learned me to shave all the hair off my body likes REAL MENS likes they sissy faggot sluts to be. he used to dress me in 3" pink pumps, pink panties, pink miniskirts, pink tshirts, pink kneehighs, pink bubblegum lipstick, pink nail polish and pretty blond wigs because he said guys cocks would get harder faster because they would know i am a worthless black sissy faggot. he only took me on the street a couple of times. he used to wait in the car and sometimes i had to suck the cocks in the alleys or in the cars. one time this guy pounded the tight shaved black poophole in this alley and daddy was taking pictures the whole time. daddy never gave me those pictures. he said i had to earn them and i never did. i like to blow big cum bubbles like those sluts in max hardcore. those sluts are really lucky because max hardcore is a real mans. i need a new daddy now though. that one picture is when daddy made me a hot cum pee cocktail and he made me drink it like a real slut with a spoon while he took pictures. you can see the hot cum floating on the top. i felt like a worthless and humiliated sissy faggot. daddy always used to say that was all i was and that i made other black people look bad because i was such a pathetic and worthless nigg*r whore. he used to make me suck on his cock on my knees and he would spit on my face when i was sucking his cock. that other picture is when me and this white tranny whore that i had just met at this party this guy had took me to after he emailed me had to go butthole to butthole for what seemed like hours. the guy had said we could make like $100. there were like 10 or 12 guys there and they would throw money on us like we were cheap worthless whores. after we got done with the double ended dildo, which the guy that had brought me there took out of our buttholes sometimes and made us clean and i never knew if i was cleaning my butthole or the white whores, we had to service all the cocks with our 4 holes. it seemed like they all took turns pounding our buttholes and fucking our throats. well at least we each made $50. yeah. can i practice making your cock happy please. daddy learned me that black sluts are the best at getting the cocks happy because we have tight ghetto bubblebutts and thick cocksucking lips and we paint them really pretty. bye bye "
Response to Ty... agree wholeheartedly about the reciprocal thing. I went to a very posh spa in the Berkshires for a few days and booked myself in for a massage. When I did, I was asked if I wanted a male or female to perform the job, so to speak. When I said, "a male", the receptionist asked me (rather unusually) if I minded being naked with a male masseur. I thought it was kind of weird but whatever, I was ok with it.
About 20 mins in to the massage, the guy's touch started to become increasingly sensual. It's hard to describe, but it started with his handstrokes moving closer and closer to my breasts, and all the time, he'd say, "is this ok? is this ok", until finally he was giving me a complete and total full body massage, inside and out.
It was totally fucking hot, but I admit I did feel strangely guilty about it.
So, Ben, make what you will of that one... whatever you do, ask yourself if the above tale had been told by your wife, would you be ok with it?
So cute! I already like you on FB and also get your posts on Google Reader. :) mgnpew mgnpew - Belstaff Jacket.